Disrespect
My boyfriend is smokin’ hot. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but lately it has been a moderate source of annoyance. Whether he’s working a shift as a waiter, networking to get a post-college job in this brutal economy, or lounging at a party or a bar, men take an interest. A big one.
I’m not the jealous or prudish type, and I trust my boyfriend completely. When either of us gets outside attention, neither of us feels threatened because we are secure in our relationship to each other and we value our bond. The problem is that many could care less about that bond. I’ve seen men overtly lust after my boyfriend when I’m near, and when I’m not near, it’s as if I don’t exist. My bf makes it clear that he’s taken, but that doesn’t seem to matter much. Recently, one smitten high-level executive asked him to leave me and move to the West Coast to be his Executive Assistant, another offered him $25,000 to go home with him, and another obsessed guy (a mutual friend) even invited him out to dinner to pledge his love for him. These are the just the impressive ones. The ones that really annoy me are the guys I’ve seen around forever and still try to fuck him.
Gay relationships are more broad than their heterosexual counterparts and often allow for sexual flexibility, but it amazes me that not one of these men ever chose to politely ask if sex with him (or us) was a possibility considering the reality of our life together. I understand being a man with a sex drive, particularly one in our culture. I wouldn't feel slighted if someone inquired. What I don’t understand is disrespect. It's obvious these guys have no respect for me, my relationship, or themselves, but I guess it's just one more hurdle to add to my collection of relationship obstacles.
Do straight men deal with this as much as gay men? I'm not sure, but I take these things in stride. However, as they escalate I’m reconsidering my tactics. To this point I’ve kept my mouth shut and let my bf decide how he wants to handle these matters, but I wonder if I should occasionally step in and assert alpha status. I'm torn between my karmic awareness that actions beget similar actions and my pragmatic side that recognizes the need for setting boundaries that people respect (which often requires showing teeth). The mongoloid option ever present, I still attempt magnanimity, because the resultant drama seems to outweigh the benefits of catching people in a teachable moment.
I'm trying to be the good shepherd, but I'm keeping my options open.
21 comments:
the graphic you used makes it look like you're gonna beat up your bf so that other dudes don't think he's hot anymore.
Wait, so your boyfriend's hot? *eye roll*
i can feel somewhat sympathetic to the dude who felt he was in love. if you're in love with someone, sometimes you have to take the risk and lay it on the line, even if people (yourself included) might get hurt.
as far as the rest of the people go - which i'm guessing represents the vast majority - if you are willing to fuck up people's lives just to be fucked, you deserve that pimp hand in the picture.
Yes, Ben's boyfriend is hot. See for yourself. If you think Ben is tooting his own horn in this post, you're missing the point.
If it makes you feel any better, Ben, I would let you pay me $25,000 to visit (but not move to) the West Coast with you and your boyfriend so that you could both give me some executive assistance.
Well, I wasn't doubting that his boyfriend is hot. (Why would you date someone if you didn't find the guy to be hot?) Besides, I took it upon myself to look the guy up on Facebook. (Sorry, but pass.) Also, I think it's inappropriate to provide a direct link to the guy's picture in order to prove whatever point you're making, and on someone else's behalf no less.
The author comes across as cripplingly insecure, in the sense that he wants his boyfriend on a leash yet commands us to believe that his boyfriend is smoking hot. That's just weird.
Of course, the obvious solution is to date a cripple. Problem solved.
This essay and the subsequent comments are a great example of the kind of discussion I love seeing on The New Gay. The essayist (Ben) has one perspective, and commenters are engaged in a respectful discussion that is well reasoned, at times serious, and at times joking. Keep up the good work TNG writers and readers!
Toby, for what it's worth, the image was featured above-the-fold in a post Ben did last year about his BF being in Asia for months on end: http://www.thenewgay.net/2008/05/come-home-already.html. It's not like I just posted some random photo of him, though I guess I should have provided a link to the post instead of just the image...
I find it interesting that you maintain that Ben is the one with the problem, when it's obvious that people are disrespecting him and his relationship when they continue to make conscious advances towards his boyfriend. I didn't read any leashes or commands into this post.
Oh OK, I didn't realize the photo was from a previous post.
