Who You Callin' Partner?

TNG is taking a much needed break from Dec 19-Jan 4. TNG will return with new content on Jan 5. Until then, please enjoy this post from the past year. Original publish date: 4/24/2008.

Why can't people just use the term boyfriend when referring to my boyfriend? I've already mentioned my disdain for the term "special friend," as it devalues the homosexual relationship and implies that gays with significant others have something to hide. That's a no brainer. However, there's a term that rankles me even more, and for less of a defined reason.

Two weeks ago, one of my better gym friends (i.e. person you like a lot but never talk to outside of the weight room) was chatting with me and asked me where my "partner" was. Not "boyfriend," not "guy you're dating," but partner. Am I in a business relationship? Am I wearing a wedding ring? I have never been able to figure out when exactly a boyfriend or girlfriend becomes a partner, and for that reason it's a nomenclature that rarely fails to make me bristle.

I have so many negative associations to "partner." A good friend of mine once admitted that partner was the word she used before she felt comfortable referring to two men as boyfriends. It has a euphemistic quality that makes me think it has straight origins, as if an old guard of liberal heteros wanted to acknowledge that us gays could have long, lasting relationships without letting us use of their special names for love.

I think the only appropriate use of the word partner is when referring to a long-time relationship where some official declaration of commitment has been declared. So if you're introducing me to your boyfriend of eight years, who is wearing your ring but unable to actually marry you through our countries backwards legal system, by all means call him your partner. If you're introducing me to a guy you've nailed a couple times and are really into, do not use the same term. It cheapens what the first couple have.

To me, "partner" is a constant reminder of how little legitimacy a gay relationship is granted by our government. If I were straight, I would either have a girlfriend or a wife. There would not be the same level of guesswork involved, trying to figure out exactly which kind of "partner" I was referring to. Does he mean "partner because we will be together for the rest of our lives?" Or "partner because we've been together for a while and 'boyfriend' isn't working anymore?" Or worse still: "Could they be business partners? They don't look gay..." (That last one is more from the straight point of view, but still...)

My boss is legally married, and every day I take pride in hearing him tell stories about his "husband." I think it's progress. When I settle down for good, I would prefer to have my relationship labeled the same as every other legitimate relationship. It might be a flawed, fucked up system, but there are things that you give up for equality.

My last reason for hating the term partner is a more personal one. When I'm walking around with my boyfriend, and someone asks us how long we've been partners, it forces an issue that no couple should have to deal with unless they're completely prepared. Its a lowkey equivalent to someone asking their son's new girlfriend "So, how long until you two get married." It can be awkward.

But mostly it's this: You have a partner in tennis. You have a partner in bridge. You have a partner in business. So really -- are any of these activities remotely comparable to a committed, loving, long term relationship?