Friday Staff Survey: Dick Cheese Doesn't Count...

This survey was compiled by TNG co-founder Zack.

Original Illustration by Maggie.

This week's staff survey question was actually posed originally in the very, very early days of TNG. However, not that many people answered it and I'm genuinely curious as to what everyone has to say. This question was first posed to me at Laurial Plaza two years ago over many margaritas. I hope that no one out there is actually forced to make this choice, but today's question should give you something to think about:

What would you rather give up for the rest of your life: Cheese or receptive oral sex?

Full survey below the fold. Plus, how come so many of our staff members had actually been asked this before?

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I had to weigh this carefully and deliberately. I like to snacking on cheese and I like getting BJs. However, two primary factors informed my decision here: A) I don't always know what to do with myself while getting head. Where do my arms go? When do I reciprocate? Sometimes handjobs are more fun and more, well, hands on. B) I'm sure that when I'm 64 I'll be able to enjoy cheese, but who knows if I'll be able to get BJs anymore? So cheese wins out. Sorry, oral sex.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I was vegan for over 3 years. Possibly the worst three years of my life. My first link back into the non-vegan food chain was a slice of Vace cheese pizza. OMG, so good. Cheese is just too delicious, more readily available, and is known to raise serotonin levels. I can have orgasms without mouths involved.

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

This may be more difficult for the lesbians to decide.... Even though I can't put a vagina on a ritz cracker, I still choose oral sex over cheese.

4. Craig, Staff Contributor:

Oral sex. I just can't quit you, Brie.

5. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I'd rather give up receptive oral sex. Honestly, I'd rather give than receive. Plus cheese is just so good.

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

Well I'm really more of a giver than a receiver, so the bj's, while nice, aren't all that necessary (as long as I'm still allowed to make out and fuck, of course.) As for the cheese, aside from a nice smoked gouda, I'm not super into that either, so this is a toughie... I guess I'll vote to keep the cheese, because I'd rather have a decent cheeseburger than a bad blowjob. Also, I feel weird answering this in a jury room...

7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

As a vegan, my girlfriend has already made this decision; as for me, I balked at the question. After seriously weighing both options, I'd totally skip out on eating cheese to continue eating ... well, can you blame me? They do say vegans taste better...

8. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

This is really three questions:

1) Do I like cheese? YES. It is the best food category ever, followed closely by coffee and olives.

2) Do I like giving head? YES. Giving head is like making music. It takes rhythm, stamina, creativity, enthusiasm, and good breathing. As a former bass clarinetist myself... well, you get the idea.

3) Do I like getting head? ...........Oh, I'm sorry, I think I just fell asleep at the mere thought of getting head.

Anyway, that's my answer. I'm really jonesin' for some cheese now.

9. Ed, Staff Contributor:

It is offensive to my sensibilities and a betrayal of every principle upon which this great nation was built that any person who dares call him or herself an "American" would choose cheese over oral sex. Fellow Patriots, let me say unequivocally, and with no reservation in my heart, that when oral sex is administered properly in the pursuit of freedom and consistently to release our brothers and sisters from the tyranny of our oppressors, you will, without question, find me inextricably on the receiving end of a gifted and enthusiastic mouth that is striking a blow for liberty. Give me head or give me death! (Sorry, we were watching the John Adams mini-series this weekend.)

Editorial Staff:

10. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

I'd give up cheese. No doubt. Also, I'm lactose intolerant so that just adds to the reasons to give cheese the boot. (No offense, cheese.)

11. Hans B., Editorial Assistant:

That's a tough one, but I've had more bad blowjobs than bad cheese. Cheese wins.

11. Jenna, Editorial Assistant:

I'd definitely have to go with the sex over the cheese, but that's possibly only because I'm not really a cheese person. If the question was about chocolate, I can't promise my answer would be the same...

12. Gem, Editorial Assistant:

I agree that this question is more difficult for the lesbians to answer and in fact, this question has been posed to me on more than one occasion. I'm actually surprised I've never asked this question in a staff meeting as it has somehow become my default icebreaker question in many a social circle.

Anyhow, answer is oral sex. Although the question is a toughy, I honestly cannot even fathom why anyone would ever answer differently.

13. Lauren, Editorial Assistant:

Woah! This is the second time I've heard this question today! ahaha. And always cheese and oral sex... never chocolate or masturbation...? I'm standing by the ladies, definitely give up cheese over oral sex.

14. Whitney, Editorial Assistant:

At the risk of having to relinquish my dyke card, I'd give up receptive oral sex. There are lots of ways to get off, but only one way to get macaroni & cheese.

Read More......

Friday Staff Survey: Office Space

This survey was compiled by TNG co-founder Zack.

Original illustration by Maggie. Click to enlarge for more details.

Are you avoiding gender-specific pronouns? Talking in only the vaguest terms about your weekend plans? Going so far out of your way to be the butchest guy or femmest girl that your own homo friends don't want to be around you? You must not be out at work. Navigating office politics is hard enough — when is it safe to leave early? Where is the safest bathroom for going number two? — that the question of if and when to divulge your abhorrent sexuality is only one more thing to make going to work difficult. Luckily, in this day and age such things are (hopefully) becoming less of an issue. With that in mind, today's staff survey question is as follows:

Are you out at work? How has this impacted your job experience?

Question once again suggested by Maggie. Please click on her above illustration to see all it's awesome details. After that, you can read the full survey below the fold.

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I am absolutely out at work. In fact, I have had hot, sweaty, condomless buttsex in nearly every corner of my office. However, I work from home and live with my boyfriend so it's really not that untoward. My old job was as a reporter for a gay newpaper. The only thing that could possibly overwhelm the stresses of being closeted in a mostly-hetero office setting is the outright lunacy of a workplace stocked entirely with friends of Ellen and Dorothy. There were times when I wished I could go back in time and pretend to be straight, if only to be spared from the frequent bitchy outbursts and unabashed manhunt surfing of several key drama queens at my old place of employ.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I put some of my queer community building experience on my resume. They knew from day one. I have yet to bring in pictures of my boyfriend to put in frames on my desk, though...

