Don't Get Me Wrong

TNG reader Lance submitted this piece.

I wanted to kiss him the first time I saw him. Actually, not the first time; it was a few seconds after that. The first time I saw him I was slightly disappointed because he had gotten such good ratings on Rate My Professors. I had expected him to be like Brad Pitt—you know, older hot. And he is definitely older hot, not old hot, like George Clooney; if you dated George you’d have to figure you only have a few more good years with him. Hips don’t lie. But he was older hot, like a couple years past Jude Law but still in his prime. I walked in that first day and he smiled at me. His teeth were perfect, white and straight. I figured he was, too, but that didn’t matter to me. I just wanted to kiss him.

Older men can be socially taboo regardless of whether or not they are professors. I have a friend who is dating a guy who’s 38 and she didn’t tell her parents until a year later. She told them he was 30 and they thought that was old. I think after you get to 21—or a graceful level of maturity—whichever comes first, you are both pretty much on the same playing field. Unless it’s some creeper in a midlife crisis, then you could have a problem.

But hot professors, they have to be different, because they have students flirting with them all the time. It must get kind of routine. It’s like being a hot bartender. If you’re a hot bartender though, you have to make a choice: slutty or classy (although I dated a bartender once who was a third type—crazy).

It’s hard for me to meet gay guys as it is. Many gay men are closeted or only questioning their sexuality so you have to dance around the major issues and ask them questions like "Where do you get your haircut?" or "Do you like that new song by Leona Lewis?" Even then it’s hard to be completely sure. I had a friend who hooked up with a "questioning" guy once and after they were done, he punched my friend in the face. That’s the nice thing about professors; you never have to worry about the threat of physical violence.

I didn’t want to be just another of his admirers though. To that end I would answer questions in class, but only when I had something profound to say. At least my version of profound, which meant if he didn’t respond, I would have to beat myself up for the next 7 minutes because I thought it was. Then I had the dilemma of whether or not to speak again, because I might be able to redeem myself or I could dig my hole deeper. In the latter case, I would have to hide in that hole like a meerkat, just not all dirty. Most times though, he would laugh. In the way that he got my sense of humor and intelligence. I always liked that, and I wanted to text him and say "I’m smiling on the inside." But I don’t have his number, and he’d probably reply, "Who is this?"

One day I was on the way to my car and I saw him. He was sitting in his car, just staring ahead. I thought about walking by. I wanted to walk by and have him notice me. Maybe he would wave and I would smile. I decided I would go say, "Hi." I had had enough conversations with him in my head. If all else failed I would stare at him and give him the "I heart you" eyes. Not the "I love you" eyes. Those could wait.

I walked towards his car. It was slightly dirty from the salt on the roads. The back window was almost completely covered and I thought about writing, "I’m dirty" on it, but then I realized that might come off wrong. I knocked on his window and it took him a moment to recognize who I was; then he smiled and rolled it down.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi, how are you?"

"I’m good, just got done with class. And you?"

"Oh, I just got here. I was listening to my radio."

I didn’t have anything to say at that point and I realized none of the conversations I had in my head started this way. I didn’t want to talk about class either. I would feel like a groupie. If he was Brad Pitt, I was just that guy who worked on the lights. And now I see Brad at the Kraft Services table on set and all I could talk about was the movie. Brad didn’t want to talk about the movie. That’s all anyone can talk about with him. They didn’t want to get into his personal life and they didn’t have a clue who he really is, so they talk about the movie, and then he says, "Well I have to go work on my lines."

I was desperate.

"Can I join you?"

He looked at me kind of funny. Clearly he knew his lines.

"Sure."

I sat down in the passenger’s seat. It was comfortable in that surprisingly pleasing way. I wish that hadn’t been the case. It made me feel uneasy, like blowing your nose with one of those brown paper towels in the public restroom; it just didn’t feel right. I wanted to ask him one question after the other but I let him talk. He said he thought I was doing well in class. That I had impressed him with my project. I was glad that was the case because I had ditched all my friends just to spend the entire weekend working on it. I told him how I thought of professors as call girls. They have to teach anyone for a price. All of their acquired knowledge has to be turned over, day in and day out. Maybe they like doing it, but it is still theirs, and it is still kind of sacred and often goes unrewarded. I told him I would like it if professors could teach students how to love. Then they wouldn’t have to feel like prostitutes. He said he knew what I meant.

