Ask The King: Interracial Relationships

"Ask The King" is a TNG advice column featuring local drag king and all-around smooth guy E-Cleff. If you have any questions of your own, send them to aadk@thenewgay.net.

Dear E-Cleff,

I am a white woman in the lgbt community. The type of women I date are 99% black and mostly butch in apperance and I know and have seen how black lesbians operate both by who i have dated as well as friends. Being involved in interracial relationships I have experianced the awkward stares and the negative talk that come from outsiders in the community as well of those that are in. I am currently talking to this one woman who I really like. We have a good time together when we go out and are able to chill in together and have fun as well. The only problem that is wearing on me is that she has made a comment and not taken me to a couple of places because I am white... I don't know what to do at this point because I do like her. I know that skin color this day and age is still an issue, obviously: look at the issue with our president-elect. It's an unattractive quality to have, being shallow. Like I said i like her, but I just don't know if she is worth the time I'm putting into her anymore, but I'm still on the fence over this. Can you relate or give any advice?

Thanks,
Whitey ;P

Dear Whitey,

It is interesting that you are writing me about this issue, since I personally have dealt with the same situation as a black butch woman who has dated white women.

First and foremost I think you have to recognize that the DC gay scene has become so segregated, and unfortunately people are starting to get comfortable with this concept. It's a crazy concept to me that there are "white" parties and "black" parties.

Second, as much as you can try to comprehend, you will never know what it feels like to be a black woman, let alone a black butch woman. There are hidden standards and expectations we deal with in our community that white women would never understand. Though this statement is pretty obvious, it is important to say and really grasp this concept.

Third, believe it or not I can completely understand where your lady friend is coming from. Trust me; the white gay community is completely different than the black gay community. I'm sure both of you having gone out to predominantly white venues; never had to question this sort of thing, right?

Well it's not that simple in predominantly black women venues. Though I have seen some changes, the stigma is still there. In my experience, black women (not all) tend to hate on each other and judge one another from the start, based on looks, clothes, speech, etc. Sometimes we are our own worse critics, which is a shame. As someone who grew up in Olney, MD, many of my fellow black lesbians have called me "white". Why do I have to be white? Why can't I just be me? I have seen people size me up because of my looks and how I talk. Now take all of this and throw in a white woman you are dating in the mix (…pause for contemplation). Though you are just you, and she is just her, to some she is portraying hatred of her race, or that she is too good for her own kind, or that she is a traitor. You get the point. Sometimes we just don't want to have to deal with the stares, the ignorance, and the comments. Sometimes we just want to go out and have a good time. Sometimes we just want to blend in with everyone else and not cause attention. This I think you can understand. Sometimes we tend to make decisions based on what other people think. We all are guilty of it.

It sounds like overall you really like this woman. If this is true, it's not time to kick her to the curb quite yet. I think when you actually sit down and talk to her about this issue; you will hear some of the same themes that have come up in my response, which I would hope you can respect. At the end of the day, these items are not an excuse as to why both of you can't get your swerve on, no matter the crowd. At some point, your friend has to be able to say "Fuck That!" She has to be comfortable enough with herself to say "this is me and this is who I like, who cares what other people think". She has to realize that she has to live her life for her, not for other people. If she still can't see this than I think it would be time to reconsider whether it's worth your time and effort.

I don't know if I gave you the answer you were looking for, but hopefully I gave you a little different perspective on the situation. I could have gone so many different ways with this topic since it is a sensitive issue in our community. I smell a new blog coming on!

Good luck!

E-Cleff