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

I wasn't immediately "out" at work. My coworkers knew something was up however because my girlfriend would send me flowers to the office. Every time someone asked "Who sent these to you!?" I would get really squeamish and vague: "oh, you know...a person sent these to me. Gotta go!" Soon I told some coworkers I felt close to that I was with a woman and it was out in the open from there. My favorite part is that all of the Jewish women who work at my office are lesbians. We all have frizzy hair and make fun of reality TV.

4. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I've always been out at work since coming out. When I applied for my first job after coming out, my internship coordinator advised me to take references to leadership within the Pride Alliance off my résumé. I did not. I told her that I didn't want to work anyplace where that mattered. I got the job, and as it turned out, two of my interviewers were gay.

At my current job, I'm out but I typically only talk about my personal life with my teammates, not with other colleagues or with my superiors. I'm not sure if they are all aware that I'm gay, but I don't think it would bother them.

5. Rocky, Music Editor:

I'm an interior designer. Being gay is my job, son!

6. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

I work at one of the most liberal private schools in DC where you can practically count the number of conservatives on one hand, so being out isn't an issue. Once a year the school holds an Open Forum Discussion for students, parents, and faculty. Last year's topic dealt with race and sexual orientation, and I chose to stand up in front of 250+ people to give the example that by looking at me you can tell I'm white but you may not be able to tell I'm a lesbian. After the Forum a parent approached me, looked me up and down, cocked her head, smiled and said, "well, now! You are just the cutest little lesbian," all the while patting my head Liz Lemon style. To this day, one of my coworkers still refers to me as the "cute little lesbian."

7. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

In addition to being the designated ice queen/bad cop bitch when dealing with our clients, managing our decorating and party planning, and having hosted High School Musical 2 sing-alongs in the office every Friday for an entire semester, I have tried to come out more directly in my office. I know that the small staff knows I'm gay, but it's like they don't want to accept it - as though they are trying to give me the "benefit of the doubt," or don't want me to be embarrassed by their knowing. Clearly they're the ones who have a problem with it, not me... cuz I'm pretty gay... and pretty out...

8. Chris, Theatre Editor:

Like most music majors, I have about four jobs and my out-ness factors in differently in each. In the arts-related office, I'm out and it comes up naturally in conversation, but I didn't go out my way to jump out of the supply closet. In the classroom, I don't mention it or hide it, which is what any good teacher should do in order to maintain their own privacy. In the musical theatre world...well...you should have seen the outfit I wore when we did Rocky Horror. Working in the arts has a way of outing you - not that the arts don't employ straights, but just that it makes it that much easier to come out and be out if you are indeed gay. I can't remember the last time I felt like I had actually "come out" to someone. I did all that in college and now it's just life.

9. Ed, Staff Contributor:

I've been totally out at every job I've had since I moved to DC in 1995. As I said in my "Out of the Bedroom and Into The Living Room" column, I talk about my relationship the same way heterosexual people talk about theirs. I discuss our weekend plans, vacations, home improvement projects, and I sometimes ask heterosexual coworkers for and, when asked, give relationship advice. I have had photos of Adrian and me on my desk or in my office, but that is an individual choice. I talk about Adrian a lot so I carry photos of us on my iPod. Okay, it's obnoxious, but what can I say? I'm a mushy romantic. I love him. I'm incredibly proud of him and I'm grateful to have him in my life.

Editorial Staff:

10. Jolly, Events Editor:

Since Rocky already broke that ice: I write for a celebrity gossip blog about how hot male celebrities are, so it's practically a job requirement. Also, I think it's a rule of the universe that you must have at least one gay man on staff for it to even count as a celebrity gossip blog. That being said, I don't really discuss any aspects of my personal life with my co-workers and vice versa, so it doesn't really come up all that often.

11. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

I recently changed jobs after moving to the DC area and made it apparent from the time I was interviewing that I'm gay (repeatedly discussing my partner and *his* job being the reason for our relocation.) It hasn't been an issue at all and made it very easy to be "gay" in the workplace. At my previous job, I wasn't out when I started but around the time Brian and I moved to DC, I felt it was stupid not to come out. Everyone was just happy to hear I was happy ... and some were a little irritated that I hadn't let them in sooner. But all in all, it was a non-issue in either place.

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Friday Staff Survey: The Other Thing You Do in Bed

This survey was compiled by TNG co-founder Zack.

Illustration by Maggie.

Though the phrase "sleeping together" is mostly used as a shorthand for sex, the actual sleeping can be just as important. Anyone kept up all night by a snorer, farter, pee-er or aggressive, non-stop cuddler knows that the hooking up is only half the equation of a night spent with that special (or temporary) someone. Keeping that in mind, this week's staff survey question is as follows:

What is the worst experience you've ever had with a sleeping partner?

Question comes courtesy of Maggie. Check below the fold for the responses and feel free to leave your own in the comments box.

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

You know sometimes after getting off you and the other person will lie next to each other and there might some gentle arm or belly rubbing until you both drift off to sleep? That happened once with a guy I didn't know very well, except instead I had no opportunity to drift off to sleep because he kept up the gentle arm and belly rubbing for close to two hours. What seems like a beautiful gesture at 2 am loses its luster when the sun starts rising. That, combined with the fact that he kissed like a mule trying to eat an apple out of my mouth with its lips, meant that I had no fond memories of the experience.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

A boyfriend and I once cracked our heads together with enough impact to break the skin and draw blood. I hit him on the forehead, but he hit me right on the edge of my eye socket. It bled a lot and then swelled up. Being young, quasi-closeted and not willing to explain to my corporate-American colleagues the truth, I told everyone I had hit my head on my nightstand. Hey, it's better than, "I walked into a door."

