HRC Dinner & Sick of Single
On Saturday I volunteered at the HRC National Dinner. From what I understand, it’s HRC’s biggest fundraising event of the year. As a volunteer, I spent the morning and afternoon helping to set up several hundred tables for the people who had shelled out several hundred dollars to attend. During the evening I helped greet guests, assisted bidders during a large live auction, and stood guard to make sure people didn’t get into the major donor area (drinks were free in there). I was also able to see the event’s big speaker, Suze Orman (the financial guru and lesbian). Overall I had a great time, and would certainly volunteer again next year.
I have to admit though, leaving the dinner, I was a bit depressed. Walking around throughout the evening, I saw hundreds of happy gay and lesbian couples. Men were holding hands, women were kissing, and partners were snuggling up and laughing together at their tables. This is all wonderful of course, but it served as an in-your-face reminder that I’m currently partner-less.
Since moving to DC in May, I’ve gone out on several dates, and have met all kinds of great people. But I haven’t met “the one” yet. I know I should be patient – hell, I just started coming out to people in January – but patience really isn’t something I’m good at. Whether we’re talking my personal or professional life, I know what I want, and I can’t stand waiting for it. In some ways this is a good thing. In my professional life, my lack of patience drives my ambition, but in my personal life, I sometimes think that I want too much too fast, and as a result, spend far too much time thinking about what I don’t have, instead of just having fun.
I’ve never been in a relationship with a man, and for whatever reason, when I did come out, I thought that finding someone I wanted to date would be relatively easy. Perhaps it’s a product of being in the closet – not being out yet, I was left to glorify what being out would be like, and as such, maybe my expectations for what being out would be like were a bit too high.
Putting aside my own issues for a moment, I think gay culture may also be worthy of some of the blame. While I have encountered a handful of couples in my age range (I’m 24), the overall mindset among my peers seems to be that dating is something for down the road – now is the time just to fuck around. While fucking around can certainly be fun, for me at least, it’s not really what I’m after. I want someone to sleep in with on weekends, someone to make dinner with, someone to go to the movies with… someone I care about, and someone who cares about me.
Reading this blog and others, I know that this problem is not unique to me. But for all the complaining people do (myself included), the number of people actually dating remains relatively small. Although far from an objective standard, among my straight friends, dating is far more common.
So what’s the deal my gay friends, why aren’t more of us dating?
P.S. Suze Orman gave a great speech. She talked about the need for gays to become financially powerful so that we don’t need to rely on anyone. In other words, if you’re financially secure, you don’t need to put up with any kind of homophobic crap at work – you can quit whenever you want. She also talked about using her wealth and celebrity to speak up for gays, and to fight for our right to marry. She was very passionate, got everyone one their feet, and ended by bringing her lover out on stage. Go Suze!
29 comments:
suze makes it sound like equal rights are metted out according to income. is this something we gays want to champion? i say no.
Huh, I never knew Suze was a Lesbiterian. That explains my puzzlement at her selection as speaker. Highly relevant as far as topics, but I couldn't see a relationship otherwise.
I also volunteered Saturday night, and all of the happy couples reminded me how single I am, too. I was complaining to a friend that my conclusion was that all lesbians are already coupled up, and she thoughtfully pointed out that no one goes to those things without a date, so of course everyone was half of a pair. Eh, it is some consolation.
Thanks Jon for that comment. I also am 24 and also feel the same way about dating. I think its partly from having parents in a 30+ marriage, but more importantly thinking that life is more about sex. And I don't think we are the only two guys who believe that, but the way gay bars/internet dating are set up, maybe it makes things that way?
I hope you discuss this perspective more, because I feel like we are amongst the few gay guys these days who believe in monogamy and actually working on a relationship, especially for our generation.
You're not alone in the way you feel, Lee. And it's not only in your generation that there is a dearth of guys interested in a relationship.
Dating in DC? Is it even possible? Oh, I can only hope...
I dislike HRC. Any organization that considers throwing an entire part of the community under the bus and sacrifice one group in the queer communities rights just to make gains for another, has no rights to be call a HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN.
