The Dangers of Looking
Whether he's a confirmed bachelor or marriage material, a single gay man is almost always looking for another man. Whether he's looking for Mr. Right or Mr. "vgl muscular/masculine jock", actively looking or passively available, the one thing that's for sure is that once he's found it (or been found), he gets to stop looking. And what a relief. Being "on" all the time is exhausting. Constantly sizing up any man who has the slightest chance of attractiveness, even if neither of you are interested, is a fact of gay male life. And it's such a waste of time. Finally, once you've found what you're looking for, you can turn off the hyper-aware man-dar and focus on what you've found.
At least that's what I thought. At some point early on in our relationship, my boyfriend and I admitted to each other that (duh!) we found other men attractive. If you believe Sex and the City, such an admission from a guy to his girlfriend should be grounds for break-up. But hey, we're two adults who are honest with ourselves and one another, and not so deluded as to think that we should be the only person on the planet that our boyfriend finds attractive. But somehow, from this simple co-admission and mutual agreement, we are back to checking out other guys all the time. And boy are my eyes tired!
It's a simple biological fact that men hunt and women nest. Therefore, despite the fact that I'm in a solid relationship, I get a biological "get of of jail free" card for checking out other guys. And my boyfriend gets one, too. We started off doing it very passively, making off-handed comments about someone who we might have seen earlier in the day, or sharing our opinions on the attractiveness of a new mutual friend. A few months later, and we're both turning our heads when we pass a cute guy on the sidewalk, followed by a statement that "that guy was cute!" in stereo. What happened to us?
Maybe it's because my boyfriend and I were friends for at least two months before we started dating, and we got into a habit during that time of sharing our opinions about different guys we were into. Or perhaps it's only natural that, since we can both find the same person attractive, checking out guys is yet another shared activity we can enjoy together, like two cheetahs out on the hunt. Either way, I can't tell if I'm happy about the situation. As I stated earlier, looking for potential mates takes up a lot of emotional energy. Why would I continue to do it once I've found that mate?
I'd hate to think that 40 years from now, we'll be walking down the street arm-in-arm on our way to an art opening or a rock show for the geriatric set and we'll be losing our dentures every time an attractive younger man walks by. Especially since, at that age, nearly every man that walks by will be younger and, by comparison, attractive. We'd never get anywhere fast. But when and where do we draw the line? When does a young-adult gay male couple stop having fun looking at the men on the street? When does this young couple having fun checking out guys turn into an old lecherous couple leering at any fresh piece of meat that strolls past?
How does this play out with the ladies? Do queer ladies see other ladies as competitors rather than objects of fun flirtation? Does the hunt/nest metaphor extend to this situation, too, where a male couple can hunt together while the females in a couple try to keep one another in the nest?
At least that's what I thought. At some point early on in our relationship, my boyfriend and I admitted to each other that (duh!) we found other men attractive. If you believe Sex and the City, such an admission from a guy to his girlfriend should be grounds for break-up. But hey, we're two adults who are honest with ourselves and one another, and not so deluded as to think that we should be the only person on the planet that our boyfriend finds attractive. But somehow, from this simple co-admission and mutual agreement, we are back to checking out other guys all the time. And boy are my eyes tired!
It's a simple biological fact that men hunt and women nest. Therefore, despite the fact that I'm in a solid relationship, I get a biological "get of of jail free" card for checking out other guys. And my boyfriend gets one, too. We started off doing it very passively, making off-handed comments about someone who we might have seen earlier in the day, or sharing our opinions on the attractiveness of a new mutual friend. A few months later, and we're both turning our heads when we pass a cute guy on the sidewalk, followed by a statement that "that guy was cute!" in stereo. What happened to us?
Maybe it's because my boyfriend and I were friends for at least two months before we started dating, and we got into a habit during that time of sharing our opinions about different guys we were into. Or perhaps it's only natural that, since we can both find the same person attractive, checking out guys is yet another shared activity we can enjoy together, like two cheetahs out on the hunt. Either way, I can't tell if I'm happy about the situation. As I stated earlier, looking for potential mates takes up a lot of emotional energy. Why would I continue to do it once I've found that mate?