"Do you think you’ll ever get another job?" I asked.

"Maybe someday," he said. "I need the money right now though. I’m not sure what else I would do. What about you? What are your plans for the future?"

"I have a few things in mind. I guess I’m just waiting for the right thing to come along. You know?"

"I do."

"So do you have a girlfriend?" I asked.

"No, I don’t… Oh hold on, I want to turn this up. I love this Leona Lewis song."

I’m not sure what happened next. I was lost listening to the lyrics of Bleeding Love and melted into my seat as I watched the fireworks going off in my head. I did, for a second though, feel like Thelma and Louise in that car. Only if they were both men and gay, or at least questioning. I think Brad Pitt was in that.

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Jenny Block: The New Gay Interview

This interview was submitted by sometime TNG contributor Katie. Jenny Block will hold a free book reading Saturday at Georgetown University, followed by a PolyAfterParty at Be Bar.

Jenny Block, married and living in Dallas, TX with her husband, girlfriend, and daughter, writes about her experience with polaymory in Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage. Three years into her marriage Jenny discovered that she wanted to explore other relationships. She encouraged her husband to consider an open marriage, a decision that may have in fact saved their relationship. Jenny currently splits her time with her husband and live-in girlfriend. She previously taught composition at Virginia Commonwealth University, where she received her BA and MA in English.

Full interview below the fold.

The New Gay Katie: How did you come to write Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage? What was the writing process like for you?

Jenny Block: I had written an article about my marriage for Tango Magazine called "Portrait of an Open Marriage." Seal Press contacted me and asked me if I thought I had a book in me. Naturally I said yes. The process was tough. I wrote in fits and spurts. About four months into the process, I had a really bad case of writer’s block and I didn’t know how to break out of it. So, I was talking to my girlfriend about my dilemma and she said, "Well, what’s the book really about?" In that instant, the whole book manifested for me. I wrote down almost exactly what I told her and that became the prologue and the framework for the book. Then I just wrote, wrote, wrote.

TNG: How would you define polyamory? As compared to swinging?

JB: Polyamory means many loves. Generally, swinging is about sex alone. For my husband and I, polymaory is all about being open to love. It means we are open to change, open to new ways of seeing ourselves, of viewing sex, of defining marriage, and of being. We are open to outside partners. But more than anything we are open to ideas and to thinking about things and looking at the world in a new way instead of simply saying, "That’s the way it is. So, I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be" when it comes to love and sex and marriage and relationships.

TNG: What are some of common misconceptions people have about open marriages?

JB: Many people think non-monogamy is just about sex or about having one’s cake and eating it too, as it were. But non-monogamy can be about a lot of things. For some people it’s about love. For others, it's a life philosophy. But, ultimately, it’s about living honestly.

Many people think that being non-monogamous means being a bad parent, a bad person, a slut, a sex-addict, an immature person. The thought is if you’re not like everyone else you must be wrong or bad. Those things simply aren’t true, at least not for me.

TNG: When were you first aware that you wanted to explore a non-monogamous relationship with your husband?

JB: I had an affair three years into our marriage. For three years after that, I simply tried to keep my nose clean. But then I started to do some thinking about what I really wanted and some reading about love and marriage and relationships. It was then that I realized that there could be another truly viable way to live and that that way might be a better fit for me than traditional, heterosexual, monogamous marriage.

TNG: What is your current relationship with your husband and girlfriend? How do you decide to split your time? Does jealousy ever abound?

JB: I live in a house that I own with my husband. Most weeknights my girlfriend stays with us. We all hang out and have dinner. She and I generally spend the night in the guest room. On the weekends, my girlfriend and I tend to stay at her condo in the city. It gives us time alone together and him time alone—which he loves. We haven’t had to deal with jealousy honestly and I am very grateful for that. We all understand one another and we all are getting what we need. So it works for us.

TNG: What kind of responses have you gotten to the book?

