Hookups: Harmless Fun?

This follow-up to Zack's Thoughts on Manhunt was submitted by Aidan, who has recently shared his opinions on The Superficial Victory in the Manhunt Crusade and Happiness and Gayness.

One paragraph that really stuck out at me from the Out Magazine piece on Manhunt was the following:

“To pretend that the choice to have immense numbers of sexual encounters with little or no emotional context is value-neutral -- long an article of faith of modern gay life -- is a mistake. Decoupling sex from emotion is a fool’s errand, and Manhunt seems to be the fullest expression of this project. It is hard to see how it could go any further.”

This is where the meat of the discussion lies. I'd like to start by saying that I think we often mistakenly throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to rejecting Judaeo-Christian morality. From what I gather, the overarching view in the gay community, the ethos of the Dan Savage mindset, is that pretty much any 18 year old consenting orifice is a good thing to stick your dick at, provided there's a condom on it.


Savage would likely plead that he advises readers to investigate whether their potential partners are dating/married, and what the understanding is about non-monogamy if this is the case. He also occasionally gives writers “permission to cheat.” While I find Dan Savage to be hilarious and witty, I often read his advice and am left with the distinct impression that he has some pretty effed up philosophical first principles (the most egregious example being his advice here to OBGYN).

What does a culture where promiscuity is seen as normal and healthy (just don't forget that latex!) provide us with? This, to me, is the question which the Out Magazine piece tries to answer, and it's not a pretty picture.

The reality of objectifying one another is something we just can't deny (maybe I'm generalizing, but I can't deny it personally speaking). Plenty of my friends have a tendency, when I chat with them online about a recent date, upon being asked questions such as “So how was his personality? What's he do for a living? Where'd he go to undergrad? Do you think you're compatible?” to respond to all these questions with a simple, thousand-word answer: a picture.

How hot he is? In many ways, that is the measure of our worth in the dating world. That ain't gonna change. I'm not preaching here; at gay venues when I meet guys, there is a certain implicit understanding about “league” - and whether or not we're in the same one. That's not a good thing, that's not a tendency within myself that I am proud of, but that's how the world is.

Although my first experience at a gay bar did teach me that this whole gay thing would in fact be much harder than I first thought, I did not fully internalize the lesson implicit in that experience. Despite my initial disillusionment, I had nonetheless discovered a very powerful medication for my insecurities.

With mere words I cannot do full justice to this medicine. At best, I hope that I can describe something close enough to the experiences of others that they will be able to recognize the feelings I am trying to describe.

I had discovered a cocaine for my ego. Certainly the raging hormones of a young man played a role, but I was learning that I could, for a short while, become a god on the floors of the local gay bar. Once the initial awkwardness and small talk following the exchange of “come fuck me eyes” in which we unambiguously indicated our mutual attraction were done with, my catch of the evening and I would soon be out there shakin' our groove thing. Dancing. So simple and innocent, right?

Yet in that act we were giving one another something far more precious. In our mutual desire and sexualization of each other, we would provide a foundation for us to climb Mount Olympus, to be divine and recognize divinity in the other. Never mind the copious release of dopamine that was certainly happening, this was the fulfillment of a need far deeper in the soul than anything biochemistry might enable.

We could reach out and worship that image of masculinity that the combination of genes and gym time had bestowed upon our bodies. And we could tell one another that yes, you are appreciated. You are worthwhile. You are fuckin' hot. I want you, and I want you to want me!

And yet, I have discovered that as powerful as these experiences may be, they do not fulfill the deepest longings of my heart, however much they may seem to do so on a Friday night when I'm bored, lonely, and really what's all the fuss about? And even if they were able to do so, wouldn't that be rather shitty? I am the first to recognize that the flower of my youth will eventually wilt, and conditioning myself to seek ego-strengthening messages based upon my looks is not something that is psychologically healthy in the long term.

No, what I ought to do is seek self acceptance and a healthy self esteem in those same places that my parents and society as a whole have taught me to from a young age: by using my gifts, talents, and aptitudes to be a person who increases the amount of goodness in the world. Such sentiments were certainly the source of my (generally healthy) sense of self worth before I decided to come out.

