Bed Death
The latest issue of MetroWeekly features a story on gay bed death. Most gay men and women who have been in a relationship of any considerable length understand the seriousness of this topic, because despite a high level of emotional connection and affection between couples, dealing with the issue of bed death is inevitable. Some scientists even go so far as to say that monogamy is a fantasy, and that humans aren't meant to maintain sexual consistency with one person.
I have a good sex life with my bf, and the lack of dysfunction and surplus of affection in our relationship is understandably disgusting to most of my friends, yet the monotony of daily life and patterned behaviors, and the memory of previous (less successful) relationships concern me. While my bed has yet to go cold, I know my own nature is no less human than anyone else, thus the sage words of comedian Chris Rock weigh heavily in my mind: “If you don’t keep it new, you’re through.”
How do you stave off human nature? The MW article says that while occasionally introducing a third-party, running fantasies through your head during sex, popping Viagra, or internalizing the issue may benefit couples to some degree, “quick fixes” will not increase intimacy or sexual activity.
The solutions provided include setting up a weekly “talk date” and being creative sexually—basically relying on the brain as the most important sex organ, but these solutions are general, not specific, thus I don't see how they would help anyone suffering from this problem. Perhaps TNG readers can help.
What do you do to keep intimacy hot and your sex life hotter? Let TNG know in the comment section. Our readers with cold beds are counting on you.
5 comments:
I've found that threats, blackmail, and psychological warfare work particularly well, especially if used in tandem.
Then again, that's just me.
You wrote: "What do you do to keep intimacy hot and your sex life hotter?"
Why don't you just stop by and let me show you? J/k...
The shrink costs $180/hour for couples therapy to talk about your problems.
Isn't is cheaper and more fun to hire a massage therapist with a happy ending?
I get the impression most guys decide to get serious after just a few dates that went really well. Not sure that is a winning strategy for the long term.
Might be better if we took more time or had more opportunity to get to know each other better instead of (or before) basing important decisions on superficial criteria. Maybe then we would find those with whom we are sexually (and mentally) compatible. Then, maybe, sex would stay better longer or not fade at all. If indeed the brain is the biggest sex organ it might be a good idea to lay a strong foundation with some sustained mental foreplay.
Maybe the rate of bed death is in exact disproportion to the level of haste we impose on building relationships?
I think we have to reject the underlying premise of "Gay bed death" as valid. Why do so many people unquestionably and actively accept that (1) sexual intimacy must inevitably "die" and (2) they have little control over this outcome? I believe that sexual intimacy is the confluence of a variety of psychosocial and physiological factors.
I'd also agree with Ben43's suggestion that sustained mental foreplay should be an increasingly present component in the sex lives of monogamous couples that the solution doesn't end there...
Yes, as a practical fact, the regularity of daily monogamy contributes to a decrease in sexual intimacy. But "death"...please. Viagra and other temporary measures do little but address the symptoms, rather than the underlying problem. Previous psychological therapies such as "sensate focus" previously have, to a certain extent, aided couples experiencing sexual arousal disorder...but this reveals the fallacy of the "death" rhetoric. Namely, that revitalized sexual intimacy IS possible with concerted effort by both parties, that can stimulate and reinvigorate a monogamous couples sex lives.
Why? Because underlying the years of a couples desensitizing daily existence is a foundational and powerful attraction that needs only to be provoked and that is best accomplished by changing patterns that the mind/body have learned to adapt to which is the true source of sexual intimacy "death". Let's stop perpetuating these self-destructive scenarios and start to empower couples search for increased intimacy through an educated and well thought out plan to remedy a real but solvable problem.
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