Showing posts with label culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label culture. Show all posts

Monday, February 16, 2009

G-A-Y

TNG reader Kyle submitted this post.

The word "gay" means a lot to me. It is a word for which people have died, and continue to die. It's a word for which I almost died. It's a word that most of the human race treats with contempt, and a few with great pride. Lately I have been hearing more people questioning the validity of the word "gay" as an identity marker. Either they assume that "gay" is a social construct, and has no inherent meaning, or they assume that "gay" represents a set of values at odds with their own personal values, despite the fact the persons questioning the validity of "gay" identify as homosexual. Can someone be homosexual and not be gay?

I understand questioning one's own identity. I understand being frustrated with the gay community. But when I hear of people trying to shed their gay identity as easily as changing a major in college, I get very troubled. What makes people of a homosexual orientation want to treat the word "gay" with such contempt?

Maybe it is because people in the gay community are very often shallow, mean-spirited, spiritually stunted. They obsess over celebrities and fashion. They are catty in the bars and dismissive online. At times it seems like they stubbornly refuse to see one's inner beauty and focus exclusively on external appearences. Many gay people are lonely as a result, and yet they don't outgrow the behaviors that keep them from connecting with other human beings. If this is the life of a gay person, why would someone want to be known as "gay"?

But guess what? Human beings are shallow, mean-spirited and spiritually stunted. It is the human condition, and one that few people ever outgrow. Human beings are mean to each other, prone to gossip, play games of one-ups-man-ship in the office and in the bars. Human beings form relationships on shallow bases, and stubbornly refuse to see each other's inner beauty. If you want to reject the label "gay" because you believe the gay community is rife with shallow, petty people, you should logically reject the label "human" for the same reasons as well.

Just as there are fine examples of human beings, people who have depth, experience, compassion and kindness, there are gay people among them. They are part of the gay community just as they are part of the human race. And while there are gay people who are shallow and mean, there are gay people who are deep and kind.

Too often we think gay culture is confined to a narrow set of values - the disco, high fashion, Oscar parties, show tunes, appletinis and shopping. If you believe that is what gay culture is about, you need to get out more. The truth is that gay life is as broad as the gay people who live it. Gays love Madonna; they also love Manu Chao. They love fashion, but some get their clothes at the thrift store or at WalMart. They love pop culture, but some are into obscure art films, or heavy Russian novels, or Scandinavian minimalist post-punk bands. When you choose to think of gay culture as limited to fashion and disco and fruity drinks for brunch, you insult all those out and happy gays who aren’t into those things. It isn't that fashion and disco and fruity drinks are bad things - they just don't represent the entirety of gay culture and experience.

Is “gay” a social construct? Only as much as “homosexuality” is – and there are some who believe homosexuality is a social construct. But if it is, it is a social construct that has cost people their lives. Have they died for something that has no value, for a myth, for an ephemera? And as for those of us who have survived, are we to be dismissed because you don’t like the word? Maybe “gay” is a social construct, as is all human sexuality. But if we discard it now, what will happen to us, to our culture, to our history of pain, death, survival and triumph? If you walk away from those things, what does that really say about you? If we do away with gay space, where will tomorrow’s youth with homosexual tendencies meet and mate? In the public square? Maybe someday in a distant and enlightened future, where all human beings are safe to explore their feelings with others. But we haven’t reached that age yet, not by a long shot.

Rather than discard the "gay" label, I strongly urge people who know themselves to be homosexual to embrace the word “gay" and expand its meaning by showing the world (or at least themselves) what being gay looks like in their individual lives. Calling yourself "gay" doesn't mean putting on a cultural straitjacket. Calling yourself "gay" means accepting your homosexuality, and telling the world that this is what "gay" looks like in my case. And it doesn’t mean you reject the Madonna-loving, high-fashion, appletini drinking set; you simply show the world that you, too, are gay, and that "gay" has a much larger meaning than anyone had previously acknowledged. Why discard a word that can have such an expansive and beautiful meaning?

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Monday, February 09, 2009

TNG Flashback: Kissing and Gender

The work day is almost over. We hope you use your last ounce of concentration to revisit this year-old TNG article. Originally published by Ms. Cavanaugh on 2/11/2008

Just in time for Valentine's Day, today's Washington Post has an article about a new, "seminal" study on kissing — on how men and women kiss and what kissing means to them. I'm always wary of anything that is about "the differences in gender," and this study seems sort of ridiculous.

First off the study was done with university students. I'm willing to bet that many students, like I, and many people I know do, treat kissing as a recreational sport. I'm fairly certain that I've had no interest in 75% of the people I've made out with other than (okay, usually drunkenly) kissing them right then and there.

This part also seemed interesting: "Women were also more likely to refuse to have sex with a partner unless they kissed first. More than half of the men said they would have sex without kissing first, but fewer than 15 percent of the women said the same." Seriously? Boys? I really don't believe that's true.


And what does this study mean for gay couples? None of us are kissing for "mate assessment," as the study seems to suggest is important: "'Perhaps males need more saliva to make subtle mate assessments,' she said, noting that previous research has suggested that a woman's breath changes across the menstrual cycle. 'He may be subconsciously detecting whether she's fertile or not.'" We are kissing for the other reasons — to bond and as a prelude to sex — though the article (unsurprisingly) doesn't mention whether there were homos included in the study.

Do we think that what this article says about kissing is actually true? Should I start being more discerning about who I make out with?

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Friday, January 09, 2009

CRACK isn't WACK...it's BACK!

Hi TNG Readers. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Summer Camp. Three years ago, I teamed up with Chris Farris and Karl Jones to create a performance group called CRACK. We produce cabaret shows that combine live performance, short films, and audience participation. CRACK shows provide an alternative outlet to local artists who have fallen through the cracks of DC's established performance scene. Get it? That's why we call it CRACK.

CRACK, which we proudly bill as a "low budget of mess of stage and screen" is returning to the stage next month with another edgy and bizarre cabaret. On Saturday, February 28, CRACK is taking its special brand of theater to a new and bigger venue: TOWN Danceboutique.

Please save the date! We hope you'll join us for a live show packed with irreverent, outrageous, and ridiculous performances from local talent. If you're interested in performing, send an email to CRACK and let us know what you'd like to do. TNG's Michael and Zack are planning to perform! For more information visit our website or facebook group.

Until we see you in February, please enjoy CRACK's latest short film, "Loopy Summer Day."


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Thursday, January 08, 2009

In The Ladies' Room: Gay's Anatomy and Becoming "Those Girls"

Welcome to the second installment of In The Ladies' Room, a weekly column by me, Amelie, and my BFF Anne where we take on music, pop culture, lesbian culture, DC culture and the times when these things intersect.

Neither Anne nor I had never been anything close to a fan of Grey's Anatomy. We mercilessly mocked those girls who quoted the show (like my college class president did during her Baccaluarate speech) and dreamed of men like McSteamy, McDreamy and McCreepy or whatever. I couldn't even tell some of the characters apart. But last April/May, that all began to change.

When they began the Callie/Erica storyline, Anne and I both felt compelled to start watching. For some reason, probably due to the complete lack of lesbians on network television, we don't think it's uncommon among lesbians to feel some strange urge to watch anything--anything--lesbian-related on television. Which has led to some less-than-stellar mements, like when I decided to watch the lesbian episode of The New Adventures of Old Christine. Or the lesbian episode of Fat Guy Skinny Wife, more commonly known as Still Standing. As you can imagine, watching these episodes was generally a painful experience that we were glad were behind us.


So we both slyly checked out a few of the lesbian segments of Grey's Anatomy on YouTube, and we found ourselves hooked. Neither of us would admit it to each other, but once Callie and Erica's sexual tension really started building, we both checking YouTube on Fridays, waiting for our Callie/Erica update. And we won't lie, while spending the weekend after graduation caring for some elderlies, we watched the season finale Callie/Erica kiss scene no less than eight times.In one day.

