Bisexuals, Lesbians, and Gay Men: Friends or Better off Alone?

TNG is taking a much needed break from Dec 19-Jan 4. TNG will return with new content on Jan 5. Until then, please enjoy this post from the past year.

When Zack, Ben, Michael and I decided to start throwing TNG parties last February, we did it with the intention of bringing together our readers, who we knew were gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, straight, etc. This was a chance to have a few drinks and have fun with a wide range of people. And while the former certainly happened, the latter did not.

Though the turnout was probably 80% gay men, 20% lesbians, our original goal was much more even. While there have been waves of women's attendance — August's party was overflowing with women — for the most part, numbers of women have been smaller.

I tried everything I could think of — holding women's only events to promote the blog, sending emails and messages to every lesbian I knew in D.C., and asking them to forward it to their friends — but to no avail. I thought about this a lot, but have started to wonder — "Do lesbians and bisexual women just not want to party with their gay guy friends?" And if that’s true, does that mean the reverse is as well?

When I first started going out in D.C., it was to gay bars, Cobalt in particular. I had fun — who wouldn't have fun on Thursdays, when drinks cost a pittance? But I had to get used to being one of the only women there — and all the others were my friends. But while fun, the bar was just not woman-friendly. It was nearly impossible to get a drink at the bar and so many men asked me what I was doing there.

I've had fun at lots of other gay bars — JR's, Apex, Jack's — but for the most part have been one of the only women there. I quickly realized that there were no mixed settings, and a mixed setting was something I greatly desired. Sure, women's parties and nights at Phase 1 were great —and increased my chances of making out with someone — but given that my gay friends go out much more often than my lesbian friends, I needed places to go with my gay friends without being the token woman.

So that’s why I was so excited when we started the TNG parties. I thought that I would hang out with exactly the type of people I wanted to — intelligent, fun, witty guys and girls — but it turns out that we just couldn’t get the attendance we wanted. I’ve heard from women who attend the TNG parties that there are too many men in attendance, and that they just want to hang out with other queer women. And I’ve heard that some gay men have questioned why there are women at the Solly's parties.

Whenever I bring up this topic with friends, they say that people like to stick with others who are like them — people go to bars to meet people to hook up with. Younger people like to stick with people their own age and not drink with people older than their parents. Lesbians go to the lesbian bar and gays go to the gay bars. So why am I trying to mix oil and water? Why not just accept that women don’t want to come to TNG parties and leave it at that?

Because when we all come together it creates community. And community is something that we all desperately need, especially given the recent spate of violence against gays. I love my gay friends, I’m pretty sure that some gay boys like to hang around me, and I’m sure the same is true for all of you.

** Editor's note: Please keep the comments polite and civil. Remember that TNG is for building community, not tossing around hateful names and trivializing others' experiences. Take a deep breath before replying to a comment you don't agree with. **