WWSD: Werq it out!

"What Would Summer Do?" (WWSD) is an advice column for TNG readers published every other Wednesday.

In addition to sage advice from a gorgeous drag queen, each WWSD response includes an illustration created by TNG's Maggie. However, Maggie is on vacation this week, so today's illustration was created by yours truly!

Have a question for Summer Camp? Send it to her at wwsd@thenewgay.net.


Dear Summer,

You gotta help me. I'm a gay guy who goes to the gym a few times each week. There is a new guy at my gym who is hotter than two embers rubbing together under a wool blanket in July. I can't help but stare at him, and I think I've seen him looking back at me once or twice, but I have no idea how to approach him without coming off as skeezy. The gym is such a hyper-sexual environment (all that sweat, all those tank tops) that I fear any attempt at conversation would just come off like a come-on. And it goes without saying that the sauna or the group showers aren't ideal places to introduce myself. I never see this guy out, though, so this is my only option. What should I do?

Sweating in the Sauna

Dear Sweating,

Thanks for your letter. I can almost smell the tantalizing aroma of B.O. wafting from your sports kit! That yummy mix of onions, pickles, and funk. You do realize that you're asking a skeezy drag queen for advice on meeting a stranger. So, if you really want to know what Summer would do, read on.

Here is my advice: Stop being a wuss and introduce yourself to your ember-hot gym boy. Duh!

You seem to be averse to presenting yourself in a sexual manner to someone with whom you obviously want to get under the "wool covers." If there's one thing I've learned in my short, youthful life, it is: BEING COY GETS YOU NOWHERE!

I'm not suggesting that you walk up and grab his shaft in the shower. Which, by the way, has worked for me on numerous occasions. Except one time, when the shaft in question detached from the person's body and fell onto the tile floor. It was really awkward and creepy because neither of us said anything. Instead, I quickly rinsed the Clairol Herbal Essences Dangerously Straight Hair Conditioner from my weave and skedaddled out of the shower.



Where was I? Oh, yes. I'm sure you can find an appropriate time to say hello at the gym without coming off like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female: "I love myself like this!" Maybe try the water fountain. Or maybe approach him when he's in between sets of arm curls. Or how about the more benign zones of the locker room (e.g., sinks, lounge area, etc.). If you waste time trying to appear "cooler" than necessary, you may end up blowing your chance to meet the love of your life...instead of blowing the love of your life!

Since this advice column is called What Would Summer Do, I also wanted to give you a couple of Summer-style approaches that better capture my natural, predatory instincts.

1. The next time you see him working out on a "chest day," approach him and tell him that you're a certified personal trainer and that you'd like to offer him your services. Encourage him to start with the bench press. Really stack on the weights so he requires your assistance as his spotter. Assume a position with your legs spread above his head. Lift the bar off the rack and start counting reps. When you get to 3, let your wiener slip out. Oops! Then let it fall into his mouth. Oops! Then jizz in his mouth. Oops!

2. The next time you see him doing cardio, get on the adjacent machine. Start at a moderate pace, but then build to maximum exertion. The goal is to faint. When you come to, hopefully, you'll be lip locked with your dream boat. Nothing like a little CPR to bring two people together. Be sure that you're not high on heroin at the time, or you may throw up in his mouth. Not hot!

I'm sure that one of these brilliant ideas will work for you, and you'll have a new gym buddy in no time.

xoxo
Summer

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