WWSD: How To Be Fascinating!

"What Would Summer Do?" is a bi-weekly advice column. If you have a question for Miss Camp, send it to her at wwsd@thenewgay.net.

Dear Summer,

I’m depressed. Barbara Walters has named her most fascinating people of 2008, and once again, I DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT!!! Some of the people who made the list are cool: Tina Fey and the Pregnant Man. But Rush Limbaugh? Tom Cruise? I think I’m more fascinating than Rush and Tom. I want to be fascinating! What do I have to do? What would you do?

Apparently Unfascinating


Dear Unfascinating:

Thanks for raising this very important issue. I don’t know what it feels like to be “unfascinating,” but I’m sure it’s painful. Let’s see what Summer can do to make it all better.

First of all, don’t give up. Ms. Walters hasn’t officially announced her “Most Fascinating Person of 2008” yet. It might be you.

But, it’s probably not.

Now, I wouldn't get morose about the fact that you’re not as fascinating as Tina Fey. I’m sure your friends laugh at your jokes and you wear "attractive" outfits and your cat pays attention to you when it’s hungry. You’re just not Barbara Walters-level fascinating.

Let’s look at Barbara’s list:

1. ???


2. Thomas Beatie


3. Frank Langella


4. Sarah Palin


5. Michael Phelps


6. Miley Cyrus


7. Rush Limbaugh


8. Tina Fey


9. Tom Cruise


10. Will Smith

Ugh! Snoresville! Apparently it doesn’t take much to fascinate a 79-year old Libra from Brookline, MA. I have scabs on my knees that are more fascinating than most of the people on her list. Why is her list so white? Where are the gays?? My gawd Barbara…you’re such a stick in the mud. At least her list includes someone who is transgender. Why does Barbara Walters get to pick the most fascinating people of the year?

I digress…you asked me for advice. You want to know how to shrug off the affliction of “unfascination.”

The following suggestions are a combination of tactics that I have actually used; as well as some untested, but sure-fire ways to get noticed.

DISCLAIMER: Summer Camp and TNG are not responsible for subsequent arrests, incarcerations, or public humiliation due to readers’ desperate attempts to become more fascinating.

Five Ways To Be More Fascinating

1. Poop your pants at work every day for one month. When I did this, it wasn’t on purpose, it just happened. People were fascinated and disgusted. Two for the price of one!


2. Record your own acoustic album in your living room and distribute it over the Internet via PayPal. Another two-for, this will make you fascinating and rich.


3. Get really drunk, put on a ski mask, and go for drive in a stolen car. I did this once, and people were interested. If you want to escalate this activity to fascination-inducing levels, add a car accident. Just ram the car into the first pedestrian, mailbox, or building you see. People are always fascinated by car accidents (and train wrecks).


4. Become a successful alchemist. People love gold! Especially homemade gold. Use your new talent to craft super-cute charm bracelets for charity. Team up with other Christ-like givers such as Bono or Sally Struthers for added impact.


5. Wear a beret and scarf at all times.

Good luck obtaining increased fascination from your new fans. And, if you’re like me—on the edge of your toilet seat with anticipation and constipation—you’ll tune in to the 16th annual “Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People” to find out who is Number One in 2008! The love-fest airs tonight at 10:00 PM on ABC. [Note: I'd rather have small pox...ooh, another way to get people to stare at you].

Who do you think will top the list? I’m betting on that monster—Tyra Banks.

xoxo
Summer

P.S. Don't forget to become a fan of Summer Camp on facebook.