Wedding Woes

I’m a romantic at heart and love the idea of marriage. Lifelong companionship, gooey love poems, raising children, having a family are all dreams of mine. I think that even the mere existence of Proposition 8 is disgustingly inhumane and if I lived in California, I would be a screaming, in your face activist. But, I’ve also discovered something else about myself.

I hate weddings.

Almost everything about the ceremony squicks me out. The stifling formality. The white gown symbolizing virginity. The confining tuxes and ties. The hideous, sherbet orange or lime green bridesmaids dresses—as if they are cheesy backup singers for the bride. The expense—you could send a kid to college for a year or buy a car for the cost of wedding. The familial politics behind them (should we invite old drunk Uncle Buck? How about dad’s new wife?). Bridzillas and their be-pearled, equally monstrous mothers. The long, boring church services. About the only thing I like about weddings are the rehearsal dinners—which tend to be looser—and the cake, though, that’s often ruined by being wrapped in a rubber sheet of chemically sweet fondant.


Looking back at the weddings I’ve attended, I remember interminable services full of Biblical invective about Two Becoming One, and how to be single is to be incomplete. I remember nervous members of the bridal party, people popping Xanax, people with popping veins and meltdowns over little things. (“Those flowers are dark blue! I specifically asked for navy blue!”) As a gay guy, I’ve fielded my fair share of “when are you going to tie the knot” from clueless relatives. Oh, there’s always some drama and the receptions can be a blur of alcohol-fueled glory. But that’s not enough for me. My own family’s wedding had a curse—every wedding, one elderly member would fall or have a sudden attack—the Angel of Death with a frequent wedding crasher.

If I ever decide to marry the man I love–if he ever bothers to show up—count me in for eloping or one of those wedding moons. I’m starting a new movement—pro-marriage, anti-wedding.