What Would Summer Do -- Handling the 90/10 friend

"What Would Summer Do?" is the new TNG advice column. Contact Summer Camp with your questions at wwsd@thenewgay.net.


Summer,

I’m a woman with a male friend who is trying very valiantly to hook up with/date me. He's a great guy and I'd definitely date him, but from day one I've thought he was gay because of his mannerisms. Plus he’s even said that he's 10-percent gay—but only 10 percent. I've never heard a solidly straight guy say that.

So my question is, how do I find out if he's gay or straight without going down the courting road and potentially being the girl he has the “oh shit, I'm actually gay” moment with?

Thanks!
Mollie S.


Dear Mollie S.,

That’s a doozie of a question that deserves a thoughtful answer. Let me put on my thinking cap (and wig). There. Now, I’m better prepared to answer your plea for Summer’s advice.

Let’s take your question bit by bit:

You write that your friend is trying very valiantly to hook up with/date you. I didn’t know what “valiantly” meant, so I looked it up. I thought it had something to do with slipping you some Valium in order to make the courting process a little easier. That’s how most of my dates begin. But, I learned that it means “boldly” or “fearlessly.” That’s a good sign. It means that he’s really interested in you. In fact, if you want to know What Summer Would Do, I’d go for it. Enjoy the hot sex with the 9:1 bisexual hottie, and put a notch in your belt if it doesn’t work out.

But it sounds like you’re not looking for an easy roll in the hay or an STD, so let’s delve a little deeper.

You think he’s gay based on mannerisms and his own declaration about his gay/straight composition. I’d discourage you from basing your Nancy Drew detective work solely on mannerisms—though they sometimes reveal the truth, we need real proof. His admission regarding his gay-straight ratio is probably a little more reliable. Maybe you should just date him. Would it be that bad if, once every ten days, he went out and sucked a little dick? You could arrange your own little spicy dalliance on the side or get a pedicure or read to the blind on the days when he’s “pre-cock-upied.”

But it sounds like you’re not looking for a guy who’s gonna order a side order of Vienna sausage now and then. You need to know if this guy is gay or not.

I just did a search for online gay tests, and found one that was developed by some really smart people who must be professional researchers because they have their own Web site. I hear that Web sites are expensive these days, so it’s got to be legitimate, right? The next time you plan on meeting up, suggest that he come to your place. Leave your Interwebs