No Fats of Femmes: A Gay Culture at War With Itself
Jeremy, a musician and writer in Tampa, Florida, submits this original post about his observations on the perpetuation of gay stereotypes and our acceptance of each other.TNG is taking a much needed break from Dec 19-Jan 4. TNG will return with new content on Jan 5. Until then, please enjoy this post from the past year. Original publish date: 11/10/08
It has always bothered me how mean we are to each other, but I didn't realize quite how much until recently. In Florida, where I live, 62% of the voters passed Amendment Two. It was disheartening to me that 62% of the state that I live in does not think I should have equal rights. Even more disturbing is on election night, after hearing the amendment passed, I logged into the gay chat rooms and browsed over the internet personal ads full of negative messages. As much as the majority of the general public may think unfavorably of us, it seems even more so we think unfavorably of each other. IT HAS GOT TO STOP.
Of the fifty ads I browsed, over 80% contained a negative message. Some examples:
It broke my heart to see the majority of my peers were filling their limited profile space not with what they were looking for in a partner, but instead what they were NOT looking for. Being a 33 year old gay male, I can feel the negativity at clubs as well as online. It may be my own insecurities, but whenever I am around a lot of attractive men I feel like the nerdy kid in gym class. The weirdo. The one that people pass over when picking their team. And I'm not even a fat or a femme!
Now, more than ever, the gay culture needs to get together and start loving and respecting each other. The language we use to dismiss and degrade one another needs to be banished and discouraged. We need to stop using terms like fats, femmes, twinks, and trolls. We need to get together. We need to accept, love, and develop friendships with each other. If the gay community could get its act together and stop being so segregated, imagine the statement that could be made nationally!
It is important for us to stop using the language we are using. We must stop dehumanizing people because they don't go to the gym five days a week. Stop thinking so negatively of feminine behavior. Let's embrace and celebrate both the feminine and masculine sides of ourselves. I see so many of my gay male peers trying ever so hard to prove their masculinity to both themselves and their perspective partners. Why is machismo so celebratory? I feel it goes back to our culture's subtle sexist view of females. It seems that to be gay and feminine is frowned upon. The basis of most gay-themed jokes has its character engaging in feminine behavior. Why is it funny for a man to have stereotypically feminine characteristics? So what? In the year 2008 why are we still creating such a narrow set of behavioral expectations?
Not only does the heterosexual public seem to look negatively on a lot of stereotypically gay behavior, we do so amongst ourselves. Why all this effort to appear "not gay"? Why the obsession with being a "jock" or "stud" or "straight acting"? Let's celebrate our own nuances and love the variety within ourselves. Can we do it or are we going to hate and degrade anyone who is not 6’1” and one 145 pounds with blonde hair?
This is my call for all fellow gay people to stop being at odds with each other. WE NEED TO ACCEPT AND LOVE EACH OTHER FOR WHO WE ALL ARE. Let's quit excluding and degrading each other. I want the country to accept us, but before that, I want us to accept ourselves. Fat, thin, black, white, masculine, feminine. We must all be one, now more than ever.
3 comments:
fantastic article. i noticed the "women" disclaimer when leaving a comment which i find sad on a gay website but a good starting point.
another good place to start, would be to include lesbians when addressing the "gay community" :) while this is a wonderfully written and thoughtful commentary, one would think lesbians are a non-existant figment of pornographic fantasy. excluding the female gender when speaking to the "gay community" can come off as a bit contemptuous of women. we really do need to come together bc our being divided is exactly what has in the past, and will in the future allow this next administration to exclude us from our rights which in many cases invlove life and death circumstances for members of our community. we are fighting for our lives here, we only have each other.
YES WE CAN!
I'm glad this idea is out there because it is one that I never felt I could voice. I was reading an interview with Reichen L, NSYNC member's boyfriend, and he said that he was "straight acting" and he never wanted to be feminine.
I was pissed, how dare someone who is a gay figurehead jump in the straight boat and talk down upon femme gays? I'm sure many many people give the same message to their community as well.
Often gays are afraid to stand out because they think fitting in will reduce the response they get for being gay. This leads to snarky and hateful behavior: the gay community is the most racist, ageist, lookist (discrimination owing to appearance) one I have ever seen.
I'm SO glad to read this and see someone else feel this way and write about it! The on-line personal ads are truly disturbing. I love the picture you have here-- it really illustrates this problem well!
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