Dating: Are You Ready?

TNG is taking a much needed break from Dec 19-Jan 4. TNG will return with new content on Jan 5. Until then, please enjoy this post from the past year. Original publish date: 8/28/08.


Last year, Ben provided us with his 10 rules of dating. He's gotten a lot of positive feedback on them, and I generally agree with all that he had to say. Ben's advice, however, only really provides advice for you while you're actually out there dating people. But lots of people don't quite know how to get there. It's my sense that a lot of people out there are trying to date but aren't quite ready for it. Below are my 5 tips for being prepared to be in a relationship.

1) Be Ready

We gays don't get the same socialization that the straights get. Because we're either closeted in high school, or the "only gay in the village" at the time, we don't get the emotional preparation for relationships that our counterparts get. In high school and some/all of college, we're in the closet and/or asexual. As we begin to figure stuff out, we proceed to make up for lost time, often hurting a lot of other people along the way. Let's face it: emotionally, we're 14 year-olds running around in the fully functional body of 20+ year-olds, with full access to alcohol and independent sources of income. What a recipe for disaster. No 14 year-olds are ready for long term relationships, that's for sure. Make sure you take the time to get all caught up and make up for all that lost time before you try to spend time with just one person. Don't apologize for not being emotionally prepared for monogamy/monotony. Just don't try for it if you're not ready.

2) Be Happy

In my view, there are three kinds of relationships, but only one kind is functional. Let's say you have person A and person B. If both A and B are happy in their lives and are finding that they know how to get their own needs met, then they are capable of having a successful and functional relationship. If neither A nor B are happy, then they are slated for a potentially successful yet dysfunctional (codependent) relationship, if the relationship can improve the well-being of both parties. If one person is happy and the other isn't, then the happy person will be carrying the other person's emotional baggage all the time, and that's a recipe for an unsuccessful dysfunctional relationship: definitely to be avoided.

The secret to being ready for a relationship is to lead a happy and successful life that is available to be shared with someone else. One shouldn't mope around expecting to find someone else to bring them happiness. Successful relationships only work well if both people are capable of being whole people on their own. The union that results will be even stronger.

3) Be Interested

Nobody likes a boring person. In order for someone to find you interesting, you should spend a lot of time finding out what makes you happy (see #2 above) and getting involved in those things. Be interested in something. People with few interests have very little to talk about with the people they're dating. How will you make it through dinner without something interesting to talk about? How will the other person see that you are prepared to commit yourself to working on the relationship if you don't have engaged relationships with other things you're interested in? Spend some time thinking about your interests and then develop them. You'll find that your dates will be more interested in you if you are interested in other things.

4) Be Active

The best way to meet people is to share common interests. Take those interests you've cultivated during #3 above and take them out on the street. Interested in art? Go to art openings. Want to give back to your community? Join a volunteering group. Like a particular sport? Find a group of people nearby that enjoy it too, and either watch or participate in that sport with them. It's much easier to know up front whether you have shared interests with someone when you're participating in cultivating those interests together. I definitely prefer that to playing 20 questions with someone you meet out at a bar. Especially if you end up buzzed after the first 10. Pursuing your interests outside of your apartment will provide you a lot more opportunity to run into other potential dates with whom you have things in common. You'll have a lot more luck if you spend your time doing things you're interested in instead of just looking for a boyfriend.

5) Be Present

Make sure you're engaged when interacting with people. If you're out and about and meet someone, give them your full attention. Don't let yourself get distracted by hot guys or cute dogs walking past. Make eye contact and hold it. This is especially important once you get to actually going on dates with someone. Wandering eyes send up big flags that, while you may be on a date with guy A, you'd rather be sleeping with guys B, C and D. Unless you've already established with your date that you're into group sex, this isn't very attractive.

A friend of mine told me recently that he needed to be prepared to be single and self-reliant for the rest of his life. I questioned him on this, and he replied that he felt that the dating "market" was slated against his favor (being that he's extremely intelligent, very eccentric, and south-Asian) so he was going to eschew the market all together and find ways to get all his needs met. I responded that he was throwing out the Rice Crispies because he hated Safeway, and that was just bullshit. The dating market is indeed very flawed, but it's my opinion that many of those flaws come from the fact that most single gay men out there aren't satisfying the five tips above before putting themselves out there. And in doing so, they're disappointing themselves and everyone else they try on for size. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Make sure you're not wearing dog-bone underpants before you walk out the door.