The recent discussion on TNG about alternative events really got me thinking. We started doing our Solly's mixers because we thought we could give queers in DC a chance to get out of the normal gathering spaces and meet somewhere new. We hoped that the new venue and a diverse mix of people would provide people with an opportunity to make genuine connections with one another. Those mixers have been quite successful (see you on Thursday?), and we've even invaded the Black Cat a few times to add dancing to the mix. But some wanted more. Many people posted comments complaining that we should gather outside of bars as well, so we set up a one time meet-up in a park, created an email list where readers can form groups to participate in interesting activities, and even began a search for an event organizer. (We're still looking.)
Despite the success of all these events, we are not immune from criticism. We aren't doing enough, the critics say. The events we organize aren't different enough to really challenge attendees, pull them from their comfort zones, and allow (force?) them to have genuine interactions with other people. But how far must we go? 3 AM Come As You Are parties? Weekend trips to the arctic? No matter what sort of event we plan, no matter how different or challenging it is, its success is entirely dependent on one thing: You.
This site and our events are for people who honestly want to see change in our world. They want deeper connections to other people, to themselves, and the greater community. They want to rub elbows with people from whom they can learn something. If you aren't interested in this, if you're only looking to TNG to help you get laid, then perhaps it's time to reevaluate your interest in TNG and our events. (Getting laid should be one of the happy side-effects of your involvement.)
But let's say that you are interested, but you just don't know how to go about being comfortable in such new environments: You show up to a TNG party with some friends, hear unfamiliar music and are surrounded by unrecognized faces. It's so easy to just huddle together with your pals, down a few drinks, and leave with the impression that TNG parties are just the same as other gay spaces: nothing special.
It would be very easy to walk away with such an impression, actually. But what you might not realize is that many of those unrecognized faces chatting amongst themselves were at one time unfamiliar to each other. They may be smiling at one another or kiss-hello-ing now, but a few months ago many of these people didn't know each other either. But they went out on a limb and had a few conversations with strangers. And now, at least once per month, they have a little bit of community to look forward to.
A friend of mine met a cute guy at the first Solly's party, and they've been dating ever since. A Solly's-party girl-crush resulted in a big, lesbian, Homo/Sonic-stage make-out session. Another friend of mine met his fag-hag at one of our mixers. I have personally met a lot of people, many of whom I consider good friends, through our events. Connections get made. If you aren't connecting at TNG events, there are a few things you can do:
- Come early: The Solly's parties start at 8 PM but don't fill up until around 10. If you're in the first wave of arrivals, you'll be greeted by one or more TNG staff members and we'll introduce you to other people who we know there. We'll probably talk with you for a while, too, and we'll most likely remember your name by the end of the night.
- Be brave: It's hard to open yourself up to potential criticism. We've all probably been on the hurtful end of some critique at some point in our lives. But you have to be a little brave and go out on a limb in order to make a connection. Alcohol (liquid courage) helps, but it's not essential.
- Be open-minded: Don't size up every fellow party-goer as a potential sexual partner (PSP), and don't assume that everyone is evaluating you as a PSP either. (This might be the most important part!) It's not often that gay men (and lesbians?) are willing or interested in having conversations at bars with people they wouldn't sleep with. Get over it. You can learn something about the world (or better yet, yourself) from nearly any and every interpersonal interaction. Gay guys, talk to the ladies! Ladies, to the men! Don't judge someone because they appear as if they weren't born with the gender that they're currently expressing. See the humanity in the people around you, and understand that we've all experienced something in common: the pain and frustration of being born queer into a heteronormative culture.
- Come prepared: Be ready to talk about things with people: topics that interest you. If nothing else, review some of the most commented recent posts and come prepared to share your opinion on them. It's pretty easy.
- Be realistic: You won't meet your new best friend at a TNG party. At least not at the first one. Or maybe you will. But don't walk out of one of our events feeling like you blew it because you didn't meet anyone you want to form any kind of relationship with. These things take time. Be realistic and don't rush things.
TNG, the site and the events, are about making new, authentic connections within the queer community. Please attend our parties and events with open minds and see what can happen. See you on Thursday!
10 comments:
I saw a buncha New Gays at DC9 on Sunday night, but I have to flee from Taint when the upstairs gets too packed. I honestly start to freak out with that low claustrophobia-inducing ceiling. And the floor shudders, that scares me.
The cupcake idea is genius. At the very least it appeals to our inner Homer Simpsons.
You are always going to have critics...People are always going to have some comment about how it could have been better attended, more fun, or more challenging. It's in people's nature.
All you can hope for is events that get people together, that make them want to hang out with someone new, and get people to expand their social circles and awareness.
I will be there Thursday.
I apologize for having been critical in the past. I again want to say thanks for Saturday's P Street Beach event. It was a lot of fun, and amazing in that it was simple but effective. And I will plan to be at Solly's this week, too.
Michael-I hope you werent reading my post about the P St beach event as criticsm of your social organizing skills. I think it was a great idea. I was just hoping to challenge people (and myself) to think more critically about what exactly we mean when we say that we want to make "connections" with other people. Its easy to go to these things, meet some cool people, and never interact again until the next bar/event encounter. That might be ok, too, if thats what your looking to do, but I find that its hard to feel satisfied when I'm not really sure what I went there looking for in the first place...
I would add that if you see someone who shows up alone and appears to know no one it's a good thing to go over and briefly say hello. You don't have to become best friends or talk all night, just say hello. This would really be a change from the average bar scene.
I remember being at Solly's one night alone. Two women came up and said hello and talked with me briefly. They were great and I felt much more comfortable after that small but important gesture. They made me laugh and, more importantly, they made me feel part of this community we're trying to build.
The best way to meet new people or encourage the shy folks to get involved is to force them to! (I would know as I am one of them)
One idea is an adaptation of speed dating, but for speed meeting. This would work well with TNG events that mix gender and sexuality.
Or we could have a more informal version of "speed meeting." I once took a class teaching students how to network. As we entered the room, we made name tags (similar to TNG parties) and were handed a card. The card had a word on it such as cat, boy, left, hot, etc. The students were told to walk around, introduce oneself, talk and eventually find your opposite (i.e. dog, girl, right, cold, etc.). It works best when people do not advertise their card, but hide it in their pocket. This is great because it breaks up the pre-existing groups and forces people to interact with everyone. After everybody has found their partner, they can either play games, continue with group activities...or just drink.
Anyway, it's a great icebreaker that can be pretty fun! I encourage TNG to consider something like this at one of their future parties/events.
I like the speed meeting idea!
I really like Eric's idea with the cards. It's like a scavenger hunt where the real reward is meeting people you might not otherwise.
FYI: The DC Preservation League and DC Modern host architectural walking tours of significant neighborhoods. They have scheduled a mid-century modern tour of southwest.
Check it out:
http://www.dcpreservation.org/index.html
Reminder: Please send emails about interesting events that could be shared with other TNG readers to the TNG Meet-up google group. Read more here:
http://www.thenewgay.net/2008/10/organizing-tng-meet-ups.html
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