Sylvia Rivera (Latino Trans Woman who was key in starting the stonewall riots) on the HRC -
" One of our main goals now is to destroy the Human Rights Campaign, because I’m tired of sitting on the back of the bumper. It’s not even the back of the bus anymore — it’s the back of the bumper. The bitch on wheels is back. "
If you think trans people, especially trans people who are within the queer community, are going to stop reminding you of the bigotry that exists within the queer community, and the damage that HRC has done, you are SORELY mistaken.
Things HRC MUST do to mend its problems with the Trans community-
1. Appologize for not only its actions with regards to ENDA, but its past actions with regards to trans individuals.
2. Solomize resigning.
3. Greater representation in the senior levels of the organization, and on the board, that represents the diversity of the trans community. Not just older and middle aged white trans women that have in of themselves become a stereotype of activists within community. Latino, black, Asian and mixed race trans masculine AND trans feminine folks, and especially ESPECIALLY trans people with gay, lesbian, and bisexual identities. Not just yes folks either, regular critics of the organization on their past regarding their resistance to gender identity and expression language in legislation. The only way to reform is bring in the people calling for reform and make them help change the organization. These changes especially need to be made in the policy formulation, research, and decision making part of the organization.
4. The resignation or even just a simple apology by ANYBODY who supporting the continued policy of oppression and bigotry within the group. If not they should be removed from the organization.
Trans men and Trans Women are sick and tired of the bumper and being under the bus. Until HRC REFORMS they should be REGULARLY criticized and do NOT deserve financial support or recognition of any time.
If you want to support a real queer organization that is supportive of the entire community...Task Force, PFLAG, Lambda, National Center for Lesbian Rights, or ANY organization within United ENDA is worthy. But the support of HRC is the support for the continued bigotry within the community of trans individuals, but also gender non-conforming queer individuals.
Until the organization at the very least apologizes and starts taking steps of acting like the civil rights and human rights organization it pretends to be. Until then, it deserves every bit of criticism that gets thrown at it. Until then, expect to hear continued, and vocal criticism of the organization.
You went to the HRC dinner and were depressed because the crowd was partnered? I went to the dinner last year and was depressed because the crowd was overwhelmingly male, overwhelmingly white, and entirely too eager to comment on my usage of the wrong fork for salad eating and the wrong glass for wine drinking. It was also depressing that the HRCs "advocacy" for trans people was terrible enough to inspure community protest.
As another relationship-oriented young gay male, I share your frustration with finding guys interested in dating. But honestly, if you felt otherwise comfortable with that dinner, you are likely to have certain advantages from the get-go, and five months of dating without finding "the one" doesn't mean you won't be one of those happily partnered HRC donors by the time you're buying your own tickets for the dinner.
Meeting the one happens more often when you are not looking for it. It's almost a quantum flux phenomenon, really. If you look for it, you won't see it or worse, you would actually cause it not to happen. It's just better to be zen about it, and if it happens it happens.
Hey, it's not always a bad call to attend something like this by yourself. When I went to my first HRC Gala, I didn't want to show up alone, and as such ended up being set up to attend with someone I'd never met. Cut to me babysitting the spoiled son of a German oil tycoon, who insulted my coworkers, got angry when I hissed at him to put out his cigarette in the ballroom of the Washington Hilton, and then passed out at the table about 45 minutes into the evening.
On the upside, we got a cute little picture of us taken on our way in the door that ended up in MW. I'm just glad there were no photographers waiting when I hauled his sloppy ass out of there at the end.
interesting. your post just gave me an idea for a possible tng-sponsored event...
i think most single folks here in dc would agree that dating is hard, especially if you're not just trying to get your junk wet. and i agree that sometimes it seems like everyone you see is partnered and that can get a little depressing. so... are we all above speed-dating or a singles mixer or something like that?
maybe those options are a little wonky (especially since tng + alcohol seems to be verboten lately), but i'm just trying to think of ways to get like-minded single folks to meet. i mean everybody needs a little (safe, regular, monogamous) lovin', right?
any thoughts?
Hey...has HRC changed its strategy to support the original ENDA that includes both sexual orientation and gender identity?
