Are You "Gay Like That?"

TNG is taking a much needed break from Dec 19-Jan 4. TNG will return with new content on Jan 5. Until then, please enjoy this post from the past year. Original publish date: 8/12/2008.

Recently, a straight guy told my boyfriend how much he loved him for not letting his gayness define him as a person. In short, he was really excited that my boyfriend was gay, but not "gay like that." So what do you think this means? Many readers of this site would say that it signifies being proud of your sexuality, but not giving up your individuality to fit into a larger gay community. Other would say that it means you don't lisp, or gesticulate too much when you talk. But how many straight people would appreciate this distinction?

While my hetero friends might be excited to talk with me about events and ideas that fall outside of immediate gay interest, they probably can't appreciate how hard it is for a gay man to walk into Cobalt and feel no commonality with any of its other patrons. So I believe that a straight guy saying that one isn't "gay like that" means he isn't some flaming queen, not that he's retained his own personality in the face of a pervasive homosexual mainstream.

I think that straight people tend to see us gays in two distinct camps. There are the homos they are friends with: smart, articulate people with varied interests and willingness to do things outside of a gay ghetto. Then, in their opinion, there are those other fags: Fey, lisping fellows who have never held football. Stereotypes and caricatures they would want nothing to do with.

But most gay men are nothing like their stereotypes. In fact, I don't know if a cohesive gay stereotype even exists these days. Are we hypermasculine muscle queens with beards and flannels? Frail party twinks who OD in between Donna Summer remixes? Shaggy American Apparel models in matching pastel jeans? To think that there is someone out there letting their gayness define them is just as laughable as the assertion that someone else is defined by their straightness. Would anyone accuse a guy of being "too hetero" for spending all his time watching sports and going out on M Street?

There is still this opinion that gay isn't what we are, it's what we do. The assertion that my boyfriend isn't defined by being gay implies that, for most of the day, he is straight. Except on Saturday night, he puts on a special gay shirt for a couple hours to go to Nellie's. Or he's straight when he's brushing his teeth and when he's sleeping, but opens a special bottle of gay lube when have sex.

Here's the real question: If my boyfriend were some flaming queen who liked sports and indie rock, would his friend still have the same opinion of him? If he were the exact same person, but happened to have a taste for lycra and Cher, would his straight admirer still be so quick to sing his praises? All the friends I've had who think I'm not "gay like that" are very quick to pick up on my supposed "gay traits." We could spend a whole day together just being people, but the second I give them fashion advice or admit to a childhood fondness for Ramona Quimby books I can see a little lightbulb go off above their heads. One that says "aha, gay people actually are different than me."

I think that straight people should have gay friends, take it or leave it. While I spend a lot of time here critiquing gay culture, I am doing it from an insiders perspective. That is different than reducing an entire sexuality and culture into two easy poles.

Do any of you feel that your straight friends have you compartmentalized into a gay identity that you disagree with? Do you feel any pressure to act "less gay" around your straight friends?