The Greatest Gay Lie Ever Told?
This post was written by TNG founder Zack. 
In Ben's recent post, The Single Guy, he presented a fairly objective account of a single gay guy's foray into oodles of unemotional sex. The narrative withheld most judgments on the experience. Our readers did not. Commenter after commenter indicated that experience sounded "bleak" or "like looking into hell with the lid off."
This opinion is not just limited to some off-handed comments on a website. Most guys I know who are in serious relationships talk about their frivolous single phase as if it was a stint in a Cambodian jail. Like the strains and indignities of the unattached gay life were so miserable that their end is as relieving as a hemorrhoid removal.
I don't think I've had the traditional gay single life, a fact of which most longtime readers of this site are aware. Because I bitch about it all the damn time. But still, even though it can be lonely or frustrating there are aspects of wanton sluttery that sound really appealing to me. It sounds like a part of one's life that, disgusting as it might be, needs to be gotten out of the way. I wouldn't even trade my boyfriend's little toe for a night of Manhunt fun or JR's cruising but I am curious what the experience was like for others. My friends that have done such things never speak of them fondly when I ask them to tell their stories.
"I'm so glad those days are over." "It was the worst." "Trust me, you're lucky to have skipped all that."
I don't buy it.
It makes me imagine some guy meeting his friends for brunch one morning and saying "Uch, the worst thing happened to me last night. I met a guy at a bar and he gave me a blowjob. I'll never be the same."
As one friend rubs his back in consolation, his other buddy says "You think that's bad? I have three dates next week. Three dates! It's...It's...."
As he struggles to properly express his horror at the prospect, their fourth friend, heretofore quiet, begins to let out wrenching, shuddering sobs. As his chest shakes and the tears trickle down his cheeks, he manages to choke out "I fucked a guy last week. He had really nice arms. Then I fucked him again in the morning!" As the group wallows in their own misfortune, the waitress hurries back to the kitchen for a round of chocolate ice cream and xanax.
Does this sound accurate? It is really easy to say in retrospect that a lot of dating and random sex sucks. At the time, though, I think men get something out of it. They wouldn't do it if they didn't. They get sex or comfort or conquest or validation or any of the billion possible medallions that one hangs invisibly around their neck as they walk back home in the morning from a house they've never been to before and will never go to again.
There are very few instances where someone holds a gun to your head or a dick to your mouth. The "Queer as Folk" life isn't for everyone and I know many people that have skipped it all together. But for those that did make a choice to go out and sample the local fruits: Why are you so quick to turn your back on it?
23 comments:
Why do you care what other people do?
God, don't get me started.
I think it's all about buildup and letdown. Actual sex goes in between those two.
During your buildup, which can last for hours, you work yourself into a sex-demanding frenzy that you think only another person can relieve. No solitary jerking off for you tonight!
Then you prowl the bars (or the sex sites), say the few requisite clever things that show you're interested while seeming as if you couldn't care less if the other guy is, then express the urge to talk somewhere quieter and you go off to his place. Or yours. It's all good.
And that's the buildup. Now comes the sex. But first you compliment his interior decor (if it's his place) or offer him a drink (if it's your place).
Once the pleasantries are out of the way, you start making out on the couch, if you're not already on the bed.
And THAT'S when you know how things are going to go. Right from that second. If you, like me, place a premium on face-sucking, the kissing makes or breaks the hookup. On the one hand there are the guys who think they're at the dentist and simply open wide.
Then there's the giant squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, whipping his tongue every which way in the delusion that it's somehow sexy.
And then there are the bank vaults who won't open up at all, even though you think you can come up with the right combination -- pull down his lower lip with your teeth and slip in the tongue, stroke the back of his head like an Open Sesame in braille, or maybe even try to catch him off guard by opening up a second front with your hands somewhere -- maybe a nipple -- to make him open his mouth to blurt out his pleasure, giving you the opening you need to make your move.
I hate the bank vaults.
Random hookup sex itself is like gingerly negotiating kitchen or bathroom protocol with a new roommate: you like to do things a certain way, and you like the other person to do them that way too, although you're happy to meet the other person halfway if his request is reasonable.
Of course, the other person may not be giving you what you want at all, while you're there plugging away like a champ. What if you maneuver *this* way so that he knows what you want him to do with *that*? No? Then just ask him. If he feels it's a reasonable request, he'll comply, even though it's not a part of his normal repertoire. You'll appreciate the effort, even though you'll notice the sloppy execution.
If he doesn't think it's a reasonable request, he'll tell you that he "doesn't do" whatever it is you want him to do. Regardless of what you're looking for, you will find this annoying.