What? No?
Then don't support HRC until they do. There are so many better opportunities to volunteer your time and money for in the meantime.
Why is that the anonymous commenters are usually the most combative? Is anyone else as annoyed by anonymous comments as I am?
yep.
I'd go beat 'em up for you, but I don't know who they are.
I completely agree Julia with your friends comment. Our culture encourages coupling. Since 9/11, our generation seems to be coupling up younger and younger and eventhough we aren't afforded heteronormative benefits, it doesn't mean we aren't affected by society. Maybe if we looked inward instead of outward.. we would be happier :)
Thanks Jon and Julia for volunteering on Saturday night. I volunteered on the Dinner planning committee and I know—although I can't "officially" speak for the HRC or the planning cmte.—that the Dinner literally would not happen without the hard work of you two and the countless others that volunteered.
I agree, dating in DC is hard and you've captured the essence of my emotions and, it seems, quite a few others. I don't know why dating in DC is so rare, but I'm happy for things like Homo/Sonic, Saturgays in the Park, and other off-the-beaten-path events that seem like a good place to meet people.
Also, for anyone interested in seeing video of the Dinner, it will be posted on (shameless promotion) http://www.hrcnationaldinner.org in the next few days.
"Since 9/11, our generation seems to be coupling up younger and younger... even though we aren't afforded heteronormative benefits.." Really? What the fuck?
What does September 11, 2001, have to do with any of this?
I have to say though, in the end I support the right of Anonymous on these boards, and in society otherwise... even if it means the right to spout out some random, off handed, non-sequitur comment such as that.
I agreee that dating is awkward in D.C.
But I think it has to do with the history of our "community"--if it can be defined in such terms--much more than the actual goals of its individuals.
You'll always find exceptions to any norm you try to define or establish. So don't be discouraged Jon...
I support Rocky's idea of developing an event around a concept otherwise.
Maybe you should stop for a second and ponder. The simple fact that you've just come out doesn't make you a hot commodity. If anything those of us who remember (getting out the "when I was younger" stool) is that you aren't likely to be ready to be in a relationship.
Not that ever stops anyone...which is why first relationships have a chance of lasting something in the range of a salmon swimming upstream with a hydroelectric plant in the way.
Seriously though, you should give some thought to what you're offering. How out you are and how long are some pretty standard measuring sticks for people when they are dating. Are you out to your family, all your friends, at work etc. become questions many of us haven't given that much thought to in years because it has been years. This is especially true when the point at which people are coming out is no longer after college, or college, but high school. Lots of people do make a go of it coming into things later, but there's a lot of truth to the saying "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." If you actually believe in "the one" then he's not going to evaporate before you find each other.
I'm in a relationship right now(and a pretty decent one at that) but i've really been feeling nostalgic for the single life recently. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "the grass is always greener..."
Dating in DC is harsh, but going stag to the HRC dinner adds severity to your situation. Attending that dinner is a major check box for badge daters, and the couples are not afraid to throw it in your face.
Don't let that particular event get you down. Maybe volunteer for other, smaller organizations?
There's a lot more to being gay than the HRC Dinner. Try to get beyond the idea that this event, and those who attend, are the standards by which you should judge yourself. Many, many, many lesbians and gay men consider the whole thing irrelevant.
joaquin- hey! just wanted to respond real quick to the first part of your comment.
so... not that this makes me an expert or anything and i know i'm opening a big can of worms by taking it here, but i lived in nyc on 9/11 and, from my personal experiences at least, it was an event that caused a lot of folks my age (now in their mid-late 20s) to take stock and re-evaluate... well, everything, including their romantic lives. i was definitely one of those people that in the ensuing weeks found myself thrust into this heavy duty, ptsd-fueled, long term relationship, b/c it just felt like, hey you never know when you're number's up, so you might as well find someone you like and commit to being with them and loving them for as long as you've got left. i mean the two of us were 19-20 and having serious conversations about lifelong commitments and babies and whatnot. it was actually a bit of a phenomenon. a lot of trend pieces were written about it. and perhaps it was like this in dc? i admit i can't really speak to that.
