Spacy Eye for the Asshole Straight Guy

On Sunday morning, I went out to brunch with my boyfriend at the place we've been going every Sunday morning since we got together a year ago. We sat at our usual table in the front right corner. And, as usual, we were so hungover that death seemed like a sweet release. After our first cup of coffee, my boyfriend leaned over the table, kissed me on the lips and then hurried off to use the bathroom. Since I wasn't carrying a book or a set of knitting needles, I busied myself by staring out the restaurant's South window and watching all the foot traffic on 18th St.

I was so zoned out that I didn't notice a guy having brunch with his girlfriend at a table that fell in my sightline. That is, I didn't notice until he said to me, without a hint of a smile, "Would you mind telling me what the fuck you're staring at?" Caught off guard, I told him that I was spacing out while people watching. He didn't like this. He responded "It's really fucking rude... and I think you're lying to me."

Aha! Mr. Easily Rankled actually thought that I was staring at him. But why the hell should that make him so angry?

We had a couple minutes of tense back and forth, and I finished our interaction by promising not to look in his general direction for the duration of his meal. Later, my boyfriend heard the other man's girlfriend admonishing him, saying "That was not a normal reaction." Since he didn't usually fly off the handle at strangers, I could only assume that the thought of being lusted after by another man had made him apoplectic.

Let's imagine that this same man was getting stared at by a 400-pound woman with bald spots, no legs and a pet monkey. I'd imagine that he wouldn't want to have sex with her either, but he wouldn't take her interest as a fundamental insult to his masculinity. He would simply say "Sorry, I'm not interested" and wheel her to somewhere less obtrusive. I doubt he would swear at her.

But when a guy hits on a straight guy, their whole world can fall apart. This usually only happens to the guys who aren't comfortable with their own sexuality. Men who are secure don't mind who shows interest in them. They might even enjoy the attention. But men who have part of themselves they haven't fully examined are the ones most liable to flip out. I'm not saying that every homophobe is a through-and-through closet case, but I do think they need to look closer at their own insecurities and figure out where they come from. They should figure out why they think a little gay attention is going to turn them into some flaming, over-the-top femme bottom in the eyes of all their bros.

I've hit on my fair share of straight guys (and even tried to kiss a couple) and most of them respond with disinterested flattery. They like the attention, but not the thought of my dick in their ass. So they respectfully decline. On Saturday night, I ran into an acquaintance on the street corner whose girlfriend let my boyfriend and I kiss his bare abs. I don't quite remember how that happened, but I'd say it was pretty damn enlightened of them.

That's why I forget that a lot of straight guys out there act like they're going to catch gay the minute some young man in skinny jeans compliments their t-shirt. I suspect that this post is going to invoke a lot of battered wife syndrome, a lot of commentors telling me that the fault lies in the gay ogler, not the straight subject. I think this isn't true. I think its going to take a long time and a lot of growth before straight men don't use gay attraction as a rationalization for anger. Just ask Matthew Shepard.

The ultimate answer to this man's discomfort revealed itself when he was leaving. Pushed by his girlfriend, he turned back to me apologized for the way he reacted earlier. "It had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with you," he said.

I'd say that's as good an explanation as I'm ever going to get.