Now comes the orgasm. Now I was raised right, so I usually tend to the other guy's orgasm first, unless he's doing such a good job with me that I just lay back and enjoy the ride. (That doesn't happen too often.)
Once he comes, you're pretty much free to go. However, if he was raised right, even if you didn't wholly enjoy the hookup, he'll start yanking on your peter like it's a broken lawnmower. At this point you will politely take over, making sure to either display the fruits of your pleasure or fake it with enough zeal that you're off the hook.
Then you lie there panting for a bit, saying vaguely complimentary things to each other. He (or you, depending on where you are) will say something about work (if it's a school night) or brunch (if it's a weekend), search around for his (or your) clothes and commence the Attiring of Shame.
(If he took the time to fold his clothes -- or yours -- before sex, be sure you don't give him your cell number or email address.)
Finally, you catch a cab home, even if public transportation is still running. You get into your empty double bed and stretch yourself out because it's the first time you've felt relaxed all night.
It's at this moment you replay the night in your head, how it wasn't worth it, how you'd have had a better time with your favorite porn. You think of all the trouble you went to for that one, short, awkward experience, just to come home to an empty bed.
And you vow never, ever to do it again.
Then one night you get the little hornbug in your pants and XTube just won't do, and you start all over again...
That's why I don't like random hookups :)
Mike B's assessment is pretty dead on. I don't regret those days, but after a while a cost-benefit analysis of hookups revealed them to be not worth the effort. And usually what I'm really looking for (validation, human contact, etc.) is not what I'm getting during the process. We're looking for Mr. Right, we often settle for Mr. Right Now, and we end up regretting Mr. Wrong At Any Time.
I have no problem whatsoever with random hookups. They satisfy physical desires and are much less messy than bad relationships. I do not oppose committed relationships, but not everyone has luck in love. I'd trade a crazy ex for a one-night stand any day!
I for one am lucky to have found Mr. Right yet I have no regrets of my admittedly whorish phase. Was it Bette Midler who said your 20s are all about sleeping with the wrong people? I made some mistakes, I learned from them, and they've made me who I am today. Along the way I had some great sex and some absolutely awful sex and now nothing is like sex with my partner. But Zach to your question... I wouldn't have skipped a thing and I'm sure a lot of others feel the same.
I do know a lot of those "regretters" but I think that's more to do with justifying their current relationships (be they good or so so).
Mike B's comment should be its own post. Seriously.
One-night stands are just so unfulfilling for me. I've had a few that have developed into friendships, but the rest have been so impersonal that I don't know what the point was. If you have nothing in common, nothing to talk about besides 'you're pretty', why are you having sex with that person? I need to wait until I've been on several (or more) dates with a guy so I have a sense of whether there's a connection, an attachment, something more permanent, before I can go to bed with him. Sex with strangers would leave me feeling empty and used.
I was really promiscuous in my early 20s, then not so much in my 30s, but now I'm in my late 40s and having a lot of sex again, usually with guys I don't know very well.
I think the quality of the experience has a lot more to do with your attitude than what you actually do or how many guys you have sex with, etc. Whoring around can be really miserable if you're just looking to patch up holes in your self-esteem, because it never works for more than a few minutes (or maybe a couple hours if you're lucky) and then you feel miserable all over again, even more so. But, for me at least, if my intention in having sex is to express affection or bring pleasure to someone, then I enjoy it a lot more and I don't hate myself afterward.
I think even an anonymous encounter with someone you never see again can be a profound, meaningful connection.
You shouldn't buy it, half those coupled guys are off fucking/getting fucked by everyone else. Either that or they are horrible, clingy, desperate, needy, unfulfilled halflings who can't survive without being a part of a couple. Consequently their relationships don't actually last, and they find themselves in a world that doesn't get turned on by their neediness and stalking as a flirting technique and it really is like a stint in a Cambodian jail.
I'm not saying that everyone in a relationship is like that but as I've observed there are a large number out there.
@Mike B: You're not doing it right. :) Safe cracking is probably much easier with men than women.
im borderline bipolar, and one consequence of this is that i go through short phases of really wanting sex and then not having the energy or motivation to even say hello to another human being. the result is that i always get entangled with people but never enough to see anything develop. kind of the worst of both worlds. i'm hoping that this is a phase and that i either start going for it with guys or simmer down enough to find a relationship, but i have a feeling that i wont.