You know, in some ways, I get where Ben is coming from. My boyfriend is a bartender and he's hit on all the time. That's just the nature of the job. It bothered me at first, but now I couldn't care less because there's a certain amount of (twisted) pleasure to be derived from someone who wants something of mine that he can't have. Also, I get hit on too, as does Ben, I'm sure - it all equals out, to a degree. That's just my perspective.
As for the leashes and commands (how apropos, it's MAL Weekend!) I was merely reading between the lines, as I often do on this site, lol.
It's not insecure to want guys to stop hassling your boyfriend when he tells them he's not interested.
toby - would you think craig was hot if he gained 100 pounds and developed bacne?
@ parker - OMG, I seriously just laughed out loud.
Whenever I hear "pimp hand" I think of Brooke Shields:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2326/brooke-shields-in-playground-tales-from-brooke-shields
And I think straight men have to deal with this too, but it may be different because of the male/female gender dynamic involved.
It's not insecure to want guys to stop hassling your boyfriend when he tells them he's not interested.
Yes, it is.
People being disrespectful of Ben's relationship is the issue. Like your relationship isn't strong enough that your boyfriend won't hop into bed with the next hot guy who offers.
I think that there is a certain hands off mentality when straight relationships hit the engagement mark or if you are living together. There seems to be a commitment that is stronger than the next fight. Reading around it seems that gay men put a lot less importance on monogamy, there are non-monogamous couples and men are more likely to forgive infidelity. Gay men are more likely to have threesomes. It has been posited by more knowledgeable people than I that men have a greater disconnect between feelings and sex making multiple partners more acceptable behavior.
Ben's boyfriend is hot. (As far as I know) They aren't living together, the only real commitment option they have in DC. Gay men are more open to sexual experimentation.
Should he speak up? I would say ask the boyfriend. It the boyfriend doesn't mind then Ben can decide when to intervene in a handsy situation.
Good post, Ben. I'll try to hit on you and Craig equally in the future.
This seems part of a larger discussion regarding how gay men and women pattern relationships to begin with. Examples, assumptions, "role models," etc.
Only sticking point: mongoloid? A little non-kosher, no?
Steven, we'll have to agree to disagree. In my own experience, I find it very annoying when a guy will not take 'no' for an answer, and if my boyfriend agrees with me in that situation, I don't see how that makes him insecure. I can't say I'd be happy if he were so detached as to not care/be aware that I was being harassed.
It seems to me that women would have to deal with this sort of thing quite often as well. Perhaps not from other women (I wouldn't know) but from men who are either unable or unwilling to understand a polite, clear refusal.
I agree, Jason. I bristled at the word "mongoloid." I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that, but I'm assuming it had something to do with reverting to baser instincts and baring teeth. Perhaps "cro-magnon" would have been a better term.
Mongoloid means either people of East Asian origin, at best, or someone with Down Syndrome, at worst. Neither meaning seems to make sense here.
Hans, to the best of my understanding of lesbian relationships, they're just as vicious as gay men. They are just more subtle. Ladies, feel free to refute or confirm.
Hey, Ben,
Intersting post, and a topic that my hubby and I face at times. I do think it's kind of annoying that when I or said-hubby tells someone we're taken, it's as if we had just said, "So feel free to fuck me." Honestly, what's the deal with that?
A response I'd love to reply with in this situations: If you know someone isn't available, grow up and knock that shit off. It's not about you, and if you want to cultivate a friendship, do that with an honest intention of not making moves on the guy. If you're unable to do that, keep it movin'.
As for going all alpha, I would advise against it. I think the conversation about these issues with a partner is good, but getting all hierarchy creepy can be off-putting. You two are together because of your mutual agreement based in love - not because of some sense of ownership.
yes michael. it happens in queer womens relationships as well, but I would say it is more rare. if you are single, then those same type of women will not leave you alone.
::lobby's for the discontinuation of lesbian as an inclusive term::
but there is old saying, "wherever there is a hot queer woman there's a crazy one behind her." not very catchy, but it's serious with the orthodox lesbians. they will not hesitate to get in your face and mark their territory if you look at their mama. for this reason, when you say you have a girlfriend, people tend to walk away.
this however, does not account for the men who continuously hit on you after you tell them you are not interested.
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