Screen on The Green

Every summer HBO sponsors "Screen on The Green", a series of old films that are shown every monday on the national mall. The idea is to bring a blanket and a picnic basket and enjoy a classic film with your friends. This event is popular with the gays, but after 5 films over the last two years, I've learned that preparation determines the difference between enjoyment and festering agony.

Here are some helpful tips, and this year's schedule:

1) Be Early. If it's hot or the weather report calls for rain, you can probably find a decent spot if you're late. If not, be there at LEAST 90 minutes prior to the start of the film, or you're fucked (film supposedly starts at sundown, but usually begins 20-30 minutes after the exact time). Last year I saw "Casablanca", and was so far down the green that I couldn't see or hear the film. For much of the first 20 minutes, a constant wave of people walked back and forth on the path that cuts through the mall, obscuring the screen. After the first 20 minutes of the film I said screw it, rolled over, and took a nap.

2) Brace yourself for annoyance. People will clap and bark on cue like a team of retarded seals when a classic phrase is spoken, which is fine, but it's inevitable that you will be the unlucky bastard who sits next to the Virginian who doesn't realize they should'nt talk during the movie. Of course, you are well within your rights to clobber them with a flip flop, but it's better if you simply accept the worst before you arrive.

2) Bring alcohol. The man says don't, and I wouldn't want to get caught with it, but after sundown nobody will mess with you unless you wave the bottle around and act like an ass, in which case you deserve to get caught. These films are "classics", which is often code for "unwatchable". Alcohol makes them and the annoying fuckers sitting next to you more bearable.

4) HBO provides an intro to the movie that was commonly used on their network in the 80's. During this intro, it is tradition to jump up and wave your hands in the air. Some people do this because HBO once included shadow figures on television who did the same, but most participants join in just because it's fun and everybody else does it.

I'll probably be set up by 6:30, for Dr. No, so if you've met me and can spot me in the crowd, come by and say hello.

This Year's lineup:

July 14 - Dr. No (1962)

July 21 - The Candidate (1972)

July 28 - Arsenic and Old Lace(1944)

August 4 - The Apartment (1960)

August 11 - Superman (1978)