Friday Staff Survey: Dick Cheese Doesn't Count...

This survey was compiled by TNG co-founder Zack.

Original Illustration by Maggie.

This week's staff survey question was actually posed originally in the very, very early days of TNG. However, not that many people answered it and I'm genuinely curious as to what everyone has to say. This question was first posed to me at Laurial Plaza two years ago over many margaritas. I hope that no one out there is actually forced to make this choice, but today's question should give you something to think about:

What would you rather give up for the rest of your life: Cheese or receptive oral sex?

Full survey below the fold. Plus, how come so many of our staff members had actually been asked this before?

1. Zack, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I had to weigh this carefully and deliberately. I like to snacking on cheese and I like getting BJs. However, two primary factors informed my decision here: A) I don't always know what to do with myself while getting head. Where do my arms go? When do I reciprocate? Sometimes handjobs are more fun and more, well, hands on. B) I'm sure that when I'm 64 I'll be able to enjoy cheese, but who knows if I'll be able to get BJs anymore? So cheese wins out. Sorry, oral sex.

2. Michael, Co-founder and primary contributor:

I was vegan for over 3 years. Possibly the worst three years of my life. My first link back into the non-vegan food chain was a slice of Vace cheese pizza. OMG, so good. Cheese is just too delicious, more readily available, and is known to raise serotonin levels. I can have orgasms without mouths involved.

3. Allison, Staff Contributor:

This may be more difficult for the lesbians to decide.... Even though I can't put a vagina on a ritz cracker, I still choose oral sex over cheese.

4. Craig, Staff Contributor:

Oral sex. I just can't quit you, Brie.

5. Matt, Staff Contributor:

I'd rather give up receptive oral sex. Honestly, I'd rather give than receive. Plus cheese is just so good.

6. Rocky, Music Editor:

Well I'm really more of a giver than a receiver, so the bj's, while nice, aren't all that necessary (as long as I'm still allowed to make out and fuck, of course.) As for the cheese, aside from a nice smoked gouda, I'm not super into that either, so this is a toughie... I guess I'll vote to keep the cheese, because I'd rather have a decent cheeseburger than a bad blowjob. Also, I feel weird answering this in a jury room...

7. Maggie, Staff Cartoonist:

As a vegan, my girlfriend has already made this decision; as for me, I balked at the question. After seriously weighing both options, I'd totally skip out on eating cheese to continue eating ... well, can you blame me? They do say vegans taste better...

8. Corey, Managing Editor and Staff Contributor:

This is really three questions:

1) Do I like cheese? YES. It is the best food category ever, followed closely by coffee and olives.

2) Do I like giving head? YES. Giving head is like making music. It takes rhythm, stamina, creativity, enthusiasm, and good breathing. As a former bass clarinetist myself... well, you get the idea.

3) Do I like getting head? ...........Oh, I'm sorry, I think I just fell asleep at the mere thought of getting head.

Anyway, that's my answer. I'm really jonesin' for some cheese now.

9. Ed, Staff Contributor:

It is offensive to my sensibilities and a betrayal of every principle upon which this great nation was built that any person who dares call him or herself an "American" would choose cheese over oral sex. Fellow Patriots, let me say unequivocally, and with no reservation in my heart, that when oral sex is administered properly in the pursuit of freedom and consistently to release our brothers and sisters from the tyranny of our oppressors, you will, without question, find me inextricably on the receiving end of a gifted and enthusiastic mouth that is striking a blow for liberty. Give me head or give me death! (Sorry, we were watching the John Adams mini-series this weekend.)

Editorial Staff:

10. Andrew, Editorial Assistant:

I'd give up cheese. No doubt. Also, I'm lactose intolerant so that just adds to the reasons to give cheese the boot. (No offense, cheese.)

11. Hans B., Editorial Assistant:

That's a tough one, but I've had more bad blowjobs than bad cheese. Cheese wins.

11. Jenna, Editorial Assistant:

I'd definitely have to go with the sex over the cheese, but that's possibly only because I'm not really a cheese person. If the question was about chocolate, I can't promise my answer would be the same...

12. Gem, Editorial Assistant:

I agree that this question is more difficult for the lesbians to answer and in fact, this question has been posed to me on more than one occasion. I'm actually surprised I've never asked this question in a staff meeting as it has somehow become my default icebreaker question in many a social circle.

Anyhow, answer is oral sex. Although the question is a toughy, I honestly cannot even fathom why anyone would ever answer differently.

13. Lauren, Editorial Assistant:

Woah! This is the second time I've heard this question today! ahaha. And always cheese and oral sex... never chocolate or masturbation...? I'm standing by the ladies, definitely give up cheese over oral sex.

14. Whitney, Editorial Assistant:

At the risk of having to relinquish my dyke card, I'd give up receptive oral sex. There are lots of ways to get off, but only one way to get macaroni & cheese.