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

I talk in my sleep a lot. Once I woke up at about 3 am and shouted "It's coming from the ceiling! It's falling on us! We have to get out! LOOK!" My girlfriend woke up and said, Allison, what the shit, there's nothing there. You're safe." Apparently I replied "Ok, great. Thank you," then went back to sleep.

4. Matt, Staff Contributor:

What? You're supposed to stay?Just kidding. Y'all know I have a boyfriend.

5. Rocky, Music Editor:

Funnily enough, I've been told that I'm kind of the worst sleeping partner known to man. Among my many sins, I'm a blanket hog. I toss and turn all night and, one time, I woke up in the morning in a diagonal line across the bed and was told that I came close to full-on pushing my friend out of the bed a number of times. She went and slept on the couch because she was sick of waking up on the edge of her bed. Good thing she loved me. In my defense, however, I'm a very heavy sleeper (I need like 8 alarms) and a very active dreamer so it's not my fault! But, apparently, I suck at sleeping. I apologize to all my future partners in advance.

But at least I don't snore.

6. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

I had recently come out "officially" and was spending New Years in Vermont with my best friend from college. We were sharing a bed and at some point in the night I hit her in the back with a spastic knee jerk. The next morning, in our groggy-hung-over state, I rolled over, looked at her and said, "I kneed you." However she heard, "I need you." Wide-eyed and slowly inching away, she simply stated, "um, Mags, I don't really feel the same way." Needless to say, we laugh about it now.

7. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

I was quasi-dating a girl who had a boyfriend out of state. We sometimes decided that it was less cheating-esque if we didn't sleep in bed together when she'd spend the night, so we'd rotate between who got the bed and who slept on the floor. I'm like a dog; I can sleep anywhere. But it was awkward to have one of us crawl into the comfortable sheets and one of us sleep on the nasty rug I bought at Target.

8. Amelie, Events Planner and Publicist:

While I don't have any good sleeping-buddy stories, I do know of one. My friends "Kathy" and "Marlene" had just started hooking up. Marlene had had a crush on Kathy for awhile, but since at this point, Kathy was still straight, not much had happened. Then, finally, one night after a particularly wastie-face rugby social, Kathy spent the night with Marlene. All was good until Kathy woke up and realized that she had peed all over Marlene's bed. Apparently by some sort of magic the pee didn't get all over Marlene, just Kathy, but it was still pretty hilarious story for all of us not involved.

9. Ed, Staff Contributor:

I was dating a guy for almost a year who had never burped or farted around me. One night we were asleep and he let one rip. It was so bad it woke me up. Take my word for it. When a fart wakes you up from a deep sleep it can be disorienting, and this one seemed to have the physical properties of mustard gas because when I stood up the air wasn't nearly as bad as the funk in the lower half of the room. I thought about lighting a match, but I didn't want my Mom to have to explain that her son died in a fart-fueled explosion. So, I opened a window and sat next to it until the air became less toxic, and YES! it was that bad! The really annoying thing is that I bought the duct tape and plastic wrap to protect myself from a chemical or biological attack, but Dick Cheney apparently hadn't thought about the possibility that the threat would come from inside your own home. Thanks for nothing Dick!

Editorial Staff:

11. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

I have no recollection of a bad experience created by another person, but I can assure you that I have ruined many a night's sleep for others with my banshee-like snoring.

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Friday Staff Survey: Put On Your Red Shoes And...

This survey was compiled by TNG co-founder Zack.

Original illustration by Maggie.

I have a slight fascination with finding the logical bases for gay stereotypes. Gays are fabulous? Gays are used to putting up peacock feathers to find each other in an otherwise monotone world. Gays are bad at sports? Gays aren't allowed to play sports without a whole lot of ridicule and harassment. But its taken me longer to find a reason for one of the age-old, time-tested stereotypes about all genders of homos: The one that says we really like to dance. The best that I could come up with is that most of us were forced to take opposite-sex dates to middle and high school dances so we're trying to make up for lost time now.

So for that reason, and in honor of this Saturday's Homo/Sonic, the Friday Staff Survey question is below:

How did you handle school dances? Did you brave taking a same sex date or did you go with someone of the opposite gender and pretend you liked them?

You can read all our answers below the fold and leave your own in the comment box.

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I had a spectacular run of bad luck with my female dance dates in high school. My freshman homecoming date picked that particular night to drop acid for the first time and ran screaming from the cafeteria in the middle of Will Smith's "Miami." Later she gave one of my best friends a BJ. Sophomore date got grounded the night before a big dance because her dad found her passed out in her bathroom after a big night out. The same year, I went to prom with a girl who had a thicker mustache than me. Junior year my prom date told me a week before the big day that she was actually dating my mortal enemy, but still insisted we go to the dance together. Senior year, though, I actually had a boyfriend. We were too chicken shit to go to prom together (and our dates happened to hate each other) and I actually don't think I saw much of him the whole night. Still, though, it made a lot of my former bad experiences a little better to know that I had someone waiting in the wings for me.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I would go to dances with male friends and watch them have fun while I stood pinned against a wall by a mixture of boredom and abject fear.

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

I was a big whore at school dances, but only with guys. I'm such a traitor!

4. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I only went to the major dances. I had a best friend back then and we were inseparable. He was shy around girls, so he didn't like asking them out. At homecoming dances we usually just went singly and just hung around together for mutual support. If some girl wanted to dance, I would oblige. I'm not sure if he ever did. He's not gay, and I never harbored any attraction to him, but it did make dances easier to have someone around who was as bad at girls as I was. For our junior and senior proms, we went both years with female friends.

