He Just Hasn't Met the Right Girl Yet
Ahh! I thought this would have stopped by now! I was on the phone with my mom tonight, telling her about a new friend of mine who I had dinner with recently. The friend is a girl, and after telling my mom how we had a nice time, my mom blurted out, “Was she pretty?” It was a simple enough question, but I could tell the tone. “Yeah, she was attractive,” I said. She then replied with an “ohhh,” in a way that even though she was several hundred miles away, I could tell she was smiling.
I then responded with a “Mommm,” in a way that would let her know that I was pissed. “Oh, you can’t blame me for trying,” she said. And this was the point when I lost it. Yes I can blame you for “trying” mom! I’m gay. Gay gay gay! I was angry, and I told her that by saying things like this to me, the implication is that there is something wrong with being gay.
She then revealed that it was my dad who had recently floated the theory that I “just haven’t met the right girl yet.” Oh, it’s so damn frustrating. I came out to my parents this past January, and while they were initially shocked, they immediately began making progress. I can’t say that I’m completely comfortable talking with them about “gay things,” but every once and awhile I’ll mention something like having gone out on a date. But, apparently that’s not doing the trick. Seriously, do I need to start telling them graphic shit for it to sink in? “Hey mom and dad, I got a blowjob last night. I enjoyed it, and it was from a guy.” Somehow I can’t see myself having that conversation.
I guess part of my problem is that I came out to my family first. I used them as my base of support, then slowly began widening the circle of people who I’m out to. But now, knowing that they really haven’t progressed as far as I thought they had, it’s shaken me. Being gay is hard enough on a day to day basis; I don’t need the people who I thought I had on board bailing ship on me. That’s not to say that I don’t have a larger base of support now, it’s just disheartening to know my parents are still harboring some glimmer of hope that I’ll return to the light/straight side.
16 comments:
My father told me at Christmas that I just "needed to get some pussy" and I'd forget the gay thing.
Much to his horror, I took the opportunity to tell him the details of the great three-way I had with an engaged couple in Jamaica a few weeks prior.
He doesn't harass me about women anymore.
i say give them a year. then toss in some explicit details.
Give them time. They will adjust. If they keep it up, I would let them know that you will spend less time with them.
Yeah, give them some more time. You've had a head-start in dealing with being gay. Just remember that they only just started dealing with your gay. They have to come out about it to themselves as much as you did.
Never underestimate the power of parental denial. At least for myself and most of my queer friends, there is no way our parents had no warning signs. (Retrospective is cringe-worthy... I always thought I was so clever/sneaky!) They've probably been lying to themselves/holding out hope for far longer than the year you've been out.
In my case, it's just recently (3 years after I came out, 2 years after I rather suddenly became a baritone) that my mother has managed to get pronouns right. Sometimes. My dad still can't.
Just remember that they only just started dealing with your gay.
Love it!
BEHOLD MY GAY!
/not being mean, just got tickled by it
Apparently due to me hanging out with a new friend who happened to be a girl and mentioning her frequently, this led to my mom asking me if I "was still gay?" I blew up and yelled at her and told her how incredibly offensive the question was and to never ask that again and it pretty much got the point across. Parents just don't understand...
I read over the comments and totally understand your predicament but NOT talking to your parents? Come on, if you are that close to them, tell them what's on your mind until they get it or introduce them to gay friends.
I totally understand. I grew up in a very small town, where nobody came out. I came out 10 years ago. Mom and Dad took a long time to get accustomed to the idea but they have. Now it's funny to me when Dad asked me if I've gotten dick lately.
Like a fellow commenter said, give them time. They've been thinking of you as straight since you were born and only been dealing with you as gay for a year.
You came out to your parents in January, October just starts tomorrow. I know how it feels, when you finally come to terms with such a big thing as coming out, that the universe should rearrange itself to adjust to your new clarity of vision. But the truth is that everyone will need an adjustment period.
As far as I can tell your parents are doing much better than mine. They just kicked me out (after a huge screaming, histrionics-filled row, we are latino, we do everything telenovela style), and I ended sleeping on a friend's couch for a couple months until i got my own place. Relations were, to say the least, strained. But we did not stop talking.
10 years later, they helped my bf and I move into our first place, and we are talking about going on a holiday trip together. Everybody just needs some time. It could be years. Like a friend told me once, if it took us years to understand come to terms with our sexuality, it is not fair to expect them to get on board right away.
It's funny how it takes parents a while to adjust -- I think Jimbo hit the nail on the head when he noted that you had a headstart to get your own head around being gay.