I cannot be told by another person that I am worthwhile and/or a positive force in the universe. I can delude myself into thinking that my appearance makes me that, but at the end of the day the responsibility for becoming these things and internalizing that reality rests at my own feet. And I know that in many ways I have utterly failed to become the kind of person that all the blessings of my particular lot in life may have allowed me to be, and that saddens me. Yet all I can do is recognize my deficits, know that they are deficits, and seek to repair them.

I know that many gay couples opt for emotional monogamy, sexual polyamory. But is this a good way to live one's life? Gross makes a point in the Out Magazine article that there is always someone out there who is younger, cuter, smarter, or richer than our current boyfriend. Is it a good thing to make it, communally-culturally speaking, acceptable to be seeking other sexual partners? I would argue that it's not.

My friend, who is a big fan of The Ethical Slut and all the enslavement to our genitalia which it advocates, disagrees with me here. “Aidan, your views are still too tainted by your puritanical upbringing! Get over it! Sex is just a lot of fun - no big deal here!”

And I have told him that even removing all questions of morality from the discussion, his lifestyle remains a rather dangerous one, and that an honest look at the empirical literature tells me he is rather likely to acquire HIV at some point. Condoms break sometimes, kiddos - particularly during anal sex.

Somehow he is able to dismiss all this with a huff and a “you're just being judgmental” puff. Look dude, I'm not judging you at all. In fact, I really like you quite a bit, and all I'm saying is that I find it sad as your friend that your behavior is, from an objective and medical standpoint, pretty damn imprudent.

In fact, a fear of being seen as judgmental has kept me from fully expressing my opinions to him about his sexual decisions. If I were to be completely honest, what I might say to him would be something like this:

“Look, X, first I want to make it clear that I am not judging you or in any way saying that I have the capacity to decide your moral culpability for any of your actions. I don't have access to the raw psychic material upon which you base your decisions. I hope our friendship is strong enough that you know I genuinely desire the good for you.

Having said that, I am not going to celebrate, in the name of being an accepting and non-judgmental friend, what I see as your decision to basically surrender any sort of self restraint in the sexual area. I'm not saying that I'm better than you because I haven't done that, but I do pity you because there are clearly elements of a psychopathology behind your compulsive sexual behavior. Common sense and mountains of research on stable, healthy romantic relationships tells me that the sort of advice contained in The Ethical Slut is just really stupid and selfish.

You are in fact in danger of contracting HIV because of your behavior; I believe you have a moral obligation to yourself and to your boyfriend to practice more self restraint. If you end up contracting HIV, suddenly your moral obligation to keep your zipper up will be exponentially increased. And frankly, I think that with some honest self reflection you might realize that in your loneliest, horniest moments you would not always have the courage to disclose your HIV status to your potential partners, which would be a grave moral failure on your part even if you always used a condom. The reason you would not have that courage is because you are giving in to an unhealthy sexual addiction, and you are not acquiring the self restraint required to do that kind of thing. Getting your orgasms would be more important to you.

Furthermore, I want to make it clear that HIV isn't the only or even the main thing I worry about here.

Seeking out tons of sexual partners, whether it is online (as is your preference) or in person, is just not the sort of activity that healthy, well-adjusted adults engage in; it's juvenile and selfish. Gay culture sends us powerful messages trying to convince us otherwise - but it's incorrect! You are fucking yourself up on a psychological level. Please see a sexual addiction specialist, because in reality you are not, as you claim to be, some sort of brave sexually liberated hero with all your transgressive, edgy, and hip ideas on this matter.”

Would I just be a closed-minded asshole if I were to say something like that to him? Maybe, but it's still true! He would probably just laugh at me and talk about how I'm still swallowing the kool-aid I was given as a child. “One day Aidan, you'll realize how silly and naive your ideas about sex are, and jump in the pool with the rest of us who are having tons of fun and getting lots of fulfillment out of all of this! My advice to you would be to do that while you're still young and attractive.”

I'm not holding my breath.