In The Ladies' Room: Battle of the Lesbian Mini-Series

This week, Anne and I are taking on two much-beloved movies in the lesbian canon: Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith. Both are BBC mini-series based on novels by Sarah Waters (the lesbian Nicholas Sparks, if he was into period dramas). We're putting them in a head-to-head battle to see which one comes out on top. But first, here's a one line synopsis of each to get you up to speed, just in case.

Fingersmith: Maud's a rich lady whose pornographer uncle makes her read naughty things aloud; Sue is her lady maid who is trying to steal her money; eventually the two fall in love, but then stuff gets wacky--i.e., identity theft.

Tipping the Velvet: Nan meets a girl, falls in love, they do musical theater. Girl stops loving Nan, Nan becomes a prostitute/kept women, Nan runs away, falls in love with Socialist activist lady.

Below the fold, the battle begins!

Best Editing:

Anne: I can only hope that when I force someone into the insane asylum in order to secure my fortune the image of them being carted off - screaming my name - will echo in my mind forever. Through the magic of editing we get to see Maud’s guilty conscience replay this scene with Sue over and over and over again. This editing lets the audience know that Maude feels really, really, really bad for what she did – which is important because otherwise she might seem a little evil.

What really pushes Fingersmith over the edge in this category, however is all the voiceovers. I would say 92.7 percent of the story is told as a voiceover.

Amelie: I think it's an easy win for Tipping the Velvet here: while Nan's working the street, giving BJ's for dollars, the way Tipping the Velvet chooses to demonstrate is by using a peen's-eye-view of the process. See below:


That is all. WINNER.

Best Plot Twist:

Amelie: Almost-incest is a pretty good twist, right? Nan stays with Flo, a baby and a man, and she automatically assumes the man is Flo's husband. But really it's Flo's brother! And the baby is her ex-lover's! Shock! Awe!

Anne: Secret old fashioned pornographers have to win this category don’t they? Also babies switched at birth, but back to the lady pornographers - hot nineteenth century lady pornographers who write lady porn about their lady lovers to make their lady fortunes. WINNER.

Best Metaphor for Lesbianism:

Anne: Wikipedia, missing the point as usual, writes that, "’[f]ingersmith" may also refer to someone who has a mastered a skill involving the use of his or her hands. Maud is a secretary for her Uncle, Mr. Lilly.” Um no Wiki, no. However, they might be on to something. While “tipping the velvet” may be a charming Victorian euphemism, “fingersmith” connotes a certain level of talent and experience. It sounds so professional – like there should be some sort of union or guild.

Amelie: "Tipping the Velvet" is a charming Victorian euphemism. The meaning is pretty clear but for those of you who don't quite get it, Urban Dictionary defines it as "when lesbians go down on each other." Even though Anne thinks "fingersmith" sounds professional, I think it sounds a little vulgar, and I think tipping the velvet adds an air of mystery and old-fashioned elegance.

NO WINNER. As we do with all unanswerable questions, we asked ChaCha. The response?
"Oral sex on a woman. Tipping=licking & Velvet=Clitoris, Fingersmith, team fingersmith because our fingers smelled of v-- often." No help there.

Hottest Ladies:

Amelie: I'm really not even going to try to argue for Tipping the Velvet here--I think Fingersmith wins this hands down. I can't get over Nan's voice enough to find her attractive, Diana will always just be Duckface from Four Weddings and a Funeral to me, and Flo just isn't my scene. And even though Kitty has enough of an Idgie Threadgood (Fried Green Tomatoes) to catch my interest, they ladies in Tipping the Velvet don't really do it for me.

Anne: No freakishly throaty voices, or terrifying stage makeup, just two hot ladies in pretty period dresses staring longingly at each other. WINNER.



Best Prop:

Anne: Okay, okay. Tipping the Velvet wins hands down. Maude’s weird obsession with her gloves doesn’t even begin to compete with that big old glory rod.

Amelie: An old-fashioned strap-on. Sometimes it is painted gold. End of argument. WINNER.

Final Results: TIE.