Sexual Disorientation: The First Kiss Miss

Delve into the jungle of the newly out and single. TNG Managing Editor Corey discusses dating and sex - or lack thereof - every Wednesday morning in Sexual Disorientation.

I think I have gotten very good at the first 99% of a first date. It's in that last 1% that I generally screw up, thus preventing myself from getting many shots at second dates.

Standing there with a guy at the end of the night, I know that it's the moment of truth - either I will pull off getting that first kiss or I won't. And thus far I just can't seem to manage it.

I have come to realize that the situation is usually complicated by queer identity and the perception of gays in American society. How do you handle PDA, public displays of affection, in a largely homophobic world? How do you manage chemistry expectations that are often intertwined with notions of gender roles and sexual compatibility? And as same-sex couples don't fit the dating norms, if two men or two women go out and part ways with a wave and a smile, were they even on a date at all?

After months of dealing with these issues I came no closer to finding a solution, but I did begin to think that they may mean the difference between the "good night kiss" and "good night and no luck."

The first part of my problem, regarding PDA, is complicated by the fact that I live in Georgetown. In TV and film - which is where most of us first learn the norms of dating - people are always getting walked back to their apartments after that perfect date, where they ease into the kiss. Alas, none of them lived in the transportation black hole that is my little neighborhood. I'm always miles out of the way from whomever I'm going out with, and thus am never leaving men at my doorstep; I'm leaving them at a bus stop, the metro station, at a bar, in front of a restaurant, or on the street corner like a prostitute or t-shirt vendor.

The worst place I ever parted ways with a first date was on the corner of Wisconsin Avenue and M Street, after a great show and a nice dinner. A tip to readers: if you're ever on a date and you DON'T want any privacy, this is the best location in the District to bring your unspecial someone. It's hard enough to just stand at this intersection without getting plowed down by tourists and the Late Night Shots crowd, much less trying to manage any delicate physical contact.

And it was there on that corner that I realized gays were, in general, at a major disadvantage in sealing the deal for the first time. There have been several anti-gay hate crimes in Georgetown over the past few years, and they always occur - like most crimes - when people are by themselves. It seems to me the stupidest thing in the world to make a big gay scene on the street and then walk off, by yourself, into the dark. Of course it's a double-standard. Hetero couples can do a lot more than a quick kiss before anyone bothers to take notice. But for a gay couple, especially one about to end the night walking off in separate directions, letting others see your lips meet is a somewhat dangerous proposal.

The next facet of my first kiss dilemma has to do with the lack of strict roles each person in a gay relationship is meant to play. In a hetero relationship, the traditional expectation is that the man leads and the woman either consents or suggests she must be going. While it's a horrible, sexist idea of how the end of the night should be managed, there are days when I wish a similar structure existed for gay relationships.

That good night kiss moment is often the first one we have with a potential boyfriend or girlfriend in which the sexual chemistry is tested. Though I believe that the power of roles is limited, and that specific situations mean more, it is true that a certain kind of match is needed to make that first kiss line up. Two shy people might miss an opportunity, two aggressive people might struggle over power, and two indifferent people may break my first rule of dating and try to make something happen just for the hell of it, with no real interest or investment.

Over dinner at Ben's Chili Bowl last week, Zack suggested that I might need to ratchet up my ability to incite some action on dates given that I tended to be attracted to chill, shy guys. That's when I realized my primary role problem in these scenarios: I was good at turning up the heat and escalating romantic situations. I was not good at starting them. I always did fine once I was in the door, but getting there was challenging.

And this brings me to my last concern. In a heteronormative world in which gays aren't always comfortable kissing in public and in which the typical roles for dating don't apply, if the evening doesn't end with some kind of a romantic gesture who's to say it's a date at all? If a single man and woman going to dinner and a movie on a Saturday night, it's a date. But the same-sex couple is platonic until proven otherwise. As far as social norms are concerned, two women at dinner are only having a "girls' night out" until they start going at it, and two men at the movies only a bromance make. So although the challenges for gays getting to that first kiss are great, there is also a higher perceived need for it to happen.

Here's another tip, though: don't get swallowed up in the heteronormativity of the dating paradigm. This can go both ways. Sometimes we might feel pressured not to kiss in public to avoid scrutiny; we may feel pressured to keep our relationships totally closeted, and just cruise Craigslist for sex rather than face homophobic social rejection. On the other hand, we might also feel pressured to lock lips with someone just to prove to the world - and maybe ourselves - that what we went on was a date, even though it was outside of the social norm. And it can be tempting to long for the type of predetermined roles that characterize traditional hetero dating culture so that there would be less guesswork and room for error.

But we need to find our own ways forward. For me, it may mean being more creative about where I chose to say goodnight to my dates. It may also require either choosing more outgoing guys or - because the shy ones are just so cute - learning to be a little more forthcoming myself. Not that the bro hug, awkward handshake, or lonely wave goodbye don't have their place; but when the sparks are otherwise flying, I could stand to get a few more first kisses, and hopefully a few more second dates as a result.