Things Sarah Palin and my Cat Have in Common

Sarah Palin's personal experiences are all fun and glamorous when you read about them in Vogue. It seems to me that a heightened personal story can outshine someone's qualifications. This is why I am campaigning for my cat, Moses, to replace Sarah Palin as VP. Please consider Moses in your political discussions:


Moses the cat is pro-life:

While watching Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann on MSNBC, Moses seemed displeased by the program, and acted out by jumping on my face and eating my hair. To cease this protest, I sprayed Moses with a water gun. This experience was like a reverse microcosm of the civil rights movement. I got off the couch, gathered myself and got a drink of water from the kitchen. When I returned, I saw Moses laying on the remote control. I looked up at the t.v., only to see that the infamous Lifetime television movie "Fifteen and Pregnant," featuring Kirsten Dunst, displayed on the screen. Moses wouldn't let me grab the remote without feverishly nipping at my hand. Clearly, he has what is takes to be VP.

Moses the cat has more experience hunting and fishing:

While finishing up some work at home, I saw Moses the cat sitting and scratching on the window ledge. What was strange is that he didn't stop…for two hours. Finally, I went over to see if anything was wrong. There it was. A small dead bird inside the window ledge. Moses was scratching its body, and looking up as if he were proud of his prey. I know what you're thinking, but Moses isn't even an outdoor cat. Still, he instinctively knew the methods of random bird hunting. Clearly, Moses has what is takes to be VP.

Moses the cat has helped birth 25 children/baby kittens, and only tried to eat one of them:

Sure Gov. Palin has five kids. Multiply that by 5, and you have Moses' family. One of his baby's was born with only 1 whisker. Despite this abnormal birth defect, Mo has never used this fact to exploit baby cat number 13 or used his child to further his political career. Clearly, Mo has what it takes to be the next VP.

Moses is transgendered, and black:

Not only is Moses a tuxedo cat, both black and white, but he is also sexually/gender ambiguous. When he was 3 months old, he had his testicles removed by a vet-technician. Moses grew up feeling/thinking he was male, and was treated this way by his peers. But by mainstream American standards, Moses is neither male nor female. Clearly McCain chose Sarah Palin based on irrelevant experience and her gender. She is NOT Hillary Clinton, nor is she like any of the other women of government McCain could have picked as his running mate. Moses the cat fulfills the gender AND the race "card" McCain seeks, and is extremely comfortable with his lifestyle choices.

Lastly,

Moses the cat does not talk about political issues:

Even when asked, Moses never talks about political issues. He just runs to his food, or scratches the furniture. These are typical divertive moves. While Palin's reluctance to talk about anything worldly seems forced, Moses' reluctance comes across as purely genuine. Clearly, Moses has what it takes to be our next VP.

Please consider these qualifications when voting on November 4, 2008. I recommend crossing out Palin's name on the ballot, and writing "Moses for VP." If your town uses an electronic voting machine, feel free to scratch this phrase on the screen. Thank you for your time.