Society and the Single Person
I am a very single person. I haven't been in a relationship in over two years, and I've only been in relationships a tiny fraction of my 24 years. This bothers me sometimes, like when I get asked (on what seems to be a daily basis) why I'm not dating anyone. The answer to that is really complicated, and is partly that I'm picky and partly that I don't open my heart to many people. I'm very independent and I like my alone time, but I'm getting bored with being single, especially because I don't exercise the rights that come with being single (the right to bed anyone, anytime, anywhere) all that often. Also I've realized that I want to have sex with the same person on a daily basis, which is something that just doesn't happen when you're single.
But besides the prospect of shagging every night (or morning), being in a relationship also comes with one more bit of territory: the ability to stay home and not be pathetic.
A friend and I were talking last night about another friend who just started dating a new guy. Besides the automatic person to go out to dinner or the movies with, having a signif means that you can stay home and rent a movie and suddenly it's like you did something really productive. If a single person stays home Friday nights to watch a movie, something is really, really wrong. At least in the eyes of everyone I talk to. I get asked all the time if I have crazy stories from nights out, and no one ever wants the answer that I stayed home making quiche and watching Bravo marathons.
"Having a boyfriend is like a get out of jail free card," my friend said. If I had a significant other, playing Scrabble becomes an alternative to a night out. Since I don't, I feel the need to go out often and drink too much so that my friends don't think I'm boring.
Now, I do like to go out sometimes, but I am looking forward to the day when I am no longer single and can stay in and be part of the barfy couple that everyone secretly hates they're so in love.
So couples? Stop trying to live vicariously through your single friends. And singles? you aren't the only one feeling like this. I'd suggest trying to start a singles club that doesn't involve going to bars and drinking, but I'm unable to get out of my pajamas and stop playing on the Internet. And right now that sounds better than leaving the house.
17 comments:
I feel you, Ms. Cavanaugh. I am in the opposite situation where I am in a relationship, but still go out and do my own thing with my friends.
Now, I don't ignore my boyfriend, and I don't fool around on the side. I am just an extrovert by nature, and do not do well with "two peas in a pod" model that society clings to so fiercely.
First thing, people ask [usually in alarm] is where my boyfriend is and does he approve of me being out without him.
No, people! I left him locked up with a dish of water and some Cheezits. Of course, he is fine with it.
Sorry for the rant, but people need to get their concepts of relationships out of Hollywood films.
I do have to agree with you that being lazy with my boyfriend is great.
~ Relationship Material and Social
Friday nights are strictly for Battlestar Galactica, Dr. Who, and Stargate on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Boyfriend or not.
If your friends have a problem with you staying home and enjoying a night to yourself (Friday or whenever), maybe you need some new friends? There are plenty of people who love going to stuff that doesn't involve bars, you just won’t meet them on a bar stool as often. When your friends love their nights in just as much as you do, you don’t have to explain when you’re not out bar hopping on a Friday night.
That’s not to say you need to only have homebody friends, but a good mix never hurt anybody. :) And whenever you feel like hanging out with both the Scrabble and the bar group, throw a party at Trusty’s… they have both! Although I think their Connect 4 board, sadly, has departed for the great big closet in the sky.
Oh, Amy, I would never criticize you for staying home on a Friday night and making quiche (only if you used a store-bought crust).
As someone who's husband is usually out five nights a week because of theater, I understand, on some level, the dichotomy of enjoying what I'm doing home by myself and feeling lonely and/or like a loser. Usually, though, even when I do bust out, I end up thinking, "I'd rather be home making a quiche and listening to opera."
This is interesting. I was in a relationship for a number of years and was told I was to be single by my ex-partner about 8 months ago. Navigating that downtime as a single person is an interesting endeavor. It takes a lot of confidence to be ok with having nothing to do. Sometimes sitting at home playing with the dog or going for a drive by myself is fun for me.
I say this: Do what you like. Especially after being in a relationship and then navigating single life after thinking i would never have to do it again, I learned that I rock...haha. and what I genuinely like to do is awesome! Otherwise I wouldn't do it. You don't have to think it is awesome. But, if you do, you are welcome to join me in my awesomeness. Until then, I am gonna keep on doing things that make me happy.