of course, seven years removed, i'm on here talking about speed-dating, so it obviously didn't work out and i've learned that I don't need to be partnered just for the sake of being partnered. but i do get the idea that that the attacks caused a lot of younger folks to think differently about the benefits of long-term romantic entanglements, thus giving the impression that folks are coupling up at younger ages.
of course, that could all be bullshit. what do i know? i just wanted to flesh out anonymous' thoughts a little, just because a) i think they're partially valid and b) having been in the epicenter at 19, i've always found the rippling effects it's had on all the aspects of human society endlessly fascinating.
terribly off-topic i know, but i couldn't resist opening my big mouth. thanks for the support! we're definitely working on something cool for you guys. l8s!
Joaquin and Rocky, I feel Generation Y is more likely to want long-term relationships due to assimilation. Being gay does not have the stigma it did years ago. We still need plenty of progress to become equal including our trans- friends. I know hardcore republicans my age who do not give a rat's behind about homosexuality. The future leadership of our major opponents (e.g., evanglical [sp?] church groups) want to focus on other Christian causes.
Jon, dating is rough. Instead of searching for the one, you should orient your dating life as a learning experience.
- What worked and what didn't?
- Why did it not work?
- Would there be anything you would do differently?
I would also stress that no one will ever be everything you want and need. There are flaws in everyone. The question is are they deal breakers. I would list out what you want in a partner, and what deal breakers are. Use this as a guide when you date. Also, realize that your perspective and demands will change.
I have a feeling that you parting yourself out there. I would recommend broadening the venues: volunteer, get involved in other LGBT-friendly activities outside of the bars and internet.
I have been dating a guy for 2 years. I met him through my best gay guy friend at a party.
Dating is rough, and you have my empathy. I also want to say that just because you just came out does not mean you have nothing to bring to the table. If someone dismisses you, then don't waste your time on them.
Best of luck.
Hey, Jon:
I'd be interested in your thoughts on my post called Dating: Are You Ready.
In it, I discuss being emotionally available and hint on ways to meet like-minded people.
Rocky:
My original comment was too dismissive, and I appreciate you taking the time to flesh out the perspectives behind the thought, especially from someone close to those events and living in the immediacy of its unfolding consequences.
Being on the other side of the country at the time I experienced the surrealism bubble out through my television set--even reading back at my thoughts during that time—which caused me to grow increasingly frustrated at the interpretations mass media reduced it to. From its use as justification to clamp down on civil liberties and later transition into a market-beneficial war, my intrinsic reactions were to push out any further encroachment of its broad interpretations into my personal life.
Thinking further on it: I know John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus touched on aspects of the immediate effects on New Yorkers and your personal reality. I never meant to diminish the significance to you and others who suffered the consequence of those events.
Anonymous’ comment though were painted with too broad a brush (“our generation”) for me to easily accept into my personal choices and life.
I agree with BlueSeqPerl , and (I think) Jon’s own personal desires, that point toward my own 4 ½ year monogamous relationship as a product of a longer term re-assimilation of queer/gay and heteronormative life.
I think back to my parents and the dissonance/disruption in their relationship that at the time affected me during and my own childhood.
I have a strong personal feeling that any child/family I develop has to be in a stable environment—as stable any monogamy can produce, hetero or otherwise—and just want to preserve the justifications of my actions for that goal and not driven by a (I feel) media fueled tragedy I can never personally relate myself to due to the disingenuous interpretations of our mainstream media culture.
Again, thank you for those personal revelations. I think those sort of comments are necessary in an over generalized society; a current "society" that restricts the understandings, perspectives, and developments of its individual members.
Though you might not consider yourself an expert, I’d like to hear more of your take on “9/11” and your development as a queer person because of it.
Pulling out my “when I was younger” chair – ahem. I know this is long-winded and late-coming to this post; I simply couldn’t help myself. Most of what follows is based on a conversation I recently had with a younger friend of mine who is new to being out. While I am no expert on life or relationships (and no one is), I do have a decent cadre of experience that might be helpful so here goes.