JB: Mostly positive. I’ve gotten great reviews and lots of articles have been written about me and the book. I get tons of supportive and grateful emails. I also get a handful of nasty emails and I have received a few bad reviews. People get online and say less than nice things on their websites and blogs. But that’s the risk you take when you put your life out there, I suppose. And those people who are unkind are merely fearful. As hard as it is for me to remember sometimes, I know that their unkind words are not about me, they are about them.

TNG: You talk a lot about the marriage of your parents and their importance to you—how did your family react?

JB: They have all been great. All of them. They love us and they see how well it all works. It’s hard to argue with a happy family, especially when there are so many unhappy families around.

TNG: What suggestions do you have for couples considering open relationships?

JB: Be sure to talk openly and often before actually doing anything. Once you step out there, there’s no taking it back, so be sure to take baby steps and to discuss those steps as you go.

You can always slow down or even stop, but you can never go back. The key is this—communicate and remain flexible. You can’t predict the future. All you can do is live fully and intentionally. That’s what I work towards every day—being present, being honest, and being forgiving of myself and others. Relationships are never easy, open or otherwise. But when you invest yourself in them, they’re always worth it.

Free reading: Join Jenny Block for a conversation about non-monogamous relationship on Saturday, February 28th from 7 pm to 9 pm on the campus of Georgetown University (ICC 115). She will read from her memoir, Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage.

The PolyAfterParty: Come to be bar and meet Jenny Block on Saturday, February 28th. Enjoy entertainment and dance until you drop. This party benefits Women Empowered Against Violcence (WEAVE). Tickets are $10 at door; 18+ with ID. be bar—1318 9th St NW Washington, DC; doors open at 9 pm, DJ & entertainment from 10 pm to 2 am.

More about Jenny: Visit Jenny’s website at jennyonthepage.com

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HRC Dinner & Sick of Single

On Saturday I volunteered at the HRC National Dinner. From what I understand, it’s HRC’s biggest fundraising event of the year. As a volunteer, I spent the morning and afternoon helping to set up several hundred tables for the people who had shelled out several hundred dollars to attend. During the evening I helped greet guests, assisted bidders during a large live auction, and stood guard to make sure people didn’t get into the major donor area (drinks were free in there). I was also able to see the event’s big speaker, Suze Orman (the financial guru and lesbian). Overall I had a great time, and would certainly volunteer again next year.

I have to admit though, leaving the dinner, I was a bit depressed. Walking around throughout the evening, I saw hundreds of happy gay and lesbian couples. Men were holding hands, women were kissing, and partners were snuggling up and laughing together at their tables. This is all wonderful of course, but it served as an in-your-face reminder that I’m currently partner-less.

Since moving to DC in May, I’ve gone out on several dates, and have met all kinds of great people. But I haven’t met “the one” yet. I know I should be patient – hell, I just started coming out to people in January – but patience really isn’t something I’m good at. Whether we’re talking my personal or professional life, I know what I want, and I can’t stand waiting for it. In some ways this is a good thing. In my professional life, my lack of patience drives my ambition, but in my personal life, I sometimes think that I want too much too fast, and as a result, spend far too much time thinking about what I don’t have, instead of just having fun.

I’ve never been in a relationship with a man, and for whatever reason, when I did come out, I thought that finding someone I wanted to date would be relatively easy. Perhaps it’s a product of being in the closet – not being out yet, I was left to glorify what being out would be like, and as such, maybe my expectations for what being out would be like were a bit too high.

Putting aside my own issues for a moment, I think gay culture may also be worthy of some of the blame. While I have encountered a handful of couples in my age range (I’m 24), the overall mindset among my peers seems to be that dating is something for down the road – now is the time just to fuck around. While fucking around can certainly be fun, for me at least, it’s not really what I’m after. I want someone to sleep in with on weekends, someone to make dinner with, someone to go to the movies with… someone I care about, and someone who cares about me.

Reading this blog and others, I know that this problem is not unique to me. But for all the complaining people do (myself included), the number of people actually dating remains relatively small. Although far from an objective standard, among my straight friends, dating is far more common.

So what’s the deal my gay friends, why aren’t more of us dating?