5. Philip, Staff Historian:

This doesn't really answer the question, but it's my best "school dance" story, so I'm sharing it. I'd been out for years by the time I was a junior in college, but I can "pass" well enough that a not-out lesbian friend asked if I would accompany her as her date to a service-sorority function. She figured I wouldn't know anyone there, they wouldn't know I was gay, it would look like she was straight, and she wouldn't have to put out at the end of the evening. In order to be helpful, I agreed, and all went as planned... until the dancing portion of the evening. After we'd been out on the floor for a bit, my "date" went to the ladies' room where one of her sorority sisters asked her breathlessly, "You know that your date is gay, right? I mean, no straight guy can dance like that!"

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

Well, as most of you know, I am not a wallflower so school dances weren't that hard. Actually, they were kind of fun in a cheesy sort of way. I did a lot of theatre and dance and music in high school so I was the "drama queer" to begin with. A school dance was actually one of the few occasions my friends and I could roll up dressed like a boy band and school all of the jocks without getting any shit. I did have a girlfriend for a while and she was cool, b/c we'd dance and chill and I rarely troubled her. (Of course, I broke up with her right before senior prom. Not cool.) And sometimes I would go with some girl I was trying to "date," but really I was just trying to hang out with my friends and dance my ass off. Besides, I went to prep school, so at any given dance everyone was too wasted to really care what anyone else was doing. In retrospect I suppose I could have taken advantage of that, but alas...

I just read that caffeinated and realized that it sounds like the diary of an extra in "She's All That." No, no. High school was demoralizing, acne-ridden and miserable as per usual. Not to worry...

7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

The first school dance I braved was also in 6th grade. Beforehand my mother took me to the Gap and let me pick out an outfit. I vividly remember climbing out of our navy blue minivan and walking into the gym wearing a white button down, a blue striped sweater vest, khaki pants (I believe they even had front pleats. oh god.), and brown lace-up loafers. I thought I looked hot. It wasn't until a number of years later and other school dances with athlete boyfriends in tow that I realized all signs pointed to G.A.Y.

8. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

As you will still find me now, I was the loser who couldn't dance, sang along with the songs, and either stood on the wall or stood hopeless and still on the dance floor. The only differences between then and now were that (a) I did sometimes have female dates back then and (b) there'd be some slow songs to dance to. Can we get some "Iris" next Homo/Sonic?

9. Chris, Theatre Guru:

My first school dance was in 6th grade and I don't think I slept at all the night before. In order to get kids out on the dance floor the teachers thought they'd do it "snowball" style, where one pair starts, then each chooses another partner, they choose one more, and on until every one is having a blast. Right? It basically turned into a "picking teams for PE" moment set to Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love." As it turns out, I was more popular than I thought, got picked and then panicked because I hadn't anticipated having to pick someone else. Being the gentleman I try to be, I picked one of the girls who I knew would be picked near to last. I never heard the end of it from my friends. Not cool. Things were better in junior high when I was in student council and just got to handle decorations and snack bar. I could dance if I liked the song or make up an excuse about running out of Tang if I didn't. In high school I went to two proms and one winter formal with one of my best friends (female) on the planet. We did everything a proper prom date would do, except I didn't put out. Her friends later used that as justification for why I was gay, saying that any straight man in his right mind would try to get some tail at senior prom. Still, we had a blast. And there's nothing like being at an IHOP in a tux.

10. Ed, Staff Contributor:

I had a group of friends and we were branded the "The Preppy Boy's Club" by our girlfriends. They referred to themselves as the "VPBC" —Victims of the Preppy Boy's Club — in part because the guys would either invite them or get them to invite us to dances and social events. Then, all the guys would bail on them. We would hang out together and get drunk. One year, before she would invite me to Christmas dance, the girl I was dating made me sign a contract promising not to disappear with my friends. My junior year in high school, I was class president and got to go to the senior prom. I invited my "best friend." That was the night I told him I loved him. My senior year, I pissed off the girl I had been kind of dating when I invited my "super girlfriend" (I don't like "fag hag.") to prom. We doubled with my female best friend and one of my clubbing buddies. Later we drove into Houston and did the after hours thing at a club called Therapy. I'll probably burn in hell for this one, but I went to a non-school sanctioned event with the same girl I was dating. I "disappeared" again, but this time I was making out with a guy in the bathroom. He said he wanted me to go home with him, so I got my date's younger brother so drunk I had to take them home. Then I did a quick U-turn and hooked up with bathroom-guy back at his house.

Editorial Staff:

11. Jolly, Events Editor:

I only went to the "big" dances in high school (two proms and a semi-formal) and always went with girls, because at the time that's what I thought I wanted so it was never a question. College was more interesting — most of the out gay guys in my fraternity (including me) usually took female dates to our formals unless we were in a serious relationship with another guy. The general philosophy was that you could dance and have fun and act ridiculous with someone and not have to worry about impressing/entertaining a potential hook-up/boyfriend.

12. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

I was "straight" in high school and thus was obligated to take the young woman I was a) courting or b) dating. Quite the ruse, you see. In fact, my mother still has the cheesy photo up on the mantle from my prom. Every time my fiance and I are home, I implore her to take them down but she says she thinks they are pretty and wants to leave them up.

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Friday Staff Survey: When Did You Know?

This post was written by TNG co-founder Zack.

Though coming out to those around me was an anxious process riddled with fear and awkardness, I thank my lucky stars that I had no problems coming out to myself. An oft-forgotten step toward comfortable gay living is that a person has to know they're gay before they can tell anyone else about it. Some people know when they're 4 and others don't get their "aha" moment until they see that new cute intern at their nursing home. Whenever the rainbow lightbulb lights up above your sodomite/cunnilingual head, though, everyone's moment of awareness is unique. On that note, this week's staff survey question is as follows:

What was the exact moment you realized you might be gay?

All answers are below the fold. Feel free to leave your own recollections in the comment box.

