Ben for Prez: Various Cabinet Posts

I am running for President. Here are four more cabinet positions.

Corey
Secretary of State

It is with great humility and deep humbleness that I offer my name for the most pompous office in the land: Secretary of State.

Not only will I have less embarrassing shoes than Condi Rice, a less embarassing name than Colin Powell, and a less deceased quality than Madeline Albright - I will also be a MAVERICK. Since coming to Washington three years ago, I have mixed things up - I eat my salads with my dinner fork, and sometimes, I wear white after labor day. And that's the kind of mavericky marverickness I think people want to see in our government.

I also have a lot of foreign policy experience. In my picture you can see me not taking any shit from the Egyptians. I have been to seven Middle Eastern countries, which is way more than Sarah Palin, and unlike Joe Biden, I did not try to split any of them up. I also hail from the state of Connecticut, which borders on the ocean, which borders on Europe. So there's that. And I have a plan to save the United Nations: open a luxury mall in the basement. Seriously - since it's international territory, the gift shops are already tax free. You'd be able to save the New World Order while saving on your new jeans.

Finally, while I can fulfill the Secretary's duty of being pompous and Europeanish and fancy, I can also bring a folksy charm that will appeal to our constituency. I will wink my way out of showdowns with dictators, invite foreign leaders over for a Caribou Roast, and never, ever pronounce a "G" at the end of a word. I will also enroll in trade school; Joe the Plumber will be no match for Corey the Maverick Electrician.

In conclusion, I want to serve your administration as Secretary of State because of my dedication to the American people, my committment to your ideals, and my lack of qualifications to be VP or some other, better job.

Thank you,
Corey James Prachniak



Philip Clark
Secretary of Remembering Shit

At first, I thought, "Do I really want to be a member of a Carver administration?" Then, I thought, "Of course I do: power is power, after all."

So, seeing as how I write the history column for The New Gay, I've decided that I would make an extremely good Secretary of Remembering Shit. Someone might ask, "Do we really need to add a Secretary of Remembering Shit to the president's cabinet?" Of course we do! That way, if it is proposed that the United States enter into an armed conflict in a country that doesn't want it there, that has nothing to do with real U.S. interests, and that features citizens willing to die to defend their home from invaders, the Secretary of Remembering Shit could say, "Gosh, remember all that shit that happened in Vietnam in the 1960s and 1970s? Do we really want to repeat that?" The Secretary of Remembering Shit might have said yes to the war in Afghanistan, considering that the 9/11 attack on U.S. soil was actually masterminded by someone, you know, living there. The Secretary of Remembering Shit would have provided a voice of historical reason when it came to Iraq. The Secretary of Remembering Shit would also have said, "Remember how badly the veterans were treated when they returned from Vietnam? Let's not repeat that shit, either." Just a couple of examples, those.

As an historian, librarian, researcher, and writer, I think I'd make a mighty keen Secretary of Remembering Shit. So it is proposed, and it's up to Ben Carver to make it happen.

Philip Clark



Hugh McElroy
Secretary of Ambivalent Theology (or not)

Sign me up to be a cabinet secretary, say for the Department of Ambivalent Theology. I pledge to safeguard our national interests as they relate to the Either, the Or, and the Holy Both. I will tirelessly advocate for one or another of the monotheistic religions, or not. I'll promote atheism on Tuesdays, agnosticism on Saturdays. Polytheism, Monism, Deism, Gnosticism, and the Albigensian heresy will be taken up seasonally. My advisors will be Catholic Anarchists and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. And to the American people I say this: there has never been a more important time for us to be united as one nation, under a groove. Or not.

This of course presumes my own presidential bid as the nominee for the Garden Party fails...

Hugh McElroy



Crazy Asian Girl (Identity withheld due to government job)
Secretary of the Department of WTF (What the F***)

I will be the head of the Department of WTF, because every President needs to create dumb controversy that distracts the sheep masses from shit that really matters, which you would rather their dumb asses not pay attention to. Here are some of the initiatives I will undertake during my four years as your Secretary of WTF:

-Flavor Flav would be my Under Secretary. All members of Wu-Tang Clan, in honor of ODB, would be the Secretaries of Treasury. C.R.E.A.M., get da money. Dolla Dolla bill, y’all.

-I will move the White House to Las Vegas so we won't have to lie about what happens behind rested drapes.

-I will organize an annual National Book Burning of "Perks of Being a Wallflower," "Chicken Soup for the Soul", and anything "Harry Potter" related.

-Michael Phelps will be made to swim in a tank with dolphins for 30 hours per week as property of the National Aquarium in Baltimore.

-The national flavors will be a combination of curry and old bay.

-Most relations with China will need to be directed to Ben Carver. I cannot help you with the entire continent of Asia with exception of screening
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon on the Presidential lawn.

-I will revoke the smoking ban because everyone needs a cigarette after being blown in the bathroom at Union Station.

-Imagine waking up in the morning and getting eggs, hash browns, and pancakes handed to you the first time you open the door to go to law school, your full-time job, or lobbying. I can offer that for you.

"But you're not even gay," you might ponder. Who the fuck really cares? Look who's talking. Qualifications clearly do not matter in the land of opportunity. My grammar sucks. I don't have any formal education. However, I am friends with polar bears and understand the needs of Jose the Line Cook. Remember the time when Michael Corleone said he was ashamed that Fredo turned his back on his family? My family is America. I would never turn my back on the home of the brave or else I'd end up on a boat Hailing for Mary.

Things we all want:

More Money
More Hunnies
More Free Things

Who can get you there:

Me.

Simple, basic, economics: My upbringing on American soil included the famous proverb, "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, then it's meant to be." So please just let it all hang out. We'll see where this takes us all. Let me be the Connie Chung to your Maury Povich and also your Yoko Ono to your John Lennon; we ARE the Fathers of this nation and yes, we can all Imagine. Whether you are M4M, M4F, F4F, F4M or just strictly platonic, I am SWTF4HOTF. Secretary of WTF 4Home of The Free. Who cares if I'm the most disliked human being on planet earth? I can still run shit. Ask Kim Jong Il, he knows about it.

xoxo,
Crazy Asian Girl

Note from Ben: I know “Crazy Asian Girl,” and as balls-out nuts as she is, I’m nevertheless impressed, knowing that she wrote her platform in about two minutes.”