A Letter to Fancy Jeans Guy

Dear fancy jeans guy,

Fads are supposed to have a shelf life. They are supposed to go away.

How far are you willing to take this?

I still see you on weekend evenings, on your way to a party or a gay bar. There aren’t nearly as many of your kind as there once were, but you and your dedicated tribe haven’t given up yet. You travel in a pack with other fancy jeans guys--embroidered, bleached, and bedazzled—a glittering social circus looking for a tent. I’m usually amazed by the cohesion of your group. It’s almost as if you share a brain. Do you try to out-fancy one another? Do you establish a leader? I’ve often tried to discern the alpha male among you. Perhaps he’s the one with the most rhinestones.

You may think otherwise, but I’m not writing you this letter to hate on you. I realize that fashion is intrinsic to pack behavior, so I’m empathetic. It’s particularly central in younger packs of unformed minds, as they tend to be more susceptible to intently marketed identities that can be taken right off the hanger. You slip on their image like a host that feeds on your insecurities, instructing you about what a desired man should look like. You probably never stood a chance.

We all wear the drag of our particular social group, and it’s easy to let it get out of hand, particularly in a community that excessively corresponds image with worth. I realize you’ve gone to great lengths for group status and acceptance, often spending upwards of $200 for a single pair of fancy jeans. On some level you probably feel you must wear this fad in order to be accepted. I imagine trying to be good enough must put you under a lot of pressure. I bet that sucks.

I also realize that few people have an understanding of the sizeable chasm between popular fashion and good design, and even less have an understanding that a design which has stood the test of time should not be screwed with unless it can be improved. Otherwise, it becomes just another fad others will laugh at in the near future. Don’t beat yourself up, though. You’ve been spoon fed the stereotype that gays are better dressed. This is a myth. More fashionable, maybe, but as your jeans will attest, better dressed is a stretch.

You’re probably mad at me for judging your choices, and by proxy, your identity. I suppose I would feel threatened as well. While you are certainly free to dress in whatever way you feel comfortable, please consider that jeans were created to be rugged. This was the original pragmatic intention of Levi Strauss. For generations jeans have served their purpose as the staple of utilitarian fashion, and they have served men and women well. You can wear them baggy or skin-tight, boot cut or flared, but to prostitute them with flashy decoupage, bizarre color patterns, cross-stitched frillery, and over-designed pockets is a bastardization of a time tested design, and an iconic ideal. If you really want to prove the veracity of the gay sartorial supremacy stereotype, recognize the importance of good design, and take off those ugly fucking jeans. You look ridiculous, and not in a green polyester slacks that I bought at Value Village for $5 but look fabulous sort of way.

A good rule of thumb: If you can't picture Steve McQueen wearing them, don't buy them.