When the new season started, we had to figure out a special system to watch the show. Since I'm a massive hypochondriac and watching five minutes of House convinces me that the spots of my fingernails mean I have lung cancer (and simply by writing that I feel like I'm tempting the fates), I knew there was no way I was going to be able to watch a full episode of Grey's. Anne was convinced she could put up with the whining and Meredith-monologuing to see the lesbos, because if she didn't, "she wouldn't fully understand what was going on." However, about three minutes into the premiere, Anne realized it was just too painful, and I breathed a sigh of relief. We launched our new system of watching--Gay's Anatomy, where we would let the show record on our DVR, and watch the five minutes of gay moments about an hour after it originally aired. It worked wonders--to a certain extent. Apparently the writer's of Grey's really understand lesbians, because some of the dialogue between Callie and Erica was so real, and so painful, that Anne watched with a pillow ready to cover her eyes, and I was a constantly making gagging noises due to my discomfort.





Seriously, the dyke drama was so painful--but only because it was so realistic. And where they really got us, was Erica's glasses speech. There was something in that monologue that was so familiar to us, we immediately rewound to watch it again. And there may have been some almost-tears involved.

But it's not what you think. It wasn't the just gay that got us--it was the glasses.





Let's just get this out there. Neither of us would win the eyesight Olympics by a long shot. While glasses maybe making a comeback, we've both been members of the glasses club since middle school. So a speech about getting glasses and seeing leaves on trees for the first time and what a literally eye-opening experience it is? We both had that moment, driving home from the eye doctor, realizing that you were supposed to be able to see each individual leaf, not just a giant tree blob.

And that was when we realized there was something far more important for us to be upset about--when in the world did we become those girls who cry during Grey's Anatomy?

So, tell us--how many times have you gotten tricked? How many crappy sitcoms or TV hospital dramas have you watched just for the token gay moment of the season, and how many times have you actually found yourself caring?

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Monday, January 05, 2009

Sex and the Suburbs

I had never before seen an episode of Sex and the City, but when I found it for seven dollars per season during a Black Friday shopping spree I couldn't help myself. At the very least, I figured, it would be a fun distraction over my winter break at home in Connecticut; I bought the first three seasons, and counted it as a Christmas present.

It proved to be the perfect post-holiday diversion. I loved the show, despite the fact that the self-indulgent air of it all took some getting used to. And in a house in which working DVD players had been dropping like flies, equally important was that my sister enjoyed watching it too, and I didn't have to fight for control of the TV when I wanted to put it on.

Things became more complicated when my mom began to join us at night after she had finished her shift at work and made a cup of coffee. My parents and I had been open and sharing about many things over the years, but sex had never been one of them. We never had "the talk," and they shielded my sister and me from sex for as long as possible; when that became impossible, they shielded themselves from acknowledging that we knew about it, much less might be having any. It therefore felt odd to be watching this show with my mother in the room.

But she was less awkward than I had feared. She didn't make her "holy shit" face every time intercourse was mentioned, and she didn't try to keep herself from laughing when a dirty joke was made. She covered her eyes from time to time when a woman was shown topless or when the bedroom scenes got a little too intense, but then again I felt a little uncomfortable watching women undress myself. I wasn't one to judge.

It was my father I was really concerned about. Whenever a character on television or in a movie would talk about sex or be shown in the act, he would sarcastically remark "oh, that's nice" as if something awful had occurred. Unlike my mother, in the month since I had come out to my parents he had yet to say a word about it, so the whole topic of sexuality seemed off limits at this point. I knew that he would inevitably walk in at some point while we were watching the show, see someone fucking a stock broker, and get pissed that we had been watching it in his living room. And that's exactly what happened.

"Why are you watching this shit?" he asked one day after he had walked in with his lunch in hand and sat down on the couch. "I can't believe I'm watching this with you."

"I warned you when you walked into the room," I told him. He hadn't heard me - his hearing was dropping faster than Samantha's pants at a cocktail party.

He left the room shortly thereafter, but the topic wasn't over yet. It came up a day or two later, when he made some pissed off comment about all the sex the women on that show had (and this despite the fact that Kristin Davis was the only one he found attractive). Having sex, in the eyes of my father, seemed to be more of a crime than anything else, at least if it wasn't happening discretely and as part of a serious relationship. It prompted me to ask myself, in a perfectly Carrie Bradshaw fashion - why do some people think sex is such a bad thing?

For many in the religious crowd, sex has something of an evil quality to it. Even when it is with their heterosexual spouse, in the missionary position, and monthly at most, they still feel guilty about it. Sex should only be a means of procreation, and even then it is to be regretted. Coming from a part Irish and Italian Catholic family, I can tell you that this is why a lot of people have lots of kids and little fun.

But my dad is not religious at all. He's conservative and traditional, though, which makes me believe that maybe all this ill will towards sex comes more from culture than anything else. In suburban Connecticut - the land of the puritans of yesteryear, the WASPs of today and the resulting fucked up kids of tomorrow - sex was crude, scary, trashy, peculiar, and utterly taboo. My small coastal town is nothing like the Manhattan depicted in Sex and the City, if such a society even exists. In suburbia, sex is like that old friend at a party who you know is calling out to you but who you try your best to ignore.

I've never done well with taboos, with following the cultural laws of what is and is not okay to discuss or wonder about. I think it makes life more interesting to go on this way, and hopefully it makes me a more interesting writer. But it has also made me a horrible WASP, and an even worse suburbanite.

As a case in point, last week my sister and I had shopped for lingerie for her at the mall. She settled on matching leopardskin pieces, which were part of yet another recession-enhanced sale. I had started to recount this to my mother, who was asking about our day, when my sister suddenly looked like she was going to punch me. Perhaps it was just the way I phrased it - that we had been "looking for sex clothes." Realizing that I had committed a Connecticut faux pas, I quickly laughed and said that I was joking, and my mother bought it - maybe just to avoid the possibility of us actually having done so.

I couldn't help but wonder what was really upsetting to my sister: that I had shared news of her purchases with our mother, or that in calling them sex clothes my sister had to acknowledge herself what it was she was after in that store. Of course you wouldn't buy those clothes if you didn't want to look hot for your significant other. They weren't meant to be comfortable, casual pajamas - you could make clothes of floss more comfortable than the thongs at Forever 21. But it made her uncomfortable to think about things in such crude, honest terms. She could only make that purchase if she detached herself from the sexual implications.

Maybe everyone has their limits in acknowledging and being okay with sex. For my parents, especially my father, these limits are pretty extreme. For my sister, she can be comfortable it as long as it doesn't hit too close to home. Some people have no problem with thinking about sex, as long as it's between married couples, or heterosexual couples, or attractive couples; outside of those bubbles, they'd rather pretend it's not happening, or at least not have to hear about it.

Sex is the one thing that everyone wants, and yet it is always the last thing parents want their kids to hear about. It's the one thing you can't show on television. And governments, cultures, religions, and everyone in between try to restrict it every chance they get. I really don't understand it.

And for that reason, I will probably never get the politics of sex in suburbia.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

Landmark Drag Club to Reopen in SW

Greg, who submitted this post, is the co-author of SWDCBlog.com and a resident of Southwest Washington.

When the new Nationals Stadium opened last year in Washington, DC, few people realized that the players were pitching and sliding on the exact spot where, just three years before, drag queens and male dancers strutted and shimmied. Third base marks the former site of Ziegfeld's/Secrets, a combination drag venue and nightclub that, for over 25 years, boasted names like "Ella Fizgerald" and "Mame Dennis."

Ziegfeld's was just one of many gay oriented businesses in near Southeast, a worn neighborhood of car repair shops and warehouses until the new ballpark and accompanying development wiped them all away. The city promised new locations, but eliminated the possibility of recreating the old "gay business district" by limiting transfer of the businesses' licenses to two per city ward. Opposition from residents, largely religious, has prevented any from relocating. Until now, that is--Ziegfeld's will soon reopen in Southwest DC.

