8 Days of Queer Judaism, Day 7: The Mysteries of the Jewish Penis

TNG is taking a much needed break from Dec 19-Jan 4. TNG will return with new content on Jan 5. Until then, please enjoy this post from the past year. Original publish date: 12/10/2008.

(Its the penultimate day of Chanukah and it's looking unlikely that anyone will be contributing to my queer Judaism series. But if there's even one gay Jew out there reading and enjoying these, please let me know. I would hate to think they've been posted for naught.)

Have you ever had your dick stereotyped? Its no secret that some races and ethnicities are purported to have bigger or smaller hoo-hahs than other ones. Though these stereotypes are usually bullshit, at least they're constant. If you belong to a certain group that's supposed to have a big one, you can use that to your advantage whether or not its true for you. If your heritage is known in the eyes of the world to be less than palatial, than its easy to pleasantly surprise people.

But what if no one can agree how big your dick is supposed to be? What if some people automatically assumed your were teeny and others would accept nothing other than a full 12 inches? Do you think it would be confusing?

You'd be right.

If my dick changed size based on the expectations of others, it would have motion sickness. I won't say what I'm packing, because its not germane, but I know that everyone I've talked to has a radically different idea of what the Jewish penis is. Some people assume its big, "like your nose!" Some people think I'm small "because a rabbi cut it all off when you were born." How did this happen? How could such radically different generalizations materialize about one little piece of kosher sausage?

Personally, the biggest and smallest penises I have ever seen belonged to Jewish guys. All the other ones I've encountered fall somewhere in the middle. Just like every other dick in the world. How could multiple penis stereotypes be constructed for the same race of people? Did God command us to be fruitful and multiply...and then have really inconsistent genitals? Have all these people only slept with one Jewish guy in their lives and decided to make him represent everyone?

What have you all heard? Maybe this could be a reader poll. You leave a comment telling me what preconceived notions you have heard about a Jewish guy's dick. At the end we can tally them up and declare a winner.

While we're at it, why don't you tell me about some of the craziest sexual stereotypes you have heard about your racial/ethnic group. Like if someone assumed you're loud in bed because you're Macedonian, this could be the place to vent about it. I just to know where the hell this stuff comes from.