And like Daniel, I've been quite happy with how much my parents have changed since I came out to my parents back in January 1998. I initially got the "are you sure?" and "maybe you haven't met the right girl" lines (I think they're traditional response gambits) at first, although I did have fun shutting those down. ("Are YOU sure you're not gay?" and "No, trust me, that's not it. I just haven't been telling you about guys over the years," ultimately helped it sink in.)
Earlier this month we had a big family vacation--my parents, my two sisters, my brother-in-law, me... and my boyfriend of a year and half. It was the first time that offer was ever extended and at various points I got the, "You two better not break up because we like [your boyfriend] more than you, incidentally" comments from my mom and my sisters.
In time, things will hopefully be a bit better with your folks.
Wow, this so familiar. I also came out to my family first and have been frustrated with the slow pace with which they (my parents) have dealt with my being gay. I came out to them in 2003, right after I graduated college, and part of what made it so difficult for them to understand my revelation is that I had a girlfriend just two years earlier. Because I was honest with them about the end of that relationship (she cheated on me), as of one year ago, they still doubt that I'm really gay.
I couldn't believe that more than four years after I came out, they still harbored hopes that I would come around and realize that I just had a bad breakup with one girl, not that I'm actually gay and had been closeted before. An added complication is that they are very devout Catholics, which immediately after I came out, led them to suggest that I go see a priest or a shrink about my gayness. A priest? Why? So I can get laid? Seriously, do they not know that all of the priests we had while I was growing up were total flamers?
Anyway, I yelled and screamed at them a lot when this all came to light a year ago, that they still hadn't accepted my homosexuality. I must say, if you're someone like me, and someone like Jon seems to be, it's not so easy to just cut your parents out of our life. I'm surprised commenters on this blog entry could so casually suggest that as a solution. Despite how much it hurts me that my parents are unable to come to terms with my homosexuality, I still love them, I know they love me, I still want them in my life, and I still hold out hope that something will change in the future. I am not willing to trade my relationship with my parents for my sexual orientation, and damn it, I'm going to try like hell to make the two compatible.
This is not the sort of thing that can be solved by simply threatening to cut them out of my life. I could never do that. What it does mean is that every now and then, no matter how unpleasant it is, I have to raise the issue with them in some way so that we have an opportunity to communicate with each other. I have to keep trying to include them in my life, not push them away. This is not easy and I am often weak in this respect. I don't think I've said the word "gay" to them in six months, and we talk at least weekly. It is a struggle, but it is a struggle I must bear because there is no viable alternative for me.
Jon, I am sorry that you had to have this conversation with your mom. It really sucks, and I really empathize with you... so much. But if, as I suspect based on the fact that you came out to them so early on in your coming-out process, you can't ever see yourself just cutting them out of your life, be prepared for this to possibly be an ongoing conversation between you and your parents that stretches years, not months. Not that your experience will be just like mine, but it could take longer than you would like. And, if you're as lucky as I am to have two completely accepting siblings to run diplomatic missions to your parents on your behalf, lean on those other members of your family for support when/if your parents let you down. And lean on your friends. And play with your adorable dog. =)
Coming out as gay to your parents and telling them it's not changeable are two different things.
You should tell your dad he's really a gay man and has been repressing it for decades. He just hasn't met the "right guy" yet.
He'll understand real fast what you're trying to tell him: that sexual orientation is not possible to change.
Can someone tell me where I can buy that shirt?
Ask your dad how many guys he sucked off before he met "the right girl." That should shut him up right quick.
I agree that time is important, but I wonder if there's a certain extent to which we should be proactive.
I was raised in a culture/religion that is extremely homophobic, and when I came out three and a half years ago to my parents and brother I got the same responses as many here have described. But we're close (very close), so it just turned into something we din't talk about. I became an asexual being.
When I asked earlier this year what was up, my folks told me they just didn't understand what being gay was about. They aren't really friends with any gay people, and I'm fairly sure they get all of their information about teh gayz from tv and republican mailings. Seriously, my mom thought that my coming out meant I had (or would have) AIDS.
Anyway, I kinda figured out that I have to help walk them through coming to terms with homosexuality (mine and generally), baby steps, pointing them to resources (pflag) if need be, or explaining that many aspects of dating and relationships are pretty much the same. It's ridiculously frustrating at times, and it probably would be easier just to refuse to speak to them until they accepted me, but we're too close for that. For me, cutting off my family would never be an option. I'm just giving them as much time, space, and information as they need.
Parents are people too - they react differently and have different life experiences, and you have to handle them accordingly.
Thanks everyone for the nice comments - and I'm glad people can relate : )
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