Friday Staff Survey: Crass Romantics
Cartoon by Maggie
Hold on to your bladders everyone, because we here at TNG are introducing a new feature: The Friday Staff Survey. Some of our writers share their personal stories all the time, but we have many staff members that you might not be so intimately familiar with. What makes Jolly tick? Has Rocky ever had intercourse with a Venezualan? Every week, the survey will ask all of our staff members a questions and print their answers for your edification. This weeks question is as follows:
What is the worst thing that anyone has ever said to you in bed?
The answers are below the fold. Feel free to leave your own in comments.
Contributing Staff:
1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:
Said to me in a deadpan monotone by a hot art fag: "Your penis...it is so big...it is going to tear up my anus."
2. Ben, Co-founder and primary contributor:
"There's no f****** way I can take THAT." (I really liked him.)
3. Allison, Staff Contributor:
post coital: "high five!"
4. Philip, Staff Historian
context: I was an eighteen-year-old romantic. It was my first relationship. I genuinely cared for the guy:
"<Post-coital sigh. Pause.> You know, Philip, you're the one I'm going to compare all my future boyfriends to."
A clue I should have taken, alas. Ah, to be young and in love!
5. Summer Camp, Drag Queen Advice Columnist:
"Are you on Cloud Nine? Want to go to Cloud Ten?"
6. Rocky, Music Editor:
When: cuddling in the afterglow. Who: this venezuelan dude. So I mean, sure, English was his second language, but still...
Him: "do you like how i, uh... penetrate you?"
7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:
In college my friends and I were obsessed with SNL's Best of Will Ferrell DVDs. We would watch them on loop hungover, drunk, sober, sad, happy, you name it. Our favorites included the Celebrity Jeopardy skits, Spartan Cheerleaders, the "More Cowbell" Blue Oyster Cult skit, music teacher Marty Culp, and Robert Goulet.
In the Robert Goulet Coconut Bangers Ball skit, Ferrell has a staring contest with a (fake, stuffed) Big Horn. Upon losing the contest to this nonblinking, taxidermic sheep, Ferrell throatily announces, "You win. You always do."
Well, after one in-between-classes-quickie, I was lying in bed with my, at the time, boyfriend, sweating, breathing returning to normal, and he turns to me & in his best Robert Goulet says, "You win. You always do."
Editorial Staff:
8. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:
Since I have been in a monogamous relationship for more than three years with someone who reads this blog -- and have little memory of much before that -- I abstain from this question. Courteously. (You are a dork if you get that reference.) TNG
7 comments:
alright . . . so all of the guys at TNG are massively endowed . . .
"There's no f****** way I can take THAT."
In what way does that qualify as the "worst" thing someone has said to you in bed?
I mean, it's obvious that Ben used this post as an opportunity to swing his dick around, but when Zack did it, at least the quote was actually relevant to the survey.
If you saw him, you would understand.
Would I really?
this irish dude i hooked up with in budapest told me "it's not that you're stunningly attractive, it's just that you don't have any obvious flaws." he also told me that i have a "latin shaped" penis, whatever that means.
funniest: "you look so beautiful in the reflection of the neon light from the circle k...."
i don't have a worst yet.
@jterry: YES!
Post a Comment