P.S. Suze Orman gave a great speech. She talked about the need for gays to become financially powerful so that we don’t need to rely on anyone. In other words, if you’re financially secure, you don’t need to put up with any kind of homophobic crap at work – you can quit whenever you want. She also talked about using her wealth and celebrity to speak up for gays, and to fight for our right to marry. She was very passionate, got everyone one their feet, and ended by bringing her lover out on stage. Go Suze!

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On ICE

Submitted by Mark Shields, a local early thirty-something gay about town and occasional rabble rouser, this post examines choosing In Case of Emergency (ICE) contacts in an alternative society.

I’ve just been hit by a bus. True to form, I was jaywalking, and now I’m being pealed unceremoniously off of the pavement with broken bones and oozing vital fluids, and plopped on a gurney. As I continue to imagine this scenario, the most awkward and dreaded part is when the benevolent paramedic leans over me and asks “who is your In Case of Emergency person?”

As an urban gay, single now for the past few years, it’s not immediately clear to me who should be in charge of my person when calamity has befallen me. Recently, at brunch with a couple of friends who are getting married in Ptown in a few weeks (which adds a dull irritation to the discussion) I was told that it is now common practice for emergency personnel to look in the phone of an unconscious person for an ICE (In Case of Emergency) acronym to see if there’s a number. I’m not entirely sure if this is true or an urban myth, but it has made my cell phone into something of a Telltale Heart, each ring or vibration reminding me that this is one particular loop that I have not closed.

Like so many in DC, I’m not from the area. I moved here six summers ago for a job, leaving my family and a series of college and other old friends and myriad wonderful ICE candidates scattered throughout the Midwest. I’m not wild about having someone hundreds of miles away being the primary contact in an emergency room situation. To further complicate matters, my parents have divorced in the last few years, which means that even if I wanted to list one of them as my ICE contact, there is now an issue of inter-family politics to consider should I pick one of them over the other as the first call. My decision could and pointedly would be used against me in between courses at holiday dinners and family events.

In my time here in DC, I’ve been fortunate enough to make many dear friends and move between a few wonderful, but distinct, urban tribes. This poses awkwardness, as there are very few friends within these circles who transcend the different friend groups and would be ready to mobilize different people in the case of an emergency. It’s possible that I’m over thinking this, but I would like to avoid having well-intentioned friends notifying one another that I’ve become road kill by posting notices to each other on my Facebook wall.

There’s also the simple practical question that comes with being a gay man in my early thirties with friends largely of the same demographic. Hate crimes have been on the rise in DC of late, several of which occurred within blocks of my home – primarily at night when my brethren tend to be in varying and often diminished states of sobriety.

If at all possible, I would like to spare my friends and I the indignity of a next-morning phone call that begins, “Hey, sorry I missed your emergency call last night. I was at the men in underwear drink free at the Green Lantern and my phone was in my pants at the clothes check,” or some other variation of that sentence too numerable and absurd to imagine.

To be clear, this is not meant to be a poor-me complaint about being single. I’m quite content with my life as it is right now, and am sure that one of these days my prince will come and my ICE concerns will melt away.

However, this whole line of questioning has raised a distinct vulnerability that reminds me of being in the second grade on Parents Day at school – only neither of my parents were there because they both had to work. I have no problem talking with close friends about any number of intimate topics, but asking one of them to step up as a proxy parent or caregiver when the worst has happened is decidedly uncomfortable.

All hesitations aside, I’ve decided that by the end of the week I want to pull the trigger on the issue, officially designate my ICE, and move on, but I am curious how others in similar standing approach the issue.

How do you pick your ICE people? Are there suggestions for identifying criteria for your ICE? How do you go about asking someone to be your ICE without having it feel like you’re in the seventh grade, pimply-faced and awkward, asking someone to go steady with you?

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Too Picky: O RLY?

I like being single, this I admit. Mostly, I like it because I like having my options open and don't know if I trust myself to ever feel settled. Like most adults, however, I have my moments of singledom-weakness where I gush out to friends about how I worry that I will never find someone to be with, and that I will grow old sipping PBR alone and signing my name solo on jealousy-stuffed happy anniversary cards. Whenever I throw these pity parties, I almost always get the same response: "Stephanie, you could have a girlfriend; you’re just too picky!" Always, I disagree. While some people seem to relish in the accusation that they are "too picky," I take umbrage at this suggestion as it implies that I am somehow acting foolish. Yes, I am picky; however, I don’t think that I’m being too picky, nor do I think that being picky is some abnormal behavior that should be avoided.

