WWSD: "Number Two" for Two

"What Would Summer Do?" (WWSD) is an advice column for TNG readers published every other Wednesday.

In addition to sage advice from a gorgeous drag queen, each WWSD response includes an illustration created by TNG's Maggie.

Have a question for Summer Camp? Send it to her at wwsd@thenewgay.net.


Dear Summer,

I'm in a serious, long-term relationship. What is the protocol for going to the bathroom with the door open? I will pee in front of anyone, at any time, including my boyfriend. But when it comes to number two I keep it under lock and key. Am I being emotionally withdrawn, or simply appropriate?

Tenting In My Gym Shorts

Dear Tenting,

Thanks for your letter. I'm not going to address the fact that this topic has you "tenting" in your gym shorts. I'm not judging you, I'm just saying.

This is a delicate subject, and I'm sure you're not alone in your curiosity about proper partner poop protocol. Few people feel comfortable doing "Number Two" in front of their significant other, let alone talking about it. In fact, I'm sure many readers are wincing as they read these words. [Note to sensitive readers: Stop reading now, we're gonna get graphic!]

Feelings of embarrassment (funny how that word includes ass) caused by displays of our backdoor bodily functions are fairly universal. It was either Freud or my aunt Tina who said that fear of public pooping is related to the temporary loss of control. And our shame is compounded by social norms that discourage communal crapping. I remember the time I proudly showed my fifth grade teacher the Rorschach in my diaper. She slapped my face and called me "dirty." It's also possible that our shame could have more to do with the fact that dropping the kids off at the pool can be noisy, splashy, and smelly.

So What Would Summer Do?


I think you should pop the poop-cherry and take a dump with an open door. In fact, do it in front of your partner. Consider it an intimacy-building exercise. [Note: Readers who are in the just-dating or honeymoon phase should not attempt this. You should maintain the charade that you fart flowers for at least six months.]

If this is new territory, ease into it. Start with what I call a Mock-Poo™. This exercise is designed to help you get over yourselves. A Mock-Poo™ will be easier for the sit-to-pee readers who already feel comfortable sitting on the pot while their partner is present. If you're a stand-to-pee reader, you may experience a little discomfort at first.

A Mock-Poo™ is easy. You (i.e., The Pooper) sit idle on the toilet with cheek-to-porcelain contact. Your partner (i.e., The Witness) enters the bathroom and engages in a normal bathroom behavior (e.g., eyebrow plucking, mirror cleaning, bikini waxing, etc.). Remain seated for three minutes, then pantomime wiping your b-hole. It's okay. Both of you know that it's only a Mock-Poo™. Then flush and repeat. Try this exercise a few times. As you get more advanced, you can add sound effects and gestures. Eventually, you'll be ready for the real deal.

Years from now, when you reflect on your lives together, you'll laugh that you ever felt uneasy about emptying your bowels while your partner flosses his/her teeth. In fact, if you're still together many years from now, chances are you will have graduated to wiping each other.

Kudos you!
xoxo
Summer

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