The only way to figure out what you want in this life is to make mistakes. It’s how we learn. Don’t fall into the trap of attending events only to think you are the only one with no one. Realistically, half of those couples won’t even be together next year. So take all of it with a grain of salt. There will be times in your life that you will be in a relationship and times you won’t be. Lose the idea that success in life is predicated on being in a relationship because if you don’t, I guarantee life will weigh you down.
I personally believe it’s much better for you to have failed at a serious relationship (LTR, marriage or otherwise) because the learning that comes from it is priceless. You don’t know what you want when you are younger and are in the process of maturing. You don’t know what you want when you first come out so glomming on to a boyfriend is probably the last thing you need to do but really the only way to learn about relationships is to be in one so it is a rock/hard place situation. I am now a big believer in shopping around and while I won’t paraphrase that ole song, I have found it to be so very true. So take your time and meet guys and date different types of guys. There is no rush cupcake.
I have a couple of friends who took one step out of the closet (one in his 20s and the other in his early 40s) and 12-13 years later, they are still in the same relationship to this day. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, of course it isn’t, but what have these guys really learned about being gay, out and single and dating and leaving bad relationships, etc.?
My friends are now struggling with never having really lived their life on their own as out gay men. And the struggle is palpable. I used to envy them but at a closer look over these years as I have matured and gathered some life experience, uh, not so much any more. I had no idea how important it was to learn to be single, to be independent and to be comfortable with it. I had no idea that it indeed does take effort to be happy regardless of my relationship status. There is so much more to being gay when the only thing you really know about being gay is being in a relationship. The notion that I HAD to be with someone and I was no one without someone in my life was nothing but a pair of shackles. Essentially, I was in yet another friggin’ closet. So another coming out was in order, this time as a comfortable, adjusted, Cesar Milan-calm-assertive, happy and SINGLE gay man.
It was the best move I ever made. And the only way I got to this place was by making classic mistakes like having dumbass boyfriends and dating guys when I saw red flags the size of Jupiter. Other rookie mistakes I made included clinging on to my neediness and dating guys I had no business dating. The list goes on.
I think it’s important to balance being comfortable, happy and single with a healthy longing of wanting to be with someone. We all want to be with someone but I really do believe that I had to strike more of a balance within my own heart, mind and body and until I did, I damn sure wasn’t gonna be any use in a relationship. Once I found this balance and continue to learn from it, I found that I weather everything so much better. Dating became easier. I made better decisions especially when it came to dating and being in a relationship that is truly rewarding. All of this isn’t easy, not by any means, but I would not have gotten this far had I not made some mistakes along the way.
Some things I have learned and some of my friends have learned:
• Blueseqperl is right on the money. We all have non-negotiables. I’ve ignored deal breakers and paid oh so dearly for it. So if there are things in a guy that you simply don’t want to deal with, pay attention.
• Pay attention to red flags. I can’t really tell you how to do this because once you’ve missed red flags, you will know what I mean.
• Don’t think that gay relationships are like hetero relationships ‘cause I am here to tell you from experience that they ain’t. Not by a long shot. Assimilation and acceptance of gay couples is good but at the end of the day, you will be in a relationship with a man and it will be different.
• Be mindful of men who are irresponsible with money
• I know this may be obvious but stay away from guys who drink too much or do drugs.
• And last but not least, DATE A NICE GUY.
I will put my chair away and get moving here. I've rattled on far too long. So Jon keep doing what you are doing and don’t be in a rush. Take it all in and remember that you are also here to enjoy this life regardless of your relationship status. Be well!
ark, you are my hero. thank you for that great comment.
I happened onto this site because I was googling monogamy, gay, single, etc. I am 30, self aware, single, etc. I have stuck true to my value system (after figuring out what it is) and I have to believe that there are guys (in my case I just need ONE) that is real and wants a lifetime thing. Sometimes after living in Arkansas, New York, Florida, Texas, etc. I can lose heart, but I am complete in myself. Just sometimes, in the night, it gets lonely. I am sure everyone can relate. All the best to you and yours....
http://d-ash-beams-kaleidoscope-of-musings.blogspot.com/
Post a Comment