Gender Blender

I've attempted to begin a new policy when filling out forms that ask me to state my "gender": I cross out the G-word and write in "sex" instead. Then I answer male.

Yes, it would work better if people didn't think I was just an adolescent who still thought the word sex was funny, and wanted to see it written on the page. And to be honest, it does make me think of Austin Powers answering the "sex" question on some paperwork with "yes, please." But I like the idea of rejecting the notion of gender as for a few years now I have felt strange identifying in that way.

I was talking with my thesis adviser in December about the terminology being used by the Lutheran church to describe gay couples. Some folks wanted to use the language "same-gender" instead of "same-sex," and my professor was opposed. The idea of gender, we agreed, simply carried with it too many ideas and associations outside of biological necessity. It assumed too much about an individual, and restricted the acceptable ways society suggested that they could express or identify themselves.

Of course, this is all just a bunch of academic bullshit if it doesn't mean something to someone. Lately I've been wondering if it means something to me - if I really have reason to reject a gender identity.

The interesting thing about being gay is that although we are attracted to members of our own sex, we are often looked at as the least acceptable members of that sex in terms of masculinity and femininity. It is somehow considered not masculine to be a gay man, and not feminine to be a gay woman. This is contrary to the logic that if I greatly appreciate the male form, don't show sexual interest in women, and sleep with men, I would be the most masculine type of person. (And similarly, a gay woman would be the most feminine.) But this isn't the case at all. Same-sex couples often have complex gender identities, and even if they don't - even if two of the bro-est guys on the earth are in a relationship - much of our culture would still define them as the antithesis of masculine because of their orientation.

And this has caused many gay people, who have struggled with their gender identity but don't want to mention it, to be on the defensive. I got in an argument awhile ago with a friend who said he was more "masculine" than I was, and realized just how touchy a subject this is for many gay folks. This same person told me later that he felt the need to "bro it up" with straight male friends, trying to be a better athlete than them, a fiercer competitor, more of a dude. For many gay men, the idea of appearing at all "feminine" is some kind of insult.

I have been tempted by this at times, too. And often I have found it easier to simply embrace the notions of masculine and male and gender at their face value, rather than to question them. It's not hard - I am attracted to men, especially the ones most people would identify as more "masculine." (Come to think, generally I am attracted to straight guys, but that's another story.) And I suppose that I like being a boy most of the time, and doing "guy stuff."

Deep down, though, I know that this is mostly bullshit. Most of what we think of as masculine and feminine, even male and female, is all a construction. I'm not saying it's an easy one to cast aside - in fact, the opposite is true - but I can see no evidence that most of our male/female standards are rooted in something biological, essential, or objective, rather than in culture, history, sexism, and fear.

Personally, when I have to identify with a gender, I feel a little piece of me slip away. I feel myself acquiring a lot of things that I am expected to be but am not, and losing a lot of things I want to hold on to but am told don't befit me. I feel myself silencing that part of my brain that I've always felt, since a young age, was somehow female. I like that little voice. She makes life interesting, and makes me who I am. And she's smarter than the male portion.

I'm not saying I'm a woman trapped in a man's body, or that my life is some kind of a gender-bender romcom. But maybe more of a gender blender - with a mix of traits and emotions and ideas that I don't feel add up to an easy catch-all identity like "male gender" or "female gender."

It would be a lot easier if we all fit into check boxes like that, call some things male and some female, some masculine and some feminine. But I'd rather wrestle with life and find my own answers. As Nietzsche said, "Isn't our need for knowledge precisely this need for the familiar, the will to uncover under everything strange, unusual, and questionable something that no longer disturbs us? Is it not the instinct of fear that bids us to know?" That's not the kind of knowledge I want.

And sure, Nietzche may have had a mental breakdown. But at least he was an interesting dude.