Read more about Ziegfeld's reopening here.

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Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Event: Gays and Hollywood (Thursday, 12/11)

One of the formative gay books I read when I was younger was Vito Russo's searing, insightfully political The Celluloid Closet. The late Russo was a pioneer in analyzing how gays and lesbians were presented -- and not presented, and misrepresented -- on the silver screen. Knowing that history makes me very excited for an event being thrown at the Charles Sumner School (1201 17th Street) this Thursday, 12/11, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

Dr. Brett Abrams will deliver a presentation called Hollywood Babylon: Gays & Lesbians in the Cinema. This event is sponsored by Washington D.C.'s Rainbow History Project. Check out their website and be certain to come out to the Sumner School this Thursday for what I'm sure will be an insightful evening.

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Laughing With Us, or At Us?


A recent Monday Upper here on TNG was one of a small series of things that got me thinking about the way gays are used to comedic effect in movies and TV programs. It's no secret that writers of comedy films use gay and trans characters to get laughs out of us. All of us. I still laugh when the flamboyant fraternity brother wins the javelin throw in part due to his limp-wristed throwing style. I still laugh when a husky voice actress gets outed as trans on live daytime television. I have been laughing for 20+ years now at the zany, fey air traffic controller who is handed a weather report print-out and is asked "What can you make out of this?" only to reply, "This? I can make a hat, a broach, a pterodactyl!"

But is okay for me to laugh at these things? Are the writers of these comedies and their knee-slapping, guffawing straight audiences laughing with us, or at us? Am I feeding into the omni-present homophobia that comes with using gay characters to get laughs out of audiences because I feel that these scenes are often very, very funny?

One analytical approach would be to imagine whether these characterizations would be considered funny or offensive if a different minority group was used. The movie Hollywood Shuffle comes to mind. In this brilliant 1987 movie, Robert Townsend plays an actor who is sick of playing stereotypically Black roles. Yet throughout the film, they cut away to imagined movie clips and quasi-dream sequences where these stereotypes are exploited to the ultimate degrees in really funny ways. (Where's my activator? My activator?!?) Of course, the point of this movie was to expose these stereotypes and the roles that Black actors often find available to them. Perhaps this isn't the best example, but if humorous portrayals of these stereotypes were no-nos to the Black community, the film would have gotten "the finger" instead of accolades.

Perhaps the issue lies in the nature of humor itself. There are many different things that trigger a humorous reaction. Anyone who's watched a children's cartoon knows that violence often gets chuckles. (Think Tom and Jerry, or their parody Itchy and Scratchy for that matter.) I find that a sudden realization of a double-meaning often gets a good laugh. ("That's what she said!") So, what is funny about these gay caricatures? It could be that watching behavior that falls outside of the social norm is what triggers the humor response. That could be the case for some of the examples cited above ("And Leon is getting larger!"), but perhaps it's something else. Something darker.

Think for a second about what's so funny about watching Lamar Latrell, the Black gay fraternity brother from Revenge of the Nerds, toss the specially designed javelin using his "limp-writsted throwing style." (See the video above.) When I hit the slo-mo button on my emotional response, the first thing that comes to me is embarrassment for poor Lamar. He's making a huge fool of himself, prancing down the field in knee-high socks and carrying this big, silver, wobbly phallus. Upon realizing that he's won the event, he rushes back to his brothers at the sidelines, arms held wide open and flung back, with his chest forward and head held high. Again, I'm embarrassed for him. I can't help but think, "He's such a FAG!" It hurts me to be so judgmental of him. I want to be there on the sidelines and hug him, too, to make up for the fact that I'm such an asshole. And just when the empathy gets to be too much, I laugh out loud, boisterously. It all happens in the blink of an eye, but that's the emotional reaction.

I'm then reminded of a small section of one of my favorite books, Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. At one point, the main character states that he's figured out why humans laugh: we laugh because it hurts too much. Perhaps, on some level, pain and empathy is at the root of most (all?) laughter.

I have to include here that Revenge of the Nerds paints Lamar in the most endearing light. He is later featured as the lead singer of their Kraftwerk-inspired musical competition performance, rapping with an airy, fragile voice and air-walking in a Thriller jacket. (See below.) They win this competition, too, and yet again Lamar is the star as well as the source of a lot of emotional discomfort on my part.

So, at the end of this brief analysis, I still don't know. Is it wrong to find humor in the portrayal of gay stereotypes? Even if the gay character is the one that saves the day?



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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dispatches from Left Field: Disinvestment and Depopulation

New weekly TNG contributor, Matt, who studies transportation planning at UMD’s Urban Planning program, elaborates on some points he made last Wednesday in his post about gayborhoods. Matt also blogs at tracktwentynine.blogspot.com.

Last week, I wrote my first column on TNG. In fact, it was the first time that I have written specifically on gay issues to a gay audience. I had thought that I was writing on a subject which most would find interesting, but not one that was particularly provocative.

I was, it seems, incorrect. My column inspired a thoughtful response on Friday by Ed Jackson. The points are well made and address a much greater scope of the gayborhood than I intended in my previous column.

Indeed, last week I was trying to investigate the genesis of gayborhoods and their role in the gay community from a gay perspective. Mr. Jackson correctly pointed out that the history of the gayborhood did not start in 1969—it started some time before—as a non-gay neighborhood. He is also right to point out that I did not talk about the prior residents affected by the influx of gays, but I did not intend to. It is certainly worthy of discussion, and I’m sure it will be discussed in the future on TNG, perhaps in this column. But I try to keep my columns to no longer than a type-written page, and were we to trace the policy decisions leading to the gayborhood and disinvestment in the city, we would have to trace it back at the least to Thomas Jefferson and the other Founding Fathers, who all espoused a dislike of cities—something that seems to have been passed down from generation to generation in the United States.

A one page column cannot do what a 50 page policy brief can—and we’ll have to make do with a more general overview. Last week, I spoke of “disinvestment” in urban areas. I did not specify why disinvestment had occurred; I only made reference to the “pioneer spirit of disco-era gays.” The first gays to move into the gayborhood were pioneers of sorts. Often exiled from their families and unwelcome in their hometowns, they set out to find hope. In the process they formed communities and began to create a culture. They moved into neighborhoods that most affluent people wouldn’t have given a second glance, and which real-estate brokers would certainly not have been found.

But these neighborhoods weren’t blank slates. I referred to them as “depopulated”—not empty. If a neighborhood loses a significant portion (not necessarily most or all) of its population, it could be called depopulated. And urban neighborhoods in the late 1960s and early 1970s were certainly hurting for population. Many affluent residents had left, and several other push-pull factors were continuing to disrupt communities. While I didn’t describe the causes of disinvestment, it seems my comment was interpreted to mean that people merely chose not to invest.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

There were many contributing factors that led to certain neighborhoods being “ripe” for gentrification by gays. The factors go back generations and stem from, among other things, racism—both active and institutional in nature, unintended consequences, and the actions of communities themselves. (This list is not intended to be completely exhaustive).

Redlining dates back to 1934 with the formation of the Federal Housing Administration. With redlining, neighborhoods would be scored based on the “security” of a home loan in the area. The Home Owners’ Loan Corporation (HOLC) judged any neighborhood with a minority population (even if less than half of the population was minority) was unsuitable for a loan. In conjunction with restrictive covenants, this denied access to mortgages to minorities, including blacks and Jews. It also contributed to the decay of certain areas because no one could buy a house or get a loan to fix one up in most urban neighborhoods.

