Morning Upper: Waterboarding

TNG Founder Ben submitted this piece.

Mornings suck. So every morning TNG brings you a fun video to ease the pain.

I know what you're thinking. Waterboarding for a morning upper? Well, that's what Zack wants to call the morning videos, so unless you're excited by the prospect of watching Christopher Hitchens drown (considering what an asshole he is, a good many of you, probably), just pretend that this is an upper. If you're not uppered enough, check out these excerpts from his book God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything. (Excerpt 1: Religion Poisons Everything; Excerpt 2: Was Muhammad Epileptic?; Excerpt 3: Mormonism: A Racket Becomes Religion.)

It's kind of interesting that he only lasts 15 seconds, yet he mentions at the end of the video that he later had nightmares about the process. I can't say I've ever been so scarred by such a brief experience, unless I count the time I woke up next to that Amish guy.

Nice to hear that we now have a government that defines waterboarding as torture. In my fantasy world where the American people consult me on how to deal with the Bush Administration's crimes, I would forego pointless commissions and hearings (that don't accomplish much) or legal action (which Obama won't allow) and offer all of them an easy out: five minutes of waterboarding (which they don't consider torture) in exchange for absolution. Of course, all of it would take place on Fox television in an American Idol format where average Americans can vote for their favorite penance. In the bread and circuses atmosphere of new-Rome, I bet it would be a ratings bonanza.