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

My awakening came as the result of a Sassy Magazine and a pair of cartoon testicles. My sister kept a big stack of her Sassy's on top of a wooden dog bed in our kitchen. When I was 9 I paged through them and found an article called "The Anatomy of a Boyfriend." It had the most rudimentary sketch of a naked man (think Ken doll in soft focus) with arrows pointing to different body parts explaining what they were and how they worked. I was extremely interested in the two arrows that pointed between his legs. It wasn't an earthshaking moment, but I do remember thinking "I guess I'm gay. Huh." It took me 10 years to tell the rest of the world, but I knew who I was early and never really had a problem with it.


2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I've known I was gay for just about as long as I can remember. However, one earlier childhood moment sticks out: one of my brothers had a neighborhood kid over for a sleep-over one night when I was probably 7 or so. My mother was getting us ready for bed and suggested that we might not have enough hot water for each of us to take individual showers, and suggested maybe we paired up. My desire to see the cute neighborhood kid naked and wet overwhelmed my desire to remain secretive about my shameful backwards attractions, and I chimed in that he and I should double up. I think I might have made up some dumb excuse to justify the pairing. Upon reflecting on this incident later, I thought that maybe my mom was just trying to see whether any of her kids were gay.

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

I used to cut the hair off my Barbie dolls and make them date each other.

4. Craig, Staff Contributor:

When I was in second grade, there was program I used to watch after school called Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot. I watched it religiously, examining the contours and maleness of the silver giant, with his Egyptian head and smooth codpiece that hid who know what? I was jealous that Johnny got to be carried by a giant man of metal, safe and taken into the sky. Then, I fell for Ultraman. Maybe I'm not gay after all. I just have a thing for robots.

5. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I suppose I was pretty dense. The signs were there for years, but I didn't think about myself as gay until I was abroad in Germany. I was boarding the subway at the Untergrundbahnhof Sendlinger Tor in Munich like I did every morning, and pausing to look at the naughty gay magazines in a kiosk, it just clicked. Don't know why.

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

I guess I've known I was "different" since I was pretty little. I remember in first grade, when we would change for gym class, all the other boys would try to figure out a way to sneak into the girls' area but I was always content to stay on my side, surrounded by boys in tight-whities. But I didn't really realize what that difference actually was until like 6th or 7th grade. We were sitting around eating lunch at school one day and I was exhorted by another young gentleman to check out a passing young lady's brand new breasts. I sort of shrugged like, "OK. Cool. I guess," and he - totally not maliciously, rather sweetly in fact - said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Have you not started puberty yet?" And I realized that, no, it wasn't that. I was just more into dick and the strapping, 6 foot tall, Greek god that had just transferred to our school. Of course, I didn't grow up in a very gay-friendly environment so I wouldn't admit that or even really allow myself to think about it for another 7 years or so. But I think that's the moment it first dawned on me.

7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

Two of my favorite sayings apply here: "Hindsight is always 20/20" and "Call a spade a spade." I can dig back through my catalog of childhood memories & tag the ones where all signs point to YES, but my true "ah-ha-I'm-gay!" moment was the summer of 2005 when I was an intern at the Feminist Majority Foundation in LA. Sammy Lyon. Now, I had my fair share of questioning prior to this moment, but when she was sitting next to me, wearing a red button-up without anything underneath, rolling her chair closer and closer until her knee just barely grazed mine... yeah, I'd say that was my exact moment.

7. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:


I'm a revisionist historian so I like to go with the most pleasant of these moments, rather than the first or the most decisive. It was on the swing set between my house and the woods, a cool fall day in my fifth year of school. My best friend climbed onto the gymnastics bar and hung upside down, his legs twisted around it. His shirt slipped down an inch or two, revealing a strip of his stomach. For the first time I took note of the contours of his frame and felt like I wanted to stand there in the breeze soaking up that experience, refusing to let it go.

Nine years later, I came out to him; an hour after that, he came out to me.

We don't speak anymore.

8. Chris, Theatre Editor:

Remember the store Spencer's that used to be in the mall? (Are they still? You never know when you're going to need a fart machine on a key ring or a Baywatch poster). I remember spending a bit too long looking at the "funny" cards with shirtless muscle guys on the front. I'm sure I told my friends I was reading them for the jokes. I was also in Boy Scouts and on swim team so eventually, around 8th grade or so, I think I knew that I was intrigued by males, though I wasn't totally sure what that meant. A few more years spent in Speedos-ville helped me figure it out.

9. Ed, Staff Contributor:

I went to an evangelical, Southern Baptist parochial school from the time I was 4 until I was in the 7th grade. So, I had no concept of homosexuality. They didn't teach us it was a sin; they just didn't say anything about it at all. I got my first clue that I was physically attracted to guys when I started going to public school in the 8th grade and had to take showers after P. E.

Editorial Staff:

10. Margaret, Editorial Assistant and Business Development:

I had an inkling since just after my 16th birthday, when I accidentally kissed my best friend (yes, you can sort of trip into such situations). I managed to keep the suspicions at bay for five years, including through having crushes on a girl and a prof during college and not wanting to date the guys I met. I was choosing to be *really* dense.

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I Type, You Type, We All Type for Stereotypes

This survey was compiled by TNG founder Zack.

Illustration by Maggie.

Gay stereotypes are a funny thing. You may swear you don't like Madonna until you're blue in the face, but one day "Into The Groove" comes on your car radio and you don't change the channel. Then you get a speeding ticket for going 90 on a residential street and are hauled off to jail because you screamed "Tonight I wanna dance with someone else" in the cop's face. You're love of Madonna should have nothing to do with your sexuality, but someone back in the day decided the two things are inextricable and we're all been paying for it ever since. Figuring that everyone has had some moment of just going about their business and suddenly turned into a gay caricature, this week's staff survey question is as follows:

Has there ever been a time when you realized you were living up to some gay stereotype, whether it be positive or negative? How did you feel about this?