By the 1950s, the Civil Rights movement was gaining strength and won a significant victory in 1954. That year, the Supreme Court ruled in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka that segregated schools were unconstitutional. While I certainly think that this ruling was long overdue, it also contributed to urban decay. Segregated schools were, of course, still possible. If one lived in a county with few minorities, schools would be “integrated” legally, but not practically. And unfortunately, most cities were surrounded by counties of this precise makeup. These suburban counties were partially very white because of redlining and restrictive covenants.

And if the “push” factor of desegregation was not enough, it was soon coupled with an enabler. In 1956, President Eisenhower signed the Interstate Highway Act. Now, certainly some freeways predate the Interstate System, some cities and states were already building them, but the 1956 Interstate Act made it possible for all cities to build a vast network of them. Suddenly, the suburbs became closer and more accessible (for whites)—and many moved to them allowing other neighborhoods to start a decline. And if that wasn’t enough, freeways were pushed through neighborhoods destroying housing, infrastructure, and separating people from jobs and services. Most freeway construction occurred in minority neighborhoods, furthering the hurt of previous policies.

By the 1960s, “Urban Renewal” was in full stride. This practice, at least on the surface, was trying to save cities. The motives behind it were varied, and some proponents were genuinely trying to improve their cities. Others, however, were using it as an excuse to displace minorities. Southwest Washington, DC was almost completely cleared for “renewal.” Instead of quaint rowhouses and locally owned shops, the area became a wasteland of garden apartments cut off from the world by tall fences. Cities began to build housing projects (the badly designed ones tend to date from the 1960s forward) which concentrated poverty in certain areas, and did nothing to solve the systemic problems creating poverty.

With the assassination of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in 1968, many cities erupted in violence. Large swaths of DC burned from riots starting at the intersection of 14th and U Streets NW. While our gayborhood, Dupont, was mostly spared, rioters made it to within two blocks of the White House before being turned back by the National Guard. Even in neighborhoods far from the ’68 melee, riot bars went up on shop windows, and even more people headed for the ‘burbs.

The next year, the gay community threw its own riot. After a police raid on the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village, the gay community in New York and eventually the rest of the country began to stand up to anti-homosexual laws and practices. This is also considered to be a seminal moment in the creation of the gayborhood. As gays began to publicly come out of the closet, they created communities where they could be out and proud. As I wrote last week, the legacy of the gayborhood has been to foster understanding both within the gay community and with the straight community. As more and more gays come out, homosexuality becomes less and less marginalized, and gay neighborhoods have helped that process. But the interaction has not always been easy between neighbors.

This disconnect is unfortunate, and it is the responsibility of all involved to work toward a solution. That is beyond the purview of this column, but not beyond my experience. Perhaps we can explore this topic more in future columns. Ed, I hope you continue to contribute; your thoughts are valuable.

Now, I’ve gone on for far too long. This column is more than double the length I would normally write, but I’ve already learned a valuable lesson as a columnist: Never sacrifice clarity for the sake of brevity.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

401K Fierce

TNG contributor and commenter, Joey Bahamas, who describes himself as a 22-year-old black, gay, Bahamian, Marxist, Aquarian, activist, writer, scholar, sartorialist, bohemian, and drunkard living in DC, contrasts his own fiscal definition of fierce with that of the modern gays'.

Every other Friday I fight a war; this coming Friday will be no exception. For the most part, by the time I get my non-profit pay check it’s already spent—a prime example that (in this world) good deeds often cost more than they pay. The war is fought over what’s left after Verizon, the gym, my landlord and every other service rendering, product providing creature that has weaseled its way into my monthly budget. I am left with only two choices: I can be fierce or I can be responsible. For a long time fierce has won out, but no more.

So much of who we are as gay men has to do with image. Maybe it’s because for extended periods in many of our lives we did everything in our power to make the world believe that we were something that we were not. I’m talking to those of us who did everything in our power to look, act and be straight. Old habits die hard, so focusing on image may just be something we’re use to do doing. Or maybe as men we are just more naturally inclined to give greater importance to how something or someone looks. In short, maybe we’re naturally superficial. Whatever it is, I think we can universally agree that gay men can be very image obsessed, and that such an obsession has repercussions throughout our lives.

“Gym-rats,” the “no fats, no femmes” movement; these are obvious ways image obsession has manifested in our community. Beyond the gay enclave, Tyra Banks and Christian Siriano have led a modern day crusade to make the term “fierce” a part of the mainstream, and even the straights don’t believe that you’re a real gay unless you’re “fierce”. Image is so important to us that some of us go to great lengths to create superficial realities of who we are, despite our inability to afford those realities.

Think about it. How many of you know a gaggle of gays crammed into a studio apartment in Logan or Dupont Circle just so they can say they live in Logan or Dupont Circle? Or, what about that friend that spends hundreds of dollars at the club on the weekend but can barely pay for lunch during the week? Then there’s my favorite, you know, the label-queen with the newest garments that can’t seem to scrape up enough money to leave their parents basement?

This is something I’m seeing pretty regularly with gays my age, the 18-25 group (just to be clear). From the house kids, to the club kids, to the 14th and P kids; dinning at the best restaurants, being at the choicest clubs and wearing the most expensive pieces are what some have their sights on, leaving much of the rest of their lives out of focus. Being fierce is expensive, and for some of us it’s out of reach.

Personally, this signals a desperate need for us to take a look at how and why we prioritize things in the gay community the way we do. Fierceness or the act of being fierce, has a unique and—in my opinion—dangerous focus on the present, particularly for those who can’t afford it. Looking good, being seen at the hottest spots, and living in the most exclusive neighborhood has a lot to do with the now, and can leave little time to shape, plan or fund one’s future. With unaffordable health care and housing, strained Social Security and Medicare systems, and without the protection of marriage, growing older for LGBT people can be a scary and treacherous road to travel especially if we can’t afford to protect ourselves.

That’s really what my every-other-Friday fight is about. Who will get the last few coins I have left post bill collection? Will it be Barney’s Co-Op or my 401K? In recent days I have taken the responsible path and continued to siphon most of my money into my savings and 401K accounts at the cost of my wardrobe and social life. In honor of this bold new step toward my best interest, I’ve decided to fight for my own little piece of the “fierce” brand. I think the queen that saves should be considered just as fierce as the queen that shops. And, I believe that the size of my 401K is more an indicator of my fierceness than the size of my bar tab. So, on the days I can’t afford to be fierce-fierce, I’m “401K fierce” because honestly I couldn’t see not being fierce every single day.

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Friday, October 31, 2008

Brothers & Sisters: Something Good and Gay on TV

Television often has a very powerful affect on our culture – sometimes more so than anything our country’s political and legal systems can produce. Growing up, I remember when Ellen came out. I was too young to have been struggling with my own sexuality at that point, but I remember her having her own sitcom, and I remember seeing the “Yep, I’m Gay” Time magazine cover at the grocery store. I was in high school when Will & Grace became popular, and while I’ve always thought that the show focused too much on stereotypes, I would generally support the notion that the show made homosexuality a bit more mainstream.

Having heard good things, last winter I tuned in to watch ABC’s Brothers & Sisters. The hour-long family drama stars Sally Field as the mother of five adult children (Calista Flockhart among them). Unbeknownst to me before I started watching, one of the sons is gay. Even more surprising to me was how prominently this gay character factored into the show’s plot, and how un-stereotypical and refreshingly realistic the character is portrayed. Kevin, played by (straight) actor Matthew Rhys, is a successful lawyer, is hardly flamboyant, and while now in a committed relationship, had an active dating life beforehand.

Watching the show last season, I’ll admit to tearing up when Rhys’ character got married to his boyfriend. It was a bit sappy (and who doesn’t like a bit of that?), but profound in how “normal” it seemed. Living at home at the time, I tivoed the episode and made my mom watch it after I had. The episode aired shortly after I had come out to my parents, and was at a time when they were still very much grappling with how my being gay would change the future they had always pictured for me. Having my mom watch as two men became a family, while obviously fictional, was tremendously helpful. She wasn’t suddenly over the fact that I was gay, but I think it did give her an image of what my future could look like – something nice to fill the void that had previously been occupied by visions of my straight wedding.