I had my share of one nighters in college and I can honestly say that they did nothing for me. As soon as they were over I'd wander back to my apartment, momentarily satisfied, not wanting to spend the night with someone I barely knew and had nothing in common with, and I'd wake up the next morning feeling just as lonely and hollow as ever. The only borderline positive that came out of it was being able to set the "Days/Weeks/Months since I've gotten laid" clock back to zero, and that, like the sex, was only a superficial consolation whose significance wore off as quickly as the adrenaline rush. The fact that I was stuck at a small college in a small town in the middle of nowhere that lacked even a solitary gay man that I was even remotely interested in relationship-wise didn't help.
Like blind dates and online dating sites, I haven't looked for a one-nighter since college and I don't want to, even if it means being single a while longer.
Ultimately, it depends on the people involved. Some guys are so emotionally detached that sex is really all there is for them. I'm not one of those guys, and having read a few of your posts it doesn't sound like you are either.
@copp3rred: Do tell! Why not share with the rest of the class?
copp3red: don't be hatin' on the halflings. I like guys with hairy feet. And little people can fist you while you're standing up!
Who folds their trick's clothes? I've never heard of such a thing. It all goes in a pile and is meant to be sorted out later.
In addition to all the other reasons dating is tough, it's also expensive. Dinner at a restaurant ain't cheap in this town!
Mike B.--Why don't you write for this blog?
I think Mike summed it up very well--the anticipation is great, the act can be enjoyable, but (for me) the aftermath is devastating. I still go home to an empty bed, and I still have noone to share my life with. All the sex in the world--not even great sex--can make up for that.
thank you steven. i think all this feeling horrible and self-loathing after hook-ups has everything to do with puritanical attitudes about sex. there are plenty of good reasons to have sex, and just because it might only be once doesn't demand that it be meaningless. there's a line of course, and i think sex-addiction is a real thing and i totally understand that.
as usual joni mitchell sums it up best for us
There's no comprehending
Just how close to the bone and the skin and the eyes
And the lips you can get
And still feel so alone
And still feel related
Like stations in some relay
You're not a hit and run driver, no, no
Racing away
You just picked up a hitcher
A prisoner of the white lines on the freeway
I don't think needing/wanting something more than just sex means you have a puritanical attitude or some form of guilt associated with it. Sex by itself just doesn't do anything for me. I don't think people who enjoy hooking up are whores or sluts, they just have a stronger sex drive than I do.
It does seem to me that an entire life of looking for nothing but sex, forever, would be 'bleak', but maybe not everyone feels that way.
needing/wanting more from sex and therefor abstaining from "just sex" isn't necessarily puritanical. but needing/wanting "just sex" and then feeling guilty about having it is.
I agree with you there.
zach
i had sex with A LOT of people. aspects of it were emotionally damaging. but i loved EVERY second of it. :)
I grow ever more convinced my dad's wisdom was well founded when he refused assignments that would have posted us to the US. Even the British weren't this sad, even the upper-middle-middle class.
It's really funny though, since I haven't been having that much sex in the past 12 months (and not missing it), but I'll be damned if I'm going to pretend like I long for a life in the convent.
@Mike B. Ok so if you do that thing you like and there's no reaction, you move on. Besides even as many of the weird (and wonderfully weird) things guys like, there are probably just a few basic things you can work with and then expand from there. It really is like holding up a conversation, it's not hard, except when it's hard and then it's like death on a stick.
Admittedly I generally discuss a few things before taking him home, and I generally avoid picking up guys who seem like they'll be like dead fish or guys from BeBar.
can you correct the link to "the single guy" in the first sentence ... I don't think it is correct!
The link is fixed. Thanks!
Sometimes I have to stew on a topic for a few days before I come to an insight. I don't think there is anything intrisically wrong with hooking up. The problem we have is with honesty - honesty with our selves as much as with the other person. If you want to have a romp in the sack and then go home to your own place afterwards (or ask the other person to leave) you need to be clear about that up front with yourself and the other person.
If, however, what you really want is a night of cuddling and to not wake up to an empty bed the next morning, you have to admit that to yourself (and to the other person) and realize that a quickie isn't going to fulfill that need. Then, having been honest with yourself, you can decide whether to continue to pursue the hook-up, or to let it slide and keep your eyes open for something more lasting.
I was incredibly liberated when I discovered that often what I wanted was simple validation, and that by being cruised by someone else, I got that, and that I didn't have to follow through (unless I chose to) to the hook-up if I didn't want to. And I had to learn to be honest with myself and tell myself that a simple hook-up wasn't going to give me what I really wanted (a warm bed, a boyfriend, etc.). Hooking up needs to be a conscious choice for that exact thing, and nothing more, IMHO. That way, those who want something other than a hook up, and therefore refuse to hook up, don't have to accept the label of being a prude. They can simply acknowledge that hooking up is not what they are looking for.
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