I'd hate to think that 40 years from now, we'll be walking down the street arm-in-arm on our way to an art opening or a rock show for the geriatric set and we'll be losing our dentures every time an attractive younger man walks by. Especially since, at that age, nearly every man that walks by will be younger and, by comparison, attractive. We'd never get anywhere fast. But when and where do we draw the line? When does a young-adult gay male couple stop having fun looking at the men on the street? When does this young couple having fun checking out guys turn into an old lecherous couple leering at any fresh piece of meat that strolls past?
How does this play out with the ladies? Do queer ladies see other ladies as competitors rather than objects of fun flirtation? Does the hunt/nest metaphor extend to this situation, too, where a male couple can hunt together while the females in a couple try to keep one another in the nest?
6 comments:
My BF and I also had a similar chat early in our relationship about the fact we were attracted to other men (gasp!) and I think it's done a lot to open our lines of communication. Thankfully [thusfar] it hasn't caused unhappiness although I hear you about wondering how that might change as we age. I figure there will likely be a point at which we view ourselves as a bit lecherous and it may be a hard habit to give up. But I know we're self-reflective to know when that time has come for us. You seem to be the same way too.
One point though... as I age I tend to find younger men less and less attractive so I don't know if it will inevitably turn into old men slobbering over the new twink on the block.
All I can say, as one half of another happily co-habitated young gay couple, is that you're spot-on. Shortly after becoming official boyfriends a couple years ago, it became pretty darned obvious that we were still attracted to other men.
We've developed a little back-n-forth game of checking out guys we pass on the street, and discovered that we have different "types" of guys we find attractive. Which is funny, because we don't fit into each other's "type" on the surface. So, in a way, joking about our roaming eyes ended up confirming for us that we see something deeper in each other (even though he is a total cutie).
Now, as for the age thing.. I don't know if it's so much age as behavior that matters. I've met some older gay couples that seem very charming, leading me to think, "I hope we end up like that some day.." And I don't really mind their attention or even giving a little hug now 'n then.
But, then again, I've seen a lot of older gay couples that just creep me the F out. And they know who they are.
Let's resolve, as a generation of "new gays" to find a way to age a little more gracefully than many our fearless forefathers.
MTP,
Your comments come off very ageist. I realize this may be weird coming from me who has accused of being racist and sexist. There are plenty of normal older gay men, who can be cordial with the younger generation. I know several older gays who are not interested in us younger guys. They think we are cute, but lack the experience they want.
On the other side spectrum, there are the really creepy old dudes who cannot take a hint. But there are plenty of creepy young guys.
Agreed BSQ. I've been approached by younger couples just as much as older ones. Most older gays, coupled or not, are usually polite about it. Younger lecherous couples are grossly aggressive and act as though you're supposed to be impressed that they think you're cute. Not cool.
Agreed again BSQ. Resolutions by the younger generation inevitably fizzle out, from self-righteousness to inevitable accommodation.
Personally I've never cared one whit for anyone younger than me in this country: too young, too foolish and too arrogant. Maybe that will change, but I don't invite it. Besides the young act like they're owed something, an attitude that tends to burn people fast.
Great comments - but I think part of the piece missing here is the motivation about what prompts the behavior. Does it bring the couple closer or is an attempt to ignore a deeper level of misalignment in their relationship. I've been in relationships where the emphasis was on the need to stray, to be free, to be unrestricted as a way of demonstrating some deeper level of connection "if you give me freedom then I will feel more trusted and love you more" was the sick twisted rationale given. I think that men are naturally curious but there is also something to be said for contentment in a relationship, that emotional, physical and spiritual attunement that keeps one's eyes from straying. Being in love with someone doesn't mean they become your only focus or your whole world - but when you are in love and have attunement then a lot of things you pass on the street won't catch your attention quite so quickly or easily. Aspiring to have that kind of fulfillment in your intimate relationship isn't a bad thing - its a beautiful thing.
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