All answers are below the fold.


1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

My two best friends in college were straight guys. Together, we liked to joke that the three of us put off a very "bisexual vibe." I was a big homo, one of us was a very preppy, domestically inclined straight guy who fit most gay stereotypes and the third was bearish, bearded guy's guy. However, if we spent enough time talking to each other the conversation frequently turned to pants and hair products. Even with two straight guys I felt embarrassed to be heard talking about this stuff because it seemed so "gay." They were embarrassed too. That's why we didn't usually have these discussions in public.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I was at Target with my sister-in-law a few years ago, shopping for housewares after recently moving back to the East Coast. I'd gotten myself lost in the bedding section and spotted an item I considered buying but needed some feedback on. I tracked down my sister-in-law and asked her, "Do I need a dust ruffle?" I'd never before felt so "gay" in my life.

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

My Sophomore year of high school I co-founded an after-school feminist-activity group called "Eye-to-Eye." Once a week we would talk about feminist writings/themes. However, almost all of the conversations somehow segued into talks about eating disorders, who we thought might have an eating disorder and "how women are beautiful inside and out." After our weekly meetings, I would go coach a junior field hockey team at a local middle school. My girlfriend tells me that this part of my past was "a big ball of gay." I, however, didn't think anything of it.

4. Philip, Staff Historian:

At some point along the way I realized I was living up a huge gay stereotype, one I've had to struggle with pretty hard over the years: I'm attracted enough to some guys that I want to have sex with them. I didn't know what to do at first, where to turn to deal with being such a stereotypical gay man, so I decided not to worry about it. I can't say that being attracted to guys and wanting to have sex with some of them has been totally smooth sailing, but overall it has brought me quite a number of joyful moments and some friendships, affection, and love that I'm not going to trade in.

5. Rocky, Music Editor:

I'm pretty stereotypically gay in a lot of ways everyday. For instance, I put more than a little thought into my outfits. Every time I catch "West Wide Story" on TV I watch until the end and cry and cry and cry. And sing. Mariah Carey makes me squeal with delight. But at the same time, I'm an avid baseball and football fan, I'm more jealous of Andrew's truck than you could ever know and I've even been known to hook up with the occasional girl. So how do I feel about that? Well, I guess I don't really think about it much because I'm just doing what comes naturally. I suppose the answer to that question is contingent upon how you feel about yourself and how willing you are to let someone else's perspective cloud your view of yourself. I've been of the mindset for some time now that, most of the time, I'm pretty alright. I'm pretty sure that's what matters so... it's cool.

6. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

[see above image]

7. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

I decided to come out when I realized that I was obsessed with High School Musical and Zack Efron. So, yeah.

7a. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:
OMFG, I JUST SPELLED HIS NAME WRONG, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. There may be hope for me yet?

8. Amelie, Events Planner and publicist:

I played women's rugby.

Editorial Staff:

9. Margaret, Editorial Assistant and Business Development:

I sometimes have trouble discerning that something's stereotypically lesbian — I know enough people who blur the lines to be able to make a clear cut list of "lesbian" stereotypes and "straight white girl" stereotypes.

In fact, when I cut my hair off this time it didn't reeeeally occur to me how prevalent lesbians having short hair is until I was playing around and realized, "Oh. I can't wear my hair like that— then I'll look like so-and-so. And when it grows a bit and I pull it up like this, I'll look like this woman's girlfriend." So much for my cute haircut being all individual...

But really, is there a problem with calling something a stereotype and owning that stereotype if it's a prevalent trait?

10. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

In 2004, I picked up a brand new Ford F-150 SuperCrew pickup truck. Silver. It was the truck of trucks and I wanted it for years. I was thrilled to finally get it and on the long drive home from the dealership, I put in my "Mamma Mia" soundtrack and sang every track at the top of my lungs. It was a whole crazy mishmash of stereotypes going on, some gay, some midwestern, some white, but for me, it was pure bliss. It was me being me and any time I can say that, I'm truly happy.

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Friday Staff Survey: This Be The Verse

Illustration by Maggie.

If anyone is unfamiliar with Philip Larkin, they should read this poem before proceeding.

The goal of the Friday Staff Survey is for our readers to get to know our contributors a little better. What is more personal than how you came out to your parents? Though no one's stories are identical, anyone who has had to make the "I'm a homo" confession to their creators probably remembers the thrill and anxiety of the moment and would be interested in hearing how others did it. At least I would. So without further ado, this week's staff survey question is as follows:

Are you out to your parents? If so, what was their immediate reaction to the news?

Answers below the fold. Feel free to leave your own recollections in the comments section.

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I told my parents the night before they dropped me off for my sophomore year of college because I wanted to make sure they had a couple months to deal with it on their own... i.e. without having to wonder if every guy that called my house was someone I was shtupping. I only had one goal for the evening: that my mother not cry. I knew my parents loved me and would eventually be fine with the news but I still hoped to avoid that one cliched moment.

I didn't. My mom wept the tears of a thousand Jewish mothers that came before her. Not because she was disturbed by the news, but because she felt "so intimate" and was happy I trusted her enough to spill the beans. It wasn't all bad.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

My mom said "You ARE!" My dad, simultaneously said, "ARE you?"

3. Ben, Co-founder and primary contributor:

A few days before I told my mom, she had a nightmare about the fact that I was gay. It woke her from her sleep and disturbed her a great deal. When I did finally tell her, she locked herself in her bedroom and cried for two days.

A week later I sat on the concrete steps in front of my dad's broken old trailer (with no plumbing) and told him as well. My dad, a simple man with three teeth and few luxuries other than cigarettes and a collection of old blues albums; who lived in the rural deep south, drove a rice truck for minimal wages, and couldn't read or write, just laughed about the situation and said, "Your mom is old fashioned." Considering his limitations I didn't know what to expect, but luckily he couldn't have cared less who I slept with. He just wanted me to be happy and that made everything ok.

4. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I came out to my parents in early November of 2005. I made a trip home from college which was only about 50 miles. That was fairly rare so they knew something was up. I suppose I really surprised them. My dad said "Bullshit" and my mom said "Why do you think that?"

We had a long discussion after that. Even today, we still have issues about it. My mom thinks it's just "a phase." Maybe she's right. Maybe one day I will wake up and think, "Damn, I wanna bang a chick." But I doubt it. (No offense, ladies)

5. Philip, Staff Historian:

I came out to my parents when I was 14, in 1995, and for whatever sick reason chose April Fool's Day to do so — an earlier date I had set had to be aborted for circumstances beyond my control. My father, who is generally very calm and evinces strong negative emotion only about Republicans and bad sports officiating, reacted in typical fashion by not responding in any visible way and leaving the floor to my mom. A worrier, her reaction was three-fold: it could be a phase, life is going to be much tougher for you, and for godsakes, don't tell anyone else outside the family yet. It wasn't; if it has been, that isn't really because I'm gay; and it was too late for that, as they weren't the first people I had told.

A gay neighbor my mom was friendly with died of AIDS about two weeks after I came out, and I think this only added to her worrying about me. But unlike others I have met, I never had to be concerned about being kicked out or disowned. Any support you get beyond that is gravy.

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

So... It wasn't until I was 20 and sleeping with dudes that it occurred to me that I might be gay. That's another story for another time, butI figured that if I'm going to be gay, well then I ought to come out, right? So I went home one weekend and sat my mom down on the couch all serious and bleary-eyed like, "I have something I need to talk to you about. I've been struggling with this. blah blah blah..." and at the end of the speech, I'm like "I'M GAY!!!" and this curious look flashes across her face, she takes a beat and, I swear to god, goes, "Rocky. You sitting me down and telling me you're gay is the equivalent of you sitting me down and telling me you're black. Now what's on TV?"

My mom rocks.

7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

A few times in college my mom, face contorted as if she had just noticed the dog shit on her shoe, quizzically asked me if I "aligned myself with those people," but it wasn't until I was a year out of school when I finally answered her.

I was talking with my mom on the phone while waiting for a friend & her at-the-time girlfriend in front of Creme on U St, distracted by a number of things, when she asked me, "Well, do you like girls?" Not even thinking, it just rolled off my tongue, "yeah, I do." I think it shocked us both a bit. After the quick explanation, I simply asked if my dad was home and stated that I'd like to tell him too.

8. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

My dad tricked my sister into outing me last fall, so I decided I didn't really need a big roll-out of the news. A simple email seemed to be good enough to confirm it - kind of like a reminder from OpenTable that you have dinner reservations later that week.

In keeping with her character, my mother's response to the email was, "You're such a good writer, honey!" She then asked me to avoid HIV. My dad's "response" was to leave me multiple voicemails, each more panicked that I wasn't going to call back (it had been 15 minutes!), each ignoring the issue entirely but saying that he loved me. He still hasn't addressed the news directly, so when I get my response I'll let y'all know.

9. Amelie, Events Planner and publicist:

My coming out conversation happened in the midst of an massive anxiety cryfest I was having to my mother at the end of my freshman year of college:

Mother: Are you maybe having issues...you know...about sexuality?
Me: No, Mom, there aren't really any questions.
Mother: What does that mean?
Me: I'm sorry Mom, I know no one wants to have the gay kid.
Mother: I think this is peer pressure. From all your rugby friends.
Me: That's stupid, Mother. You know this has been going on for much longer.
Mother: Fine, I know. I think you're just doing what's comfortable since you went to all girls' school. I think you just need to try dating boys.

That was the end of the conversation, and four years later, we've never discussed it again. It's awkward because in every other respect, my mother and I are very close, but I don't have girlfriends, I have really good friends that I spend lots of time with. When I have a break-up, so-and-so and I have just gotten into a "big fight" and aren't going to see each other for awhile.

But at least I did finally figure out why all year she had been encouraging me to order a pizza and bring it up to the boys' floor to "make friends..."

Editorial Staff:

10. Jolly, Events Editor:

I just came out to my parents this past day-after-Christmas and we talked about my gayness for maybe 10 minutes and then immediately segued into a 30 minute discussion of when I'm going to get a "real job." It was both comforting and anxiety-inducing.

11. Margaret, Editorial Assistant and Business Development:

Telling my dad was the weirdest part of coming out, because he and I really don't talk about my personal life. Ever. My immediate family is pretty liberal, and half of us identify as queer, but I didn't know how he'd take it. Plus the coming out conversation was one of the things I hated the most about coming out.

So my first visit back home, I followed him outside for a smoke. "Dad, I have something to tell you." Deep breath. "I'm gay." He paused. "Really?" He was pondering this. "Huh, that's interesting." And we stood on the stoop for another thirty seconds looking at each other. "Are we done?" he asked. Later he made a light joke about gay family members and I knew we were ok.

Coming out to my mother was even more painless — it kinda slipped out at dinner after about a half-bottle of wine, and we were fine.

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Friday Staff Survey: Give 'Em Enough Hope...

Two notable things happened this week: America got a new president and I replaced my old sneakers. See 'em up there? No matter how sparklingly pristine the new one looks, 15 more months of wear and tear and its going to look just as dingy as the old rag on top. Right now I feel like America just bought a new pair of shoes. Though everything gold loses some luster, I really do hope that President Obama can fulfill his massive promise and come out of office as bright and inspiring as when he left it. That brings to me to this week's staff survey question:

What issue do you think should be Obama's first priority in fixing our tattered country?

All answers below the fold. (Plus, if anyone is looking to buy a really old pair of Rod Lavers they should let me know.)


