Friday Staff Survey: This Be The Verse

Illustration by Maggie.

If anyone is unfamiliar with Philip Larkin, they should read this poem before proceeding.

The goal of the Friday Staff Survey is for our readers to get to know our contributors a little better. What is more personal than how you came out to your parents? Though no one's stories are identical, anyone who has had to make the "I'm a homo" confession to their creators probably remembers the thrill and anxiety of the moment and would be interested in hearing how others did it. At least I would. So without further ado, this week's staff survey question is as follows:

Are you out to your parents? If so, what was their immediate reaction to the news?

Answers below the fold. Feel free to leave your own recollections in the comments section.

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I told my parents the night before they dropped me off for my sophomore year of college because I wanted to make sure they had a couple months to deal with it on their own... i.e. without having to wonder if every guy that called my house was someone I was shtupping. I only had one goal for the evening: that my mother not cry. I knew my parents loved me and would eventually be fine with the news but I still hoped to avoid that one cliched moment.

I didn't. My mom wept the tears of a thousand Jewish mothers that came before her. Not because she was disturbed by the news, but because she felt "so intimate" and was happy I trusted her enough to spill the beans. It wasn't all bad.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

My mom said "You ARE!" My dad, simultaneously said, "ARE you?"

3. Ben, Co-founder and primary contributor:

A few days before I told my mom, she had a nightmare about the fact that I was gay. It woke her from her sleep and disturbed her a great deal. When I did finally tell her, she locked herself in her bedroom and cried for two days.

A week later I sat on the concrete steps in front of my dad's broken old trailer (with no plumbing) and told him as well. My dad, a simple man with three teeth and few luxuries other than cigarettes and a collection of old blues albums; who lived in the rural deep south, drove a rice truck for minimal wages, and couldn't read or write, just laughed about the situation and said, "Your mom is old fashioned." Considering his limitations I didn't know what to expect, but luckily he couldn't have cared less who I slept with. He just wanted me to be happy and that made everything ok.

4. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I came out to my parents in early November of 2005. I made a trip home from college which was only about 50 miles. That was fairly rare so they knew something was up. I suppose I really surprised them. My dad said "Bullshit" and my mom said "Why do you think that?"

We had a long discussion after that. Even today, we still have issues about it. My mom thinks it's just "a phase." Maybe she's right. Maybe one day I will wake up and think, "Damn, I wanna bang a chick." But I doubt it. (No offense, ladies)

5. Philip, Staff Historian:

I came out to my parents when I was 14, in 1995, and for whatever sick reason chose April Fool's Day to do so — an earlier date I had set had to be aborted for circumstances beyond my control. My father, who is generally very calm and evinces strong negative emotion only about Republicans and bad sports officiating, reacted in typical fashion by not responding in any visible way and leaving the floor to my mom. A worrier, her reaction was three-fold: it could be a phase, life is going to be much tougher for you, and for godsakes, don't tell anyone else outside the family yet. It wasn't; if it has been, that isn't really because I'm gay; and it was too late for that, as they weren't the first people I had told.

A gay neighbor my mom was friendly with died of AIDS about two weeks after I came out, and I think this only added to her worrying about me. But unlike others I have met, I never had to be concerned about being kicked out or disowned. Any support you get beyond that is gravy.

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

So... It wasn't until I was 20 and sleeping with dudes that it occurred to me that I might be gay. That's another story for another time, butI figured that if I'm going to be gay, well then I ought to come out, right? So I went home one weekend and sat my mom down on the couch all serious and bleary-eyed like, "I have something I need to talk to you about. I've been struggling with this. blah blah blah..." and at the end of the speech, I'm like "I'M GAY!!!" and this curious look flashes across her face, she takes a beat and, I swear to god, goes, "Rocky. You sitting me down and telling me you're gay is the equivalent of you sitting me down and telling me you're black. Now what's on TV?"

My mom rocks.

7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

A few times in college my mom, face contorted as if she had just noticed the dog shit on her shoe, quizzically asked me if I "aligned myself with those people," but it wasn't until I was a year out of school when I finally answered her.

I was talking with my mom on the phone while waiting for a friend & her at-the-time girlfriend in front of Creme on U St, distracted by a number of things, when she asked me, "Well, do you like girls?" Not even thinking, it just rolled off my tongue, "yeah, I do." I think it shocked us both a bit. After the quick explanation, I simply asked if my dad was home and stated that I'd like to tell him too.

8. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

My dad tricked my sister into outing me last fall, so I decided I didn't really need a big roll-out of the news. A simple email seemed to be good enough to confirm it - kind of like a reminder from OpenTable that you have dinner reservations later that week.

In keeping with her character, my mother's response to the email was, "You're such a good writer, honey!" She then asked me to avoid HIV. My dad's "response" was to leave me multiple voicemails, each more panicked that I wasn't going to call back (it had been 15 minutes!), each ignoring the issue entirely but saying that he loved me. He still hasn't addressed the news directly, so when I get my response I'll let y'all know.

9. Amelie, Events Planner and publicist:

My coming out conversation happened in the midst of an massive anxiety cryfest I was having to my mother at the end of my freshman year of college:

Mother: Are you maybe having issues...you know...about sexuality?
Me: No, Mom, there aren't really any questions.
Mother: What does that mean?
Me: I'm sorry Mom, I know no one wants to have the gay kid.
Mother: I think this is peer pressure. From all your rugby friends.
Me: That's stupid, Mother. You know this has been going on for much longer.
Mother: Fine, I know. I think you're just doing what's comfortable since you went to all girls' school. I think you just need to try dating boys.

That was the end of the conversation, and four years later, we've never discussed it again. It's awkward because in every other respect, my mother and I are very close, but I don't have girlfriends, I have really good friends that I spend lots of time with. When I have a break-up, so-and-so and I have just gotten into a "big fight" and aren't going to see each other for awhile.

But at least I did finally figure out why all year she had been encouraging me to order a pizza and bring it up to the boys' floor to "make friends..."

Editorial Staff:

10. Jolly, Events Editor:

I just came out to my parents this past day-after-Christmas and we talked about my gayness for maybe 10 minutes and then immediately segued into a 30 minute discussion of when I'm going to get a "real job." It was both comforting and anxiety-inducing.

11. Margaret, Editorial Assistant and Business Development:

Telling my dad was the weirdest part of coming out, because he and I really don't talk about my personal life. Ever. My immediate family is pretty liberal, and half of us identify as queer, but I didn't know how he'd take it. Plus the coming out conversation was one of the things I hated the most about coming out.

So my first visit back home, I followed him outside for a smoke. "Dad, I have something to tell you." Deep breath. "I'm gay." He paused. "Really?" He was pondering this. "Huh, that's interesting." And we stood on the stoop for another thirty seconds looking at each other. "Are we done?" he asked. Later he made a light joke about gay family members and I knew we were ok.

Coming out to my mother was even more painless — it kinda slipped out at dinner after about a half-bottle of wine, and we were fine.