What Would Summer Do?

"What Would Summer Do?" is the new TNG advice column. Contact Summer Camp with your questions at wwsd@thenewgay.net.

Hello desperate readers!

This week, I received a very interesting email message. Instead of a plea for help, it simply said, “This made me think of you,” and included a Web link. I clicked the link, thinking that I’d see some trashy porn (because that’s what comes to my mind when I think of “yours truly”). Well, imagine my surprise when it revealed another advice column called, “Dear Miriam,” with an intriguing letter and response.

Here is the letter as it appeared in Miss Miriam’s column:

Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I found him in the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn’t find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him it had to stop or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I feel I can’t get through to him anymore. Please, can you help?

Mrs. B, Essex

This was Miriam’s astute response:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I must say that I admire Miriam’s advice. It sounds very thorough. Although I have no idea what she’s talking about, I liked her use of French words, i.e., debris (that is a fancy word for trash). I was intrigued by her reference to “jubilee clips,” they sound super fun. Maybe a jubilee clip is the new must-have fall fashion accessory? And I was impressed by her use of multi-syllable words. Miriam seems very smart, but somehow, she failed to answer Mrs. B’s plea for help about the drag queen husband?

Well, Mrs. B, I hope that you get the TNG in Essex, and that my advice will help you and your husband.

This is my advice to you…retract your ultimatum and allow your husband to become a professional drag queen.

First of all, Mr. B is out of work because he was made “redundant.” Well, if there is one thing the world needs more of, it’s drag queens. So he won’t have to worry about being made redundant.

Professional drag queens need to be able to put on make up quickly and efficiently. Your husband demonstrated his quick-change skills when he was able to get up from the TV and into full drag during the short time you drove only 100 yards. That’s very impressive!

Professional drag queens must also be able to think on their feet (or heels), delivering witty repartee (that’s French for jokes). Mr. B’s sly tongue delivered an ingenious reason for slipping into your lingerie instead of his own underwear. I mean, who would doubt such an airtight answer.

Lastly, he has a flair for the dramatic, a much needed trait to earn a buck or two as a drag queen. All that moaning and groaning about being depressed and worthless. All he needs is a dose of Lithium and a trip to the Mac counter and he’ll be feeling like a million dollars. (And you can drive him in your car that should be purring like a pussy now that Miriam helped you).

In the words of Aunt Ida in John Waters’ Female Trouble, “The world of a heterosexual is a sick and boring life.” I tend to agree. But if you and your husband can reach an agreement that allows him to parade around in heels and panties for money, you’ll be one step closer to an interesting and financially fulfilling life.

Good luck!

Summer Camp