1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

There are so many things that need to be righted in this country, but I think they all add up to a big intangible: fixing America. It's not easy charge, and it won't be a quick one, but I think our new president can do a lot to make our citizens proud to be Americans again, to garner us respect in the worldwide stage and to generally let people know that change will come with patience and hard work.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

Obama should raise the gas tax by $0.10 per year over the next 4 years and use the influx of cash to fix our crumbling transportation infrastructure and fund research into alternative fuels, thus stimulating the economy. Period.

3. Ben, Co-founder and primary contributor:

Completely rethink food policy. The Agriculture Department — and the agriculture committees in Congress — have traditionally been handed over to industrial farming interests by Democrats and Republicans alike. Our entire food system is based on cheap energy (which won't last much longer) and the self-interest of politicians. It's unsustainable, and it's making us very unhealthy.

4. Allison, Staff Contributor:

I think Obama should address that this county has not only institutionalized racism, but also corruption in business. Acknowledging that we must change power structures not only in government but in big business corporations is extremely important.

5. Matt, Staff Contributor:

Institute an "Independence Tax" on gasoline, with permanent annual increases. All revenues go to reducing our dependence on oil (foreign and domestic) through transit expansion, walkable communities, alternative fuels, and the like. Additionally, he should do a way with the funding silos that keep transportation funding limited to certain modes. Instead of giving (for example) DC $10 for roads, $3 for transit, and $2 for bike/ped, the Federal Government should give DC $15 for transportation, to be spent on modes as they choose.

6. Philip, Staff Historian:

First non-economy issue: Begin to revivify respect for the United States: end Guantanamo Bay and set a tone that makes it clear that torture is not U.S. policy.

First gay issue: ENDA. This is the major issue for the gay community and has been since the nation's sodomy laws were struck down. The marriage debate has been a distraction away from what I see as more immediate concerns.

7. Rocky, Music Editor:

SHUT GITMO DOWN. NOW!

8. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

Obama's top priority needs to be putting a stop to the erosion of reproductive rights. In 1984 Ronald Reagan put into place the "Mexico City Policy," which forbids the flow of federal money to international family planning organizations that provide abortions and related services & counseling. Early in his term, Bill Clinton reversed this policy. On the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, George W. Bush reinstated the policy. Yesterday marked the 36th anniversary of Roe, and Obama should have followed Clinton's lead, reversing the Mexico City Policy yet again. Impoverished women are more likely to have unwanted pregnancies, and during the current economic crisis, Planned Parenthood has reported an 11% increase in abortions. As Cristina Page states in her book How the Pro-Choice Movement Saved America: Freedom, Politics, and the War on Sex, "[i]t's the pro-choice movement that has helped construct and that now defends our dearest values, those that Americans largely identify as their own. We value control over our destinies, independence, [and] equality."

9. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

Obama should send a message to the world that America is ready to lead. He should immediately reverse Bush's executive order limiting foreign aid to groups that do not provide family planning services; order the military to stop using waterboarding and other forms of torture, and create a special commission to investigate military practices on the imprisoned; and announce plans to begin a withdrawl from occupied Iraq.

Also if he could head back to Hawaii and take off his shirt again, that'd be great...

Editorial Staff:

10. Margaret, Editorial Assistant and Business Developer:

President Obama should go about restoring the government's commitment to the "rule of law and the rights of man," as he said in his address. Having this as a priority will improve our standing in the world, which expects us to be responsible, and in doing so, his policies would be headed in the right direction.

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Friday Staff Survey: Crass Romantics

Cartoon by Maggie

Hold on to your bladders everyone, because we here at TNG are introducing a new feature: The Friday Staff Survey. Some of our writers share their personal stories all the time, but we have many staff members that you might not be so intimately familiar with. What makes Jolly tick? Has Rocky ever had intercourse with a Venezualan? Every week, the survey will ask all of our staff members a questions and print their answers for your edification. This weeks question is as follows:

What is the worst thing that anyone has ever said to you in bed?

The answers are below the fold. Feel free to leave your own in comments.

Contributing Staff:

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

Said to me in a deadpan monotone by a hot art fag: "Your penis...it is so big...it is going to tear up my anus."

2. Ben, Co-founder and primary contributor:

"There's no f****** way I can take THAT." (I really liked him.)

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

post coital: "high five!"

4. Philip, Staff Historian

context: I was an eighteen-year-old romantic. It was my first relationship. I genuinely cared for the guy:

"<Post-coital sigh. Pause.> You know, Philip, you're the one I'm going to compare all my future boyfriends to."

A clue I should have taken, alas. Ah, to be young and in love!

5. Summer Camp, Drag Queen Advice Columnist:

"Are you on Cloud Nine? Want to go to Cloud Ten?"

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

When: cuddling in the afterglow. Who: this venezuelan dude. So I mean, sure, English was his second language, but still...

Him: "do you like how i, uh... penetrate you?"

He was definitely trying to be romantic, it was just very, very jarring.


7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

In college my friends and I were obsessed with SNL's Best of Will Ferrell DVDs. We would watch them on loop hungover, drunk, sober, sad, happy, you name it. Our favorites included the Celebrity Jeopardy skits, Spartan Cheerleaders, the "More Cowbell" Blue Oyster Cult skit, music teacher Marty Culp, and Robert Goulet.

In the Robert Goulet Coconut Bangers Ball skit, Ferrell has a staring contest with a (fake, stuffed) Big Horn. Upon losing the contest to this nonblinking, taxidermic sheep, Ferrell throatily announces, "You win. You always do."

Well, after one in-between-classes-quickie, I was lying in bed with my, at the time, boyfriend, sweating, breathing returning to normal, and he turns to me & in his best Robert Goulet says, "You win. You always do."

Editorial Staff:

8. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

Since I have been in a monogamous relationship for more than three years with someone who reads this blog -- and have little memory of much before that -- I abstain from this question. Courteously. (You are a dork if you get that reference.) TNG

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