Letter from Poland: Negotiation of Gender Identity

Dariusz — a Polish TNG fan — shows us that some LGBT challenges are the same no matter where you go.

Many people think that being born male, white and middle-class is supposed to really simplify a lot of aspects of one's life. Especially while living in a very homogeneous country like Poland. I dare to object.

I write to you because I have to share something that really annoys me. But in order for you to understand it, I think a short bio of myself is necessary.

I'm at a stage in my life where I can surely say that I like all people from a sexual perspective: sex, gender, race, color - those features really mean nothing to me. I'm 21 years old, a student, a person, and a vegetarian. But in Poland, labeling oneself as bisexual means that you are either gay and closeted (according to straight people) or heterosexual and just want to be cool (according to gay people). And everyone thinks such a person just cannot be faithful.

Because of certain features I possess — long, dyed hair, wearing pink and violet, generally bright colored clothes — everyone is likely to tell me that I'm just gay. And here is where it all begins: I'm a victim of stereotyping and gendering, but also some silly norms.

I wish to say: just stop that already. In a straight, Polish reality, I should cut my hair short and start wearing black and blue, find myself a girlfriend and watch sports. I don't want to do that simply because I was born with a penis. Although I like that part of my body, it does not define me.

But if you go to so-called "gay places", you don't get different treatment. People are people and everyone stereotypes and genderizes. So Polish gay people just want to be "straight-acting", and judge you if you don't. Although I have never worn a dress in my whole life, they keep asking me whether I'm willing to change my sex or suggest I am a "tranny". Girls ask me about makeup stuff though I have no idea about it, and can't even name a single device they are using. Although I am not trans, I feel obliged to defend transvestites and transsexual people because I cannot really understand why they are being treated as different, when they really aren't. I don't wear "female" clothes because I just do not fancy them. If I did, I would wear them.

Then again, I find myself with a constant need to define myself. I have to negotiate my gender, my place in society, and — to put it simply — MYSELF, all the time. I am pretty much aware that although people say, "It's what you have inside that counts", that's not really true. It's whether you fit a stereotype or not. If you stay in Poland for a long period of time, this will strike you (allow me to generalize, too): about 3/4th of people will look nearly the same. Asked about their favorite stuff, they all will provide the same answer.

I'd love to somehow — I don't know how — be able to to tell people: "Stop genderizing so much! Why do you care about appearances so much? Why do you care about defining everybody and making them put concrete labels on themselves?"

I am not denying that I was born male, but everyone knows that this is easily changeable nowadays. Yet, I like my body the way it is. Just because I have certain male bodily features does not mean I can use a hammer or fix everything. Or that I like sports. Or that I cannot be a single parent. I can also cook. I don't believe in violence. I am a romantic. I'm going to keep my hair orange, and wear it long and curly, and still refuse to wear dresses, 'cause I ain't feeling female. I feel genderless. I feel myself.

So how and where can I start fighting for the abolishment of genderization? I heard that labels are supposed to make life easier. Well, only for those who cannot overcome them, because for me, they are only a nuisance, an obstacle I have to deal with all the time.

I know it's unreal to think that one day, people would stop looking at sex and gender and judging you by whom you sleep with. Or stop you from being with someone you love because you declared yourself either straight or gay. Or where thinking of yourself as bisexual wouldn't mean losing to society, norms, and the system.

I mean, why can't we let people just be themselves? I think people see me as a threat to their identity. And I don't give a damn about their identities. I'm okay with everything as long as they are okay with mine.

It terrifies me because I don't know whether there are countries, cities, or places where I could just be myself and still find happiness. Don't get me wrong though, I don't feel bad. I have a decent life, plenty of friends, some dating possibilities, and a shiny future. Still, with my point of view, I just feel I don't fit in. And everyone needs to belong somewhere.