After watching the wedding episode, I got a little curious. Who was writing this, and how were they so authentically capturing the gay experience? Which is how I stumbled upon Greg Berlanti… who, btw, is the hot guy featured in the adjoining picture (I totally have a crush on him). Berlanti, it turns out, who is himself gay, is no stranger to pushing the television envelope on behalf of gays. While writing for Dawson’s Creek (his first show), Berlanti successfully lobbied the WB to air what became television’s first gay kiss.

While much has changed since that episode of Dawson’s Creek, Berlanti attributes most of the progress to television itself. Speaking with AfterElton.com, Berlanti explained that “The executives are my age now [he’s 36] as opposed to 10 or 15 years older than me, and they've grown up in a post-Will & Grace world and a post-Six Feet Under world… And you can't live in a post-Six Feet Under world and tell mature, adult story lines without gay characters kissing where everyone else would kiss.” Which makes sense really… our generation (people under 40) is much more comfortable with gays and lesbians. And why? Because we’ve been exposed to gays and lesbians far more often, and in a far more positive light than previous generations (thanks largely to tv). And now, Berlanti is adding further to that progress.

In addition to producing Brothers & Sisters, Berlanti also produces Dirty Sexy Money and Eli Stone (starring a certain former Dawson’s Creek actress and famous Scientologist). Brothers & Sisters airs Sundays on ABC at 10pm.

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Monday, October 06, 2008

Hidden History: Alain Locke is the Key (Part II)

Hidden History is my new Monday afternoon column for The New Gay. Each week, I’ll cover a different nook or cranny in the gay and lesbian past.

I was pleased to see that, as part of their Gay History Month issue,
Metro Weekly included a discussion by Kevin Mumford about the difficulties of uncovering black gay history. Considering past discussions of race on this blog, Mumford’s article is highly worth reading. As one part of the article, he briefly mentions Alain Locke and other Harlem Renaissance figures. Here’s the fuller story that Mr. Mumford only had space to allude to.

For the proper lead-in to this week’s column, check out last week’s Alain Locke is the Key (Part I). There, I discuss how homosexuality was connected to the Harlem Renaissance, of which Locke was a prime mover-and-shaker.

When Alain Locke would stroll around the corner from his R Street home to 1461 S Street NW, the home of poet Georgia Douglas Johnson, to attend the Saturday Nighters salons in the 1920s, he was helping to insert himself into the heart of the burgeoning literary movement that would come to be known as the Harlem Renaissance. Locke would, in fact, become arguably the leading intellectual force behind the Renaissance. But who was Alain Locke to be able to reach this position?

From an old-line Philadelphia family, Locke graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard. He went on to attend Oxford University as the first African American Rhodes scholar in history. But owing to racism, he was only eligible to be hired by historically black colleges upon his return to the United States. Settling in at Howard University’s philosophy department, Locke would continue to teach there almost until his death.

In his over forty years at Howard, Locke was a popular professor, but was also known as rigorous and intellectually exacting. Harlem Renaissance historian David Levering Lewis quotes from one of Locke’s freshman lectures, in which he argued that “the highest intellectual duty is to be cultured” and that culture “will have to plead guilty to a certain degree” of “exclusiveness, over-selectness, perhaps even the extreme of snobbery.”

Locke would apply these standards to his editing of the landmark 1925 anthology The New Negro. A broad-ranging collection of poetry, essays, fiction, and art, The New Negro gathered together most of the important figures in what would be the Harlem Renaissance. It also laid forth Locke’s ideas about how African-American culture was to proceed. Locke agreed in essence with African-American intellectual W.E.B. DuBois’s theory of “the Talented Tenth”: that the progress and achievements of the most educated and skillful blacks would help the entire race achieve equality. At the same time, Locke did not follow DuBois’s idea that all art must have a directly political or moral purpose. His view was that artistic expression—particularly art emphasizing blacks’ racial heritage—would cause a cultural awakening among African-Americans; this awakening would help improve blacks’ self-image and sense of community. By gathering together large numbers of blacks from different walks of life all in one place, cities like Harlem helped foster the environment where this cultural awakening could occur and change lives. The New Negro was the opening salvo in Locke’s theory of cultural change.

In addition to providing a forum for up-and-coming writers through his editing activities, Locke was also closely connected with one of the main white patrons of the Harlem Renaissance, Charlotte Osgood Mason. A now-controversial figure, the elderly Mason had the interest and the money to provide African-American writers and artists with time and space to work—as long as their work matched her carefully prescribed notions of what was “African” and “primitive” enough. As A.B. Christa Schwarz writes, Locke “fulfilled the role of talent scout” for Mason, seeking out artists worthy of her patronage. At various times, Mason provided money to writers who were recommended by Locke, such as Langston Hughes and Zora Neale Hurston.

Despite—or perhaps because of—his power to help make artistic careers, Locke was not universally beloved. A sexist, Locke allegedly told female students not to attend class; he would give them an automatic “gentleman’s C” in exchange. Even though he had assisted Zora Neale Nurston’s career, she once referred to him as “a malicious little snit.” Charles S. Johnson, another major molder of the Harlem Renaissance, once declared that Locke had been “cast in the role merely of press agent” for the movement. And although Locke didn’t feel gay novelist Wallace Thurman achieved his potential, he personally liked Thurman; Thurman, meanwhile, was caricaturing Locke as the stiff and stuffy “Dr. Parkes” in his book Infants of the Spring.

Locke’s head could also be turned by a handsome man, which may sometimes have influenced his decisions in whose career to aid. He pursued Langston Hughes before apparently giving up in frustration in the face of Hughes’s ambiguous sexuality. Locke also had a complicated relationship with Richard Bruce Nugent, the one openly gay member of the Renaissance. When Nugent was living in Washington D.C., he became friendly with Locke, who asked him to contribute a drawing to The New Negro. Upon seeing the drawing, Locke encouraged Nugent to write a story to accompany it; eventually, the story, “Sahdji,” appeared in the anthology while the drawing did not. Nugent’s first published story, “Sahdji” was changed into a ballet, and Locke published it again in his 1927 Plays of Negro Life.

The friendship was not entirely without strings, however. In Thomas Wirth’s biography of Nugent, he repeats a section of an interview Nugent gave in which he described a time where Locke:

offered me his body. A professor of philosophy and a person old enough to be your father doesn’t lie on a bed in their shorts and say, ‘Do anything you want.’ What can you do except be embarrassed? And be a little disappointed in the person who did it. I was a lot disappointed. I was traumatized by it.

He did not cut off contact with Locke after this incident, however. Locke introduced Nugent to the sculptor Richmond Barthé; Wirth doubts that Nugent and Barthé became lovers, but they were intimate and lifelong friends, and they were close enough that Barthé cast them as the Biblical beloveds David and Jonathan in one letter to Nugent. Nugent also depended on Locke for emotional support, writing to him:

I feel the need of someone to lean on so bad. What I think would be a cure seems to be such an impossibility. Am I so impossible that I can not get a friend of the sort I want. Everyone else seems to have one close friend who thinks of all the small niceties and petty things except me. With me they all either use me without reciprocation or depend on me until I feel it incumbent upon me to create something in me for them to lean on…Don’t they ever realize that a prop (of nothing more than honest affection) might help me too? Please write me soon.

Nugent would later worry, though, that rejecting Locke’s advances had cost him. He wrote years later that Locke had specifically advised Charlotte Osgood Mason against providing patronage to him.

