Ben For President Campaign Gimmick: Hollywood the Street Vendor

I am running for President. I am also searching for a VP. I proudly announce "Hollywood the Street Vendor" as my official campaign gimmick.

Every campaign needs a gimmick, particularly if it’s losing. In addition to endless smear tactics, John McCain is basing his entire campaign around his gimmick: Joe the Plumber.

At this point, everyone knows Joe the Plumber, the man whose wealth will be shared by Barack Obama because his annual earnings put him among the top 5% of all Americans. At least, that’s the story. He’s been discredited as a liar who isn’t a plumber (contractor), doesn’t make over 250,000 a year (try 42,000), isn’t going to buy his boss’s business (which is only worth 100,000), and will in fact benefit more from Obama’s tax plan than John McCain’s plan. Oh, and his name isn't even Joe.

The truth hasn’t stopped McCain from using his gimmick as an empty symbol of everyman values and anti-communist sentiment. I look at this move like a dog that’s just been shown a card trick, because in light of the facts, none of it makes sense. Regardless, McCain’s supporters have rallied around their symbol, creating yard signs and videos proclaiming themselves “Sue the Teacher”, “Bob the Exterminator,” and “Dave the Cable TV Repairman,” etc., all ignorant of their complicity in both fraud and the American decline in critical thinking.

In the cynical infotainment spectacle of political campaigns, I think you deserve a gimmick that truly represents America, that’s why I’m offering “Hollywood the Street Vendor” as the official gimmick of my campaign. Many of you have seen Hollywood pulling his trinket filled cart through the streets of NW DC, and have no doubt enjoyed his presence. You may have even bought one of his American flags or plastic neon lights.

Unlike Joe the Plumber, Hollywood is the real deal. He is bona fide--an authentic personality who charts his own path and rejects mindless conformity. He embodies the bold individualism, personal integrity, and creativity that makes America great, and I’m happy to use him as the gimmick of my campaign.