So, do whatever makes you happy and if someone wants to be a part of that, then if you like them enough, they are welcome to.
Good luck!
how would single people hook up with themselves without copious amounts of alone time?
my only problem is that it's lame to play jenga or mini table tennis with only person. thank god for bbc america and tivo.
solo jenga is a beautiful thing stephanie. as is solo lovin. i've always thought of both as being more cooperative than competitive, so you can use the time to hone your skills.
When I first moved back to DC in 2003, I spent far too many weekend nights at home alone with movies and bottles of wine. I hated going out alone and the friends I had here before I'd left had either moved or gotten on with their lives. I routinely spent both weekend nights sitting alone on the couch.
It's pretty fucking lonely.
But it's also restorative. It gives you the chance to rest up and get ready for the times you do go out and have fun.
Eventually, things picked up. Some old friends became more accessible and I made some new ones.
But Stephanie is right, how do you meet people to go out with or sleep with if you don't go out? How does one find someone to nest with if they're all at home nesting by themselves? It's a Catch 22.
But Amy, it sounds like you have friends and opportunities to go out but you choose not to. If that's the case, if you're staying home voluntarily when you could be doing other things, you gotta own it, girl. Tired of hanging out alone? Invite people over. Beer and a box of cupcakes can go a long way. Tell them to bring their PJs, too. ;-)
sleepover at amy's house!!! box of cupcakes. box of pink wine. that's summer man.
Wine spins in pjs is the way to this girls heart!
Anyone for a pillow fight or two?
Where do I sign up?
Oh, I've given up in being in a relationship, mostly because it's just not worth the effort of making myself presentable more than once a week. But I am curious about something...for those of you with "significant others," do you ever have times when you're out together, say at dinner or on a car trip, and you find you don't really have anything to say to each other? I find I have trouble making conversation with most people, even when we have a lot of common interests and know each other well.
OMG! i am in a long term relationship (4 years) and we live separately (and alone). We are both in a financial position where we can afford our separate living spaces and we enjoy our independence. We have many similar interests but many very different interests. We are also very busy with our work and outside interests. We often find ourselves in a position where there is significant silence.
I assumed all couples did this. Well, my friend and his boyfriend of about 1 1/2 years went on vacation and and when they returned, my friend said to me: well, it is weird getting use to the silence. Upon further questioning, I came to learn that until then they had never had pauses in conversation (and they lived together after 1 year of dating).
So, just because you have trouble making conversation or if you are like me and really don't feel like talking all the time, you may find someone for you.....
Silence is natural in a relationship and in life. Being comfortable with silent moments may require some adjusting on your part. Some people find silence uncomfortable.
I find silence moments with my boyfriend relaxing and romantic.
Anonymouses, thank you. ^_^ I actually don't mind silence at all, it's just that I feel the difference between "comfortable silence" and "awkward silence" (during which I think I'm boring him) quite keenly.
Being alone is okay. Especially when you've never dated anyone that you particularly liked, anyway. Friends, wine, gym, impulse purchases, half-frenzied weekend afternoon drives with windows down and speakers blaring...these things exist for a reason.
"But Stephanie is right, how do you meet people to go out with or sleep with if you don't go out? How does one find someone to nest with if they're all at home nesting by themselves? It's a Catch 22."
Is it creepy to find the prevailing thought of the last 6 months of my life summed up in 2 sentences in blog comments?
Anywho, you nailed it. My conundrum, my main issue...People always tell me that I won't meet someone that I really want to hang out with in a bar or a club, but if the people that I do need to meet are at home just like me...how do our paths cross?
C'est la vie, I suppose...
Jon, the answer is simple: Find other non-drinking activities that you are really into and do them. You'll inevitably meet others who share your interests, and they'll have friends with similar interests, too. Next thing you know, you'll be hosting a cocktail party for your Orchid club or something. If you don't have any interests that lend themselves to social activities, then go out and find some. Even reading a good book at a cafe can lead to a conversation and therefore a connection. If you want to get involved with TNG, you'll definitely meet new people.
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