Monotony, I mean, Monogamy
No one's gonna love you more than I do?
Every two years my Irish, Catholic, West Virginian, extended family gets together for what I think is some sort of ancient druid worship ritual to Jameson and light beer. This past weekend marked another of these bizarre installments, and this time around, my sister and I arrived minus the emotional armor or our respective mates. At 31, going to a family reunion without a spouse or a baby is like showing up to Seder with a giant honey-glazed ham. No one knows why the hell you are there.
Since we seemingly made up the well of loneliness contingent of the clan, my sister and I turned our Diane Fossey-like observation skills to recording and analyzing the social behavior of our parents, and their nigh on 36-year relationship. Usually I watch my Mom and Dad poorly abstain from criticizing each other and just get annoyed. This time around I had the eerie feeling I was being visited by the ghost of monogamy future.
Even though my parents are hetero and I’m not, it’s still a bit of cognitive dissonance to realize the template I grew up with, for how a relationship works, is not necessarily the best formula. What’s worse--I realize I don’t want to replicate the dynamics of my parents’ relationship, but LO! I see myself doing some of the same shit I fault my parents for, in my very own relationship! There’s nothing like spending a whole weekend with assorted relatives to start looking closely at the downside of heredity.
For me, sometimes it feels like the genetic stamp of selfishness is too much to escape. Why drag someone along while you try to figure out how to be a good girlfriend / boyfriend? (Here’s where my therapist would say, you’re assuming the other person has it all figured out, that they are the model girlfriend / boyfriend, when really they are just as much figuring it out as you.)
Fair enough, but it would be really great if somebody had a lock on monogamy, and would explain it to me. God help me if the punks are right and it’s really a sham, because I’ve tried polyamory, and I’m not going back. Let me tell you, if you want to feel insecure 24-hours a day, ruin good friendships, and get every cold that comes through your friend group then polyamory is the ticket for you. I’m pretty sure that I’m built for monogamy, the problem is I have no idea how one goes about making a long-term life with another person. Three-to-five years? No problem. But when you’re looking down the barrel of a decade, I wonder how couples truly stay happy with their choices.
I think I have plenty of examples of how couples live with their choices, but I want more than that.
8 comments:
I only had one friend in college who would admit in attraction to Elise Keaton. She's an unsung milf, although the dad makes me uncomfortable.
We need some role models up in this joint.
I think you've hit that 7-8-9 year itchy spot, Coach. That's when the shit hits the fan and you either grow closer together or grow way apart. It's a trial by fire thing. As long as Marilyn Monroe doesn't come sauntering along in that breezy white dress, you'll probably be fine. My therapist says that each relationship goes through developmental stages, just like people do. Good luck.
sha-la-la-la, Wren.
I think the secret to a successful long-term relationship is honesty. Be honest with yourself and be honest with one-another. And make sure you're really into it. If you get bored, don't just sit there thinking that the other person is 100% happy with everything and that it's your fault. Things can stagnate, which is why you need to mix things up. If sexual stagnation is your problem, there are plenty of ways to reinvigorate your romantic life. Just ask Dan Savage. But don't expect everything to be perfect. And don't be afraid to take your alone time. A few days on your own can be all you need to put a spark back in a relationship.
Again, just be honest and open with yourself and one another. No one, including yourself, can satisfy your needs if they don't know what they are.
As someone who once proclaimed that she was not built for monogamy, I've now found that it totally satisfies my desire to fully know and be known by someone I've chosen to love. The way I see it, being monogamous is a matter of surrendering to both the known and unknown. On the one hand, you're giving yourself over to familiarity rather than spontaneity, but on the other, you never know what life will throw at you and it is an amazing thing to know you'll have a life partner who'll give you strength, and encourage you to be/become what you need/want to be. For me, becoming monogamous made perfect sense when I was: 1)emotionally and professionally comfortable with myself, and 2) had the good fortune to find someone who was wonderful enough to make me want to say "Okay, I'll stop chasing after the ladies/fellas and get on board with you, and only you. This is a trade-off I can, and WANT to make because you're great." Those two pieces had to be in place for me, though. Good luck figuring it out for yourself, coach.
Monogamy is not the gold standard and neither is polyamory. It really is up to you to figure out where you belong on the monogamy vs. polyamory spectrum.
I have wrestled at times with this myself for a while. I am completely monogamous in relationships. I feel kinda crappy if I'm on the look out for some action when I have a fella at home. I just don't feel good about it. So it's in my nature to be monogamous in the first place. And believe you me, we are a rare breed in the gay world.
I tried an open relationship once and I honestly felt like I was back in the closet. I didn’t feel like myself at all. Part of it was exciting but then I didn’t feel I was in a “real” relationship like I had in the past (and who knows what “real” is in the first place!?). So wide open gigs aren’t for me and it’s no big deal and I will go on my own merry way.
With that said, over a long term, especially with gay men, I just don’t think it’s likely that a strictly monogamous relationship is possible. I think it’s a nice goal to have but I do think it’s a bit of a tall order over years and years. I will paraphrase Dan Savage: “I’m in favor of a little play but I’m also in favor of a lot of restraint.”
I think open relationships work only if both people are completely honest about it. I also think there needs to be balance somewhere. Honesty and balance are where couples have the most trouble. A lot of open gay couples I run into are in relationships where it’s painfully obvious that there is little or no balance and little discussion on how to proceed. I have seen men treat their partners with an amazing lack of compassion and all for the hookup.
But I have also met gay couples where an open arrangement WORKS for them and it so wonderful to see that; it’s just that I don’t run into these couples very often.
So I basically look at it like this -- if you are going to be in open relationship, don’t be a jerk about it. Your partner is your 1st priority and the rest you can figure out and be a nice guy about it.
In my own mind if I ever settle down again, I am willing to have a little play every now and then with couples we both know and have established a rapport with. I would prefer if we play together and I don’t want playing to be a focus. I think my life has been overly sexualized in the 1st place and it’s starting to be a drag. I ain’t 24 any more and I want to evolve a little while I am here and I think focusing on sex sex sex sex is ultimately defeating in the long term.
IMHO – I think if you constantly have guys moving through the revolving door and you are continually planning your next bear event, it hurts the intimacy you have with your partner in the long run. I think it’s it good to show some loyalty to your partner that extends into some type of sexual closed-ness in your relationship.
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