The difficult aspects of his personality aside, Alain Locke could provide tremendous support to writers he befriended. Perhaps the most prominent example of his benevolence is in the case of the great gay poet Countee Cullen. In a brilliant book, Gay Voices of the Harlem Renaissance, independent scholar A.B. Christa Schwarz outlines Locke’s close support of Cullen. Locke was a crucial mentor for Cullen, both artistically and in understanding and accepting his sexuality. Cullen was acutely aware of the dangers of pursuing gay sex and “had a propensity to assess same-sex love negatively.” But in 1923, Locke gave Cullen a copy of British gay rights activist Edward Carpenter’s compilation Iolaus: An Anthology of Friendship, helping Cullen see the great tradition of homosexuality in history and literature.

From the number of editions in which it was published and the number of printings it received after its initial appearance in 1902, Iolaus was obviously a critical text for unknown scores of gay men. Colloquially dubbed “The Bugger’s Bible,” Iolaus was a collection of essays and primary source texts of writing about same-sex friendship and love. Cullen wrote to Locke that reading Iolaus had “'opened up for me soul windows which had been closed.'” The anthology emphasized writings that viewed same-sex sexuality as healthy, robust, and normal. Cullen asked Locke to destroy a letter where Cullen said that Iolaus had thrown “a noble and evident light on what I had begun to believe, because of what the world believes, ignoble and unnatural.” But he wrote the letter. Cullen’s worldview had changed because of Locke, and scholars believe that this is what allowed Cullen to begin to address his sexuality in his poetry.

Shortly after Alain Locke’s death in 1955, an article in The Washington Post talked about the eulogy delivered for Locke at Howard University. Many plaudits were given, including those for Locke’s “’tranquil and genial spirit,’” his intelligence, and his contributions to Howard’s curriculum revision. But the most apt was government professor Robert E. Martin’s statement that Locke was “motivated by two fundamental influences—great devotion to the intellectual life and deep concern for students.” These two factors were undoubtedly crucial for Alain Locke. They were also profoundly linked to his homosexuality in ways that are only now beginning to come to light.

Author's note: I'll write more about gay angles to the Harlem Renaissance in future columns. For anyone who wants to read more immediately, several books are very worthwhile. For a general history of the Harlem Renaissance, the standard book is David Levering Lewis's When Harlem Was in Vogue. For homosexuality and the Harlem Renaissance, the best books I've found thus far are A.B. Christa Schwarz's Gay Voices of the Harlem Renaissance and Thomas Wirth's Richard Bruce Nugent bio-anthology, Gay Rebel of the Harlem Renaissance. Eric Garber's essay that I alluded to in Part I can be found in the aptly named anthology Hidden From History: Reclaiming the Gay and Lesbian Past.

Next week: Hidden History takes a break for Columbus Day; in two weeks, I'll look at how not to become lost to history.

For Hidden History, I’ll write more about pornographers and poets, furies and faggots, books and bootleggers, singers and scandals. If you’ve got suggestions about people, places, and ideas I should cover, particularly if they have a D.C. connection, shoot me an e-mail: philipclark@hotmail.com.

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Monday, September 22, 2008

Tonight: "Heroes" returns to NBC


Nathan and Peter Petrelli, main characters of Heroes, are brothers. But are they secretly more?

What's with gays and superheroes? Though I never read comics very much when I was little, I was fanatically devoted to the X-Men cartoon. Between when I grew out of such interests and about 4 months ago, I chalked this devotion up to a desire inherent in all 9 year-old boys to fly, shoot lasers from their hands and wear tight spandex singlets. (OK, maybe this desire was not inherent in all 9 year-old boys...) There was an undeniable element of escapism too. Growing up as an extremely dorky child, it was nice to think that if I did possess such abilities they would be a great way to show up all the popular assholes who were mean to me. (Popular asshole: "Hey, you're funny looking. Me: SONIC BOOM!")

But Heroes, NBC's superhero show, returns from hiatus tonight at and I'm just as excited as a 9 year-old. (And I know I mentioned this in my upper. If you've never repeated yourself you may throw the first stone.) I think there's a disproportionate number of gay comic book geeks out there. "Heroes" alone had one character that was about to come out before the producers became flaming cowards, a series of guest appearances from gay Star Trek star George Takei, and a highly questionable relationship between two brothers who may have read The Cement Garden one too many times. (see the video above.)

It's actually pretty obvious why the homos love the heroes so much. You have a group of people whose genetic makeup makes them outcasts from greater society, but who actually have extraordinary gifts and abilities that benefit the folks who shun them. Anyone who has been called a fag by someone in a Versace shirt should be familiar with this principle.

So these heroes usually band together in one or another family unit or underground society and take solace in being around others who are like them. Not to mention the obligatory "Why did I have to be born like this?" "You have no choice, now deal with it" dialogue that goes on in any situation where someone comes to terms with their powers.

X2 probably has the best example of this, in a scene where Iceman has to "come out" to his parents as a mutant and weathers some familiar questions, like "How long did you know? and "Maybe it's just a phase?" This clip is not on YouTube, but gay director Brian Singer can be thanked for its inclusion.

Where am I going with all this? I'm saying you should watch "Heroes" tonight if you're free. Yes, there are all the relevances that I brought up above. But really, there's a lot of hot men and women on that show running around in various states of undress. All the ladies out there can fight over who gets to kiss Nikki or Maya. Me, I'll just be dreaming a little dream of Sylar.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Gay Adjectives vs. Lesbian Nouns

Today, the words gay man and lesbian are the most recommended words to use to describe people attracted to members of the same sex.

The above quote from Wikipedia's page describing the word "gay"epitomizes something that I've been wondering about for a while. Why is it that men can be, among other things, gay, but when a woman likes other women, she's no longer a woman: She's a lesbian? Why is it that in our language, among many others, the primary indicator for a man's sexuality is an adjective, but for a woman it's a noun?

This convention is codified by our friends over at GLAAD, who instruct members of the media on how to tell the stories of LGBT people "with fairness, integrity and respect" in their Media Reference Guide. In the section "Offensive Terminology to Avoid" the guide's authors make the case for "gay" and "lesbian" over the overly clinical and presumed offensive term homosexual:

Offensive: "homosexual" (n. or adj.)
Preferred: "gay" (adj.); "gay man" or "lesbian" (n.)

Please use "lesbian" or "gay man" to describe people attracted to members of the same sex....
In the strictest interpretation of the convention, gay is an adjective you use to describe one of the many aspects of a man. He can be tall. He can be blond. He can be gay. But he's still a man. Queer men are rarely referred to as "the gays", and when they are it's either reflecting a negative opinion about us gays or a straight person's inability to communicate with queer people.

However, with that same strict interpretation, when a woman comes out of the closet, she turns into a different thing entirely, a lesbian. A les-being. Lesbian is often used as an adjective, but only to refer to gay-lady types of things, like "her lesbian relationships" or "that lesbian training camp."

No one is assuming that "woman" and "lesbian" are mutually exclusive. Someone can be a woman and a lesbian. She can also be a professional basketball player or a brain surgeon. But why can't we simply modify the words "woman" or "lady" with an adjective?

Why all the fuss? It's my belief that, on some level, the noun "lesbian" displaces the notion of "woman" in people's brains. (And replaces it with a notion that nearly rhymes with "alien.") I imagine that when someone hears or reads the concept of a "gay man", the idea of "man" fills a spot, and hanging off of it is a modifier "gay." The modifier isn't as strong as the noun, and can be ignored, forgotten or otherwise deemphasized. However, using the noun "lesbian" puts far too much focus on the sexual orientation of the person. It puts the carpet munching right up there in your face. And in my opinion, it prevents the beholder from separating the person (the body) from the sexual orientation.

This is similar to how I tell people that "I am vegetarian" and not that "I am a vegetarian." I don't want people to subconsciously portray me as some PETA-trained, guerilla, anti-meat activist who's going to rip them a new asshole for having had bacon for breakfast. (The bacon will do that on its own, eventually.) My vegetarianism is only one aspect of my life, and I prefer to use adjectives to describe those aspects.

