Dispatches from Left Field: On Finding OneSelf

TNG Contributor Matt', who submitted this piece, reflects upon coming to terms with hisSelf.

I grew up in a small town in rural North Georgia. I think it's safe to say that opinions, especially about sexuality were (are) not particularly enlightened there. Despite the proximity to the gay mecca of Atlanta people in my hometown very much pretend that homosexuality is something that doesn't exist outside of large urban areas. As a consequence, when I was in high school, there weren't even any rumors about gay students. It was something that no one talked about, period. "Gay," where I grew up, was simply a stand-in for the word "lame."

So, until the summer before my senior year of high school, I had never even met an out gay person. All I had to go on about homosexuality were my stereotypes - those shaped by the religious right, ignorant rednecks, and the media. And despite having crushes on all the hot guys in school, I didn't think of myself as gay. I suppose my journey to understanding mySelf began in the summer of 2002. That year, I was selected to attend a summer honors program which brought together Georgia's top high school students for a six-week stay at Valdosta State University.

As luck would have it, my roommate was gay--although he didn't come out to me for some time. Years later, when I came out to him (over instant messenger), he says he fell out of his chair in surprise. Apparently, I had come across to him as a touch homophobic that summer, although I really wasn't. I was just ill-informed and confused. I also desperately wanted him to make a case for homosexuality that I could buy into, something he never did, probably not wanting to antagonize me. And despite the fact that I was still deep in denial at the end of the summer, there were now cracks in the foundation.

There's not too much to tell about the rest of high school or even the first couple of years of college. Not being attracted to girls, and unable to accept my homosexuality, I essentially withdrew from trying at relationships or dealing with my sexuality. Until my Junior year, at least. After returning from a summer living in Germany, I felt like I was finally prepared to deal with my gayness. I don't know exactly when it was, but at some point over the summer, I admitted to myself that, yes, ich bin schwul--I am gay. Perhaps it was the openness of Germans toward homosexualität or just being outside of my normal comfort zone, but whatever the reason I was ready to out myself.

There was just one problem. I didn't know how. It's, of course, easy to just tell someone - which I did on October 5, 2005 - but dealing with it took more control. Besides, I couldn't let my parents find out before I was ready to tell them, something I talked about last week. I also didn't really know what being gay meant for me. I ended up in counseling, which really helped me come to terms with myself. I was initially scared when I first started going to Pride Alliance meetings, not really knowing what I was getting myself into, but I eventually settled in, despite being stalked by a crazy graduate student.

But after coming out, I felt the need to conform to stereotypes. I suppose I was just trying to assert to myself and others that I was gay, but the result was that I changed a lot about myself, from my haircut to the way I dressed. I gather that this is not all that uncommon in newly-out persons, but I still felt incomplete. It was a fun time in my life, finally free of the repression of the Closet, finally free to explore my sexuality, finally free to discover mySelf. But I suppose that on my trek to find myself, I took the scenic route. In trying to fit stereotypes, I only lengthened my journey to discovery.

In actuality, I traveled thousands of miles to figure out something I should have seen years before - and without even leaving Atlanta. But I was blinded by stereotypes and curiosity. So I went on a pilgrimage. Sort of. I was visiting potential grad schools on the West Coast and saw my chance to visit San Francisco (I was applying to Berkeley). So a 13 hour trip on the Coast Starlight from Portland brought me into the Bay Area. And a few hours later, I found myself at the corner of 18th and Castro, deep in the heart of the gayborhood. Called "the gayest corner in the world" by some, I found myself intimidated and intrigued, frightened yet excited.

Yet my pilgrimage was successful - I had a revelation. I realized then that being gay only means being who you are. It's not about fitting some stereotype. Liberating myself to be myself was the final step on my journey. I think that my revelation came because of the diverse nature of the Castro. I saw gays in so many guises, and realized that I didn't need to do anything other than be who I was born to be - which is not to say that I don't fulfill some stereotypes - I absolutely love musicals.

We often work hard to dispel negative stereotypes about homosexuality that contribute to homophobia and heterosexism, but I wonder if stereotypes are negative even when they are perpetuated by the gay community. I don't mean to suggest that people who fit stereotypes are necessarily fake, but I do sometimes get the impression that some gays only do certain things because they think it's how they're supposed to act. It just seems unhealthy to me. It's the natural course of human development to come to terms with the Self, to become comfortable with who we are, but I think that stereotypes place hurdles in that process, no matter who is creating them.

Thoughts?