If not somewhat choosy, what else would my quest for companionship look like? Am I supposed to open my arms to every podunk lesbot that walks past me on the sidewalk? Should I make room in my schedule for every lady sporting a faux-hawk and a leather cuff? If so, then, yes, I suppose I am too picky.

I see things differently, though. Just like straight people get to pick and choose from all the thousands of fish in the sea, I, too, should be allowed to shop around the fish market (no vag-pun intended). Just because a one-finned, three-eyed goldfish happens to be a lesbian and in my twenty mile radius doesn’t mean I should like her. I’d usually rather just swim alone. In fact, even if a pretty little lez-trout flutters on past, if we have nothing in common, I'm not going to be interested.

It’s kind of like how people are always telling me about their friend that they’d really like to hook me up with. The following is a dialogue that happens approximately once a month in my life:
Friend: I have this friend I really think you should meet.
Me: Oh, why? Is she funny? Is she cute? Does she like education? public policy? running? sneakers? Matchbox 20? Sparks? Amy's frozen breakfast burritos?
Friend: Hrm, I’m not sure what she's into – but she’s gay!

Oh, really? Because I know this guy that maybe you should date, too – you know that nice loudmouth on the corner; I'm not sure what he's into aside from street harassment and crack, but he always hollers at me on the sidewalk, so I know he likes girls. You like boys, right?

Point being: I am not going to be physically and/or emotionally attracted to about 85-90% of the lesbians I meet, just like straight folks aren't attracted to every member of the opposite sex they meet, or like gay men aren't attracted to every man they pass while walking down U Street.

At times, the fact that I stick to my guns on this issue can make for some lonely moments. Sure, I could possibly fix this by just going on dates with my friends' friends to give myself some short-lived dating validation. However, I honestly feel that I'm too busy to hassle with pointless crap dating; further, I believe that if I do ever stumble across a girl I really care for, the "wow, this is what I waited for" feeling will more than make up for the craptastic missed opportunities I failed to fill the gaps with.

Basically, I like to read non-fiction books; however, I would never just go into a bookstore and buy any random book in the non-fiction section. That doesn't make me an overly picky consumer does it? When it comes to dating, I don’t think I’m too picky. However, I guess if being too picky means having standards and preferences, despite being a lesbian - guilty as charged.

PSA: Coupled people, please, stop gratuitously telling your single friends that they are too picky. After all, it may be that you're just desperate.

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Dating: Are You Ready?

Last year, Ben provided us with his 10 rules of dating. He's gotten a lot of positive feedback on them, and I generally agree with all that he had to say. Ben's advice, however, only really provides advice for you while you're actually out there dating people. But lots of people don't quite know how to get there. It's my sense that a lot of people out there are trying to date but aren't quite ready for it. Below are my 5 tips for being prepared to be in a relationship.

1) Be Ready

We gays don't get the same socialization that the straights get. Because we're either closeted in high school, or the "only gay in the village" at the time, we don't get the emotional preparation for relationships that our counterparts get. In high school and some/all of college, we're in the closet and/or asexual. As we begin to figure stuff out, we proceed to make up for lost time, often hurting a lot of other people along the way. Let's face it: emotionally, we're 14 year-olds running around in the fully functional body of 20+ year-olds, with full access to alcohol and independent sources of income. What a recipe for disaster. No 14 year-olds are ready for long term relationships, that's for sure. Make sure you take the time to get all caught up and make up for all that lost time before you try to spend time with just one person. Don't apologize for not being emotionally prepared for monogamy/monotony. Just don't try for it if you're not ready.

2) Be Happy

In my view, there are three kinds of relationships, but only one kind is functional. Let's say you have person A and person B. If both A and B are happy in their lives and are finding that they know how to get their own needs met, then they are capable of having a successful and functional relationship. If neither A nor B are happy, then they are slated for a potentially successful yet dysfunctional (codependent) relationship, if the relationship can improve the well-being of both parties. If one person is happy and the other isn't, then the happy person will be carrying the other person's emotional baggage all the time, and that's a recipe for an unsuccessful dysfunctional relationship: definitely to be avoided.

