TNG Flashback: Terror Food

The work day is almost over. We hope you use your last ounce of concentration to revisit this year-old TNG article. Originally published by Ben on 2/25/2008

In a staff meeting last week, my boss announced that since we are located so close to the White House, each employee should have "at least 4 days of food" stockpiled at our desks.

I've come to call this stash my "Terror Food" due to the reason for its necessity and in that I'm stressed about having it at my desk. There have been numerous moments in the past week, walking downstairs at midnight to guiltily smoke a cigarette or working out at the gym, when I've thought about needing to buy terror food just in case I get caught up in some act of jihad.

I settled on "Hormel Turkey Chili with No Beans." Gay uncle in the family of Hormel Chili products, It's super tasty, great with oyster crackers, and virtually fat free while being a good source of protein. It's also the only food I really feel that I could eat for 4 days straight and still enjoy on day 4.

Having this stack of canned meat under my desk is a little strange. It's always right there, reminding me of the fragility of human existence and sending my mind in directions I'd rather not travel, but probably should. Should I be working this close to the terrordome? Do I really want to die around these people? What other items necessary for my survival should I have at my desk? A walkie talkie? Water purification tablets? A good book? Oh, who am I kidding. KNIFE. KNIFE KNIFE KNIFE. I think of that one alot. Particularly considering that my radiation crazed associates, most of which probably have no terror food of their own will probably be coming for mine, particularly if 4 days turn into many more.

My terror food also provides a major temptation. I love Hormel Turkey Chili with No Beans (the distinction between beans/no beans does matter), and seeing it there staring at me is too great a distraction. After little more than a week I have significantly less than 4 days of Hormel Turkey Chili with No Beans, and my supply will probably hemmorage more before I can replace the missing.

I hate that the evil-doers make me deal with such things.