TNG Stephanie does a great job of making up lots of new terms for queer women that always crack me up: lady gay, lesbot, homa, etc. But all of them are still nouns. And all of them separate the "homas" from the "homos" by using different words for queers of different genders. (Actually, "homa" and "homo" doesn't, and I think it's pretty awesome.)

Lately, I've been using the word "queer" almost exclusively. It's an adjective and can be applied to people, parties, music, sex, etc. It's quite versatile that way. It's also a good catch-all for those who don't identify as straight but have a hard time carrying either the "gay male" or "lesbian" banners. And it unites all us non-straight-identified folks under one five-letter word that's actually pronounceable, versus the alphabet soup that is LGBTQIXYZ...

What are your thoughts on the matter? Is "queer" the way to go? Are gay men and lesbians so different that we should have different terms? Are you wondering why a man is so interested in what lesbians are called? Your thoughts are always welcome.

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Friday, September 05, 2008

The "Straight Hag"

This post was submitted by Miguel Baca, curious observer of realities within and without, happily married, and a new resident of Adams Morgan.

Historians to be will always look back fondly at the gay community for coining the brilliant term "fag hag". When I first heard the word it took me a while to understand the concept. Coming from a culture where segregation of all types is always practiced but not discussed or debated, I had a hard time realizing that the English language (a prodigy of rational thinking) needs to apprehend reality through words. Ironically though, this need has developed into a culture where words (and images) have not only apprehended reality but have taken it hostage. So what started as an insult for women who associate mostly (and sometimes exclusively) with gay men has become an innocuous adjective characterizing the search for safe and intimate relationships with men without sexual tension.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've loved to do things most other kids didn’t. Take my cousins Cesar and Guillermo, roughly my age and utterly frustrated because it was summertime, we had a football, and I would prefer to spend my time burying my nose in books I’d find in their father’s library room. I also loved listening to music most kids didn’t dig, talking to adults about history and literature, taking care of pigeons with broken wings (disturbingly enough for an 11 year old, I was absolutely convinced that my role was to accompany them while they died and then give them a dignified burial), creating elaborate modern dance choreographies in the comfort of my mom’s bathroom and listening to the maids for hours, in mesmerized silence, talking about the villages with no electricity they left behind when they moved to Lima.

Naturally, a little guy like that gravitated toward other freaks and misfits like him. Even though I also befriended jocks, class presidents, and other forms of overcompensating losers in high school, most of my friends were fun, kind, creative, and intellectually stimulating pot-heads. They were also mostly straight. We would spend endless hours discussing our passion for Herbert Marcuse’s writings, debating whether Fidel was good or bad for Cuba (we were split on that one…), criticizing Peru’s almost medieval class system, going to experimental plays in underground theaters or playing guitar and singing Morrissey and Cure songs out of tune. When I was around 16 and came out to my friends, most of them quietly asked some random questions while rolling a spliff ("So do you like me? … Why not?" or "Please don’t tell me that means you actually like Cher") and off we were to the beach. The friends I had so much in common with had only one concern: that I find a really cool guy to date (preferably Morrissey himself). Having not experienced major rejection from my group, it was not necessary for me to go out and meet new people to hang out with. My friends remained my friends and we remained sharing the experience of growing up and out together. And in the meantime, I became a straight hag.

Finding gay guys to date or befriend as a straight hag was not hard either. It actually happened in a much more organic and natural way because I got to meet men I had a lot in common with (such as Diego, a poet in the making or Juan Luis, an archaeology student I had the most fun with digging trenches in the outskirts of Lima). When I came to the US I realized that socialization in the gay world is a radically different process. Having been brought together by a false sense of "community", gay men in a club or a bar rarely have much in common other than engaging in buggery. By and large, friendships do not seem to have been built on the grounds of shared interests cultivated by a strong sense of individuality but rather on a vague and artificial definition of what it means to be gay that is imposed on people by the media and self-perpetuated by gay men. And because of that, interactions and conversations have to be kept at the lowest common denominator (presumably sex and guys, or sex with guys or any other combination of these words).

Last night, my friends and I went out to a gay bar. Maybe the environment is charged with sexual tension and makes it difficult for them to relax and be themselves. Or maybe the artificiality of the bonds becomes very evident in such circumstances. Perhaps there is a mandatory policy of checking your brain at the door before you walk in. But whatever the reasons behind it, it doesn’t seem to be an enjoyable experience for the majority of people in there. What made it more unpalatable was the fact that my friends and I had just spent the earlier hours of the evening at a house-warming party organized by a straight couple and their friends. The abundance of women was a refreshing change from the testosterone-ridden setting of most gay get-togethers. The realization that most people in that room had things in common other than their sexual orientation, let it be their intellectual interests, political preferences, artistic inclinations or simply a passion for poker, was absolutely invigorating. I mean, I have never been able to meet anybody at a gay bar who is a tech-wiz and is eager to discuss Russian literature (we agreed that you cannot really conclude that Anna Karenina is better than Crime and Punishment; they both illustrate different things and are brutally good at that). And as the straight hag that I am, I thrived interacting with guys I had more in common with than the fact that we want to fall in love with guys.

Ironically, being a straight hag has allowed me to get rid of labels and discover intimacy and acceptance in the most unexpected places.

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Straight and Gay, the Worlds Collide

Jon (and his big mutt) recently moved to Shaw from upstate New York.

This past weekend one of my best friends from college came down for a visit from NYC. Convinced that he had already had his share of museums from past DC visits, I did my best to think of things we could do. Fortunately, my little stint as a DC cruise director was made easier by the fact that we really only left my apartment at night… that probably sounds very sexual. Far from it! He's straight and probably the last person on earth that I'd want to sleep with (male or female). Anyway, I digress. What I was trying to say is that I didn't have to come up with any daytime activities because for the two nights he was here, we stayed out late, got drunk, and spent the following mornings and afternoons sleeping off our hangovers.

Along with some other college friends, we spent the first night in Adams Morgan and at the Black Cat. Fun times were had by all. Not wanting to do the same thing the next night, I racked my brain and came up with the idea that it might be fun to go to a gay bar. My friends are all aware that I'm gay, but they've never actually seen me in a gay environment, so I thought it might be a bit of a novelty for them. Turns out I was wrong.

Nothing bad happened. None of them were weirded out or anything, they just got bored. We started our night off at Nellie's, which I thought would be relatively unintimidating... somehow I couldn't picture my Republican friend feeling right at home walking around Town.

Things started off well. We went up to the roof deck, ordered some drinks, chatted, and giggled about who I thought was cute. As the roof deck filled up and their personal space shrank, we decided to move downstairs. After about 20 minutes I started getting restless. Everyone was upstairs, but I was stuck downstairs. One of my friends (the Republican actually) volunteered to come upstairs with me and serve as a wingman of sorts. After 30 minutes or so, we headed back downstairs to check on our other friends. As I walked down the stairs, I had high hopes of finding them immersed in conversation with some newfound gay friends. Instead, they were playing chess (thinking back, I wonder how the hell they even found a chessboard?).

Sensing their lack enthusiasm for our current venue, I suggested that we move over next door to DC9. While a pleasant surprise to me, we entered not knowing that it was Taint night and that the entire second floor was filled with dancing sweaty gay guys. After a brief trip upstairs, my friends decided to set up camp at one of the tables on the first floor… where they remained until they left. I ended up staying much later.

Why the long story? As you may recall, I wrote recently about the prediction a friend of mine made that I would soon replace my straight friends with gay ones. My ultimate conclusion was that while nothing would change with my closest friends, it made sense that most of my casual straight friends would be replaced by gay ones. Looking at this past weekend as my own little social experiment, I think I've already proved myself correct. While I love my close college friends and don't expect my relationships with them to change, I certainly can't rely on them to be my gay bar posse.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Hookups: Harmless Fun?

This follow-up to Zack's Thoughts on Manhunt was submitted by Aidan, who has recently shared his opinions on The Superficial Victory in the Manhunt Crusade and Happiness and Gayness.