The secret to being ready for a relationship is to lead a happy and successful life that is available to be shared with someone else. One shouldn't mope around expecting to find someone else to bring them happiness. Successful relationships only work well if both people are capable of being whole people on their own. The union that results will be even stronger.

3) Be Interested

Nobody likes a boring person. In order for someone to find you interesting, you should spend a lot of time finding out what makes you happy (see #2 above) and getting involved in those things. Be interested in something. People with few interests have very little to talk about with the people they're dating. How will you make it through dinner without something interesting to talk about? How will the other person see that you are prepared to commit yourself to working on the relationship if you don't have engaged relationships with other things you're interested in? Spend some time thinking about your interests and then develop them. You'll find that your dates will be more interested in you if you are interested in other things.

4) Be Active

The best way to meet people is to share common interests. Take those interests you've cultivated during #3 above and take them out on the street. Interested in art? Go to art openings. Want to give back to your community? Join a volunteering group. Like a particular sport? Find a group of people nearby that enjoy it too, and either watch or participate in that sport with them. It's much easier to know up front whether you have shared interests with someone when you're participating in cultivating those interests together. I definitely prefer that to playing 20 questions with someone you meet out at a bar. Especially if you end up buzzed after the first 10. Pursuing your interests outside of your apartment will provide you a lot more opportunity to run into other potential dates with whom you have things in common. You'll have a lot more luck if you spend your time doing things you're interested in instead of just looking for a boyfriend.

5) Be Present

Make sure you're engaged when interacting with people. If you're out and about and meet someone, give them your full attention. Don't let yourself get distracted by hot guys or cute dogs walking past. Make eye contact and hold it. This is especially important once you get to actually going on dates with someone. Wandering eyes send up big flags that, while you may be on a date with guy A, you'd rather be sleeping with guys B, C and D. Unless you've already established with your date that you're into group sex, this isn't very attractive.

A friend of mine told me recently that he needed to be prepared to be single and self-reliant for the rest of his life. I questioned him on this, and he replied that he felt that the dating "market" was slated against his favor (being that he's extremely intelligent, very eccentric, and south-Asian) so he was going to eschew the market all together and find ways to get all his needs met. I responded that he was throwing out the Rice Crispies because he hated Safeway, and that was just bullshit. The dating market is indeed very flawed, but it's my opinion that many of those flaws come from the fact that most single gay men out there aren't satisfying the five tips above before putting themselves out there. And in doing so, they're disappointing themselves and everyone else they try on for size. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Make sure you're not wearing dog-bone underpants before you walk out the door.

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Bed Death

The latest issue of MetroWeekly features a story on gay bed death. Most gay men and women who have been in a relationship of any considerable length understand the seriousness of this topic, because despite a high level of emotional connection and affection between couples, dealing with the issue of bed death is inevitable. Some scientists even go so far as to say that monogamy is a fantasy, and that humans aren't meant to maintain sexual consistency with one person.

I have a good sex life with my bf, and the lack of dysfunction and surplus of affection in our relationship is understandably disgusting to most of my friends, yet the monotony of daily life and patterned behaviors, and the memory of previous (less successful) relationships concern me. While my bed has yet to go cold, I know my own nature is no less human than anyone else, thus the sage words of comedian Chris Rock weigh heavily in my mind: “If you don’t keep it new, you’re through.”

How do you stave off human nature? The MW article says that while occasionally introducing a third-party, running fantasies through your head during sex, popping Viagra, or internalizing the issue may benefit couples to some degree, “quick fixes” will not increase intimacy or sexual activity.

The solutions provided include setting up a weekly “talk date” and being creative sexually—basically relying on the brain as the most important sex organ, but these solutions are general, not specific, thus I don't see how they would help anyone suffering from this problem. Perhaps TNG readers can help.

What do you do to keep intimacy hot and your sex life hotter? Let TNG know in the comment section. Our readers with cold beds are counting on you.

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