One paragraph that really stuck out at me from the Out Magazine piece on Manhunt was the following:

“To pretend that the choice to have immense numbers of sexual encounters with little or no emotional context is value-neutral -- long an article of faith of modern gay life -- is a mistake. Decoupling sex from emotion is a fool’s errand, and Manhunt seems to be the fullest expression of this project. It is hard to see how it could go any further.”

This is where the meat of the discussion lies. I'd like to start by saying that I think we often mistakenly throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to rejecting Judaeo-Christian morality. From what I gather, the overarching view in the gay community, the ethos of the Dan Savage mindset, is that pretty much any 18 year old consenting orifice is a good thing to stick your dick at, provided there's a condom on it.


Savage would likely plead that he advises readers to investigate whether their potential partners are dating/married, and what the understanding is about non-monogamy if this is the case. He also occasionally gives writers “permission to cheat.” While I find Dan Savage to be hilarious and witty, I often read his advice and am left with the distinct impression that he has some pretty effed up philosophical first principles (the most egregious example being his advice here to OBGYN).

What does a culture where promiscuity is seen as normal and healthy (just don't forget that latex!) provide us with? This, to me, is the question which the Out Magazine piece tries to answer, and it's not a pretty picture.

The reality of objectifying one another is something we just can't deny (maybe I'm generalizing, but I can't deny it personally speaking). Plenty of my friends have a tendency, when I chat with them online about a recent date, upon being asked questions such as “So how was his personality? What's he do for a living? Where'd he go to undergrad? Do you think you're compatible?” to respond to all these questions with a simple, thousand-word answer: a picture.

How hot he is? In many ways, that is the measure of our worth in the dating world. That ain't gonna change. I'm not preaching here; at gay venues when I meet guys, there is a certain implicit understanding about “league” - and whether or not we're in the same one. That's not a good thing, that's not a tendency within myself that I am proud of, but that's how the world is.

Although my first experience at a gay bar did teach me that this whole gay thing would in fact be much harder than I first thought, I did not fully internalize the lesson implicit in that experience. Despite my initial disillusionment, I had nonetheless discovered a very powerful medication for my insecurities.

With mere words I cannot do full justice to this medicine. At best, I hope that I can describe something close enough to the experiences of others that they will be able to recognize the feelings I am trying to describe.

I had discovered a cocaine for my ego. Certainly the raging hormones of a young man played a role, but I was learning that I could, for a short while, become a god on the floors of the local gay bar. Once the initial awkwardness and small talk following the exchange of “come fuck me eyes” in which we unambiguously indicated our mutual attraction were done with, my catch of the evening and I would soon be out there shakin' our groove thing. Dancing. So simple and innocent, right?

Yet in that act we were giving one another something far more precious. In our mutual desire and sexualization of each other, we would provide a foundation for us to climb Mount Olympus, to be divine and recognize divinity in the other. Never mind the copious release of dopamine that was certainly happening, this was the fulfillment of a need far deeper in the soul than anything biochemistry might enable.

We could reach out and worship that image of masculinity that the combination of genes and gym time had bestowed upon our bodies. And we could tell one another that yes, you are appreciated. You are worthwhile. You are fuckin' hot. I want you, and I want you to want me!

And yet, I have discovered that as powerful as these experiences may be, they do not fulfill the deepest longings of my heart, however much they may seem to do so on a Friday night when I'm bored, lonely, and really what's all the fuss about? And even if they were able to do so, wouldn't that be rather shitty? I am the first to recognize that the flower of my youth will eventually wilt, and conditioning myself to seek ego-strengthening messages based upon my looks is not something that is psychologically healthy in the long term.

No, what I ought to do is seek self acceptance and a healthy self esteem in those same places that my parents and society as a whole have taught me to from a young age: by using my gifts, talents, and aptitudes to be a person who increases the amount of goodness in the world. Such sentiments were certainly the source of my (generally healthy) sense of self worth before I decided to come out.

I cannot be told by another person that I am worthwhile and/or a positive force in the universe. I can delude myself into thinking that my appearance makes me that, but at the end of the day the responsibility for becoming these things and internalizing that reality rests at my own feet. And I know that in many ways I have utterly failed to become the kind of person that all the blessings of my particular lot in life may have allowed me to be, and that saddens me. Yet all I can do is recognize my deficits, know that they are deficits, and seek to repair them.

I know that many gay couples opt for emotional monogamy, sexual polyamory. But is this a good way to live one's life? Gross makes a point in the Out Magazine article that there is always someone out there who is younger, cuter, smarter, or richer than our current boyfriend. Is it a good thing to make it, communally-culturally speaking, acceptable to be seeking other sexual partners? I would argue that it's not.

My friend, who is a big fan of The Ethical Slut and all the enslavement to our genitalia which it advocates, disagrees with me here. “Aidan, your views are still too tainted by your puritanical upbringing! Get over it! Sex is just a lot of fun - no big deal here!”

And I have told him that even removing all questions of morality from the discussion, his lifestyle remains a rather dangerous one, and that an honest look at the empirical literature tells me he is rather likely to acquire HIV at some point. Condoms break sometimes, kiddos - particularly during anal sex.

Somehow he is able to dismiss all this with a huff and a “you're just being judgmental” puff. Look dude, I'm not judging you at all. In fact, I really like you quite a bit, and all I'm saying is that I find it sad as your friend that your behavior is, from an objective and medical standpoint, pretty damn imprudent.

In fact, a fear of being seen as judgmental has kept me from fully expressing my opinions to him about his sexual decisions. If I were to be completely honest, what I might say to him would be something like this:
“Look, X, first I want to make it clear that I am not judging you or in any way saying that I have the capacity to decide your moral culpability for any of your actions. I don't have access to the raw psychic material upon which you base your decisions. I hope our friendship is strong enough that you know I genuinely desire the good for you.

Having said that, I am not going to celebrate, in the name of being an accepting and non-judgmental friend, what I see as your decision to basically surrender any sort of self restraint in the sexual area. I'm not saying that I'm better than you because I haven't done that, but I do pity you because there are clearly elements of a psychopathology behind your compulsive sexual behavior. Common sense and mountains of research on stable, healthy romantic relationships tells me that the sort of advice contained in The Ethical Slut is just really stupid and selfish.

You are in fact in danger of contracting HIV because of your behavior; I believe you have a moral obligation to yourself and to your boyfriend to practice more self restraint. If you end up contracting HIV, suddenly your moral obligation to keep your zipper up will be exponentially increased. And frankly, I think that with some honest self reflection you might realize that in your loneliest, horniest moments you would not always have the courage to disclose your HIV status to your potential partners, which would be a grave moral failure on your part even if you always used a condom. The reason you would not have that courage is because you are giving in to an unhealthy sexual addiction, and you are not acquiring the self restraint required to do that kind of thing. Getting your orgasms would be more important to you.

Furthermore, I want to make it clear that HIV isn't the only or even the main thing I worry about here.

Seeking out tons of sexual partners, whether it is online (as is your preference) or in person, is just not the sort of activity that healthy, well-adjusted adults engage in; it's juvenile and selfish. Gay culture sends us powerful messages trying to convince us otherwise - but it's incorrect! You are fucking yourself up on a psychological level. Please see a sexual addiction specialist, because in reality you are not, as you claim to be, some sort of brave sexually liberated hero with all your transgressive, edgy, and hip ideas on this matter.”

Would I just be a closed-minded asshole if I were to say something like that to him? Maybe, but it's still true! He would probably just laugh at me and talk about how I'm still swallowing the kool-aid I was given as a child. “One day Aidan, you'll realize how silly and naive your ideas about sex are, and jump in the pool with the rest of us who are having tons of fun and getting lots of fulfillment out of all of this! My advice to you would be to do that while you're still young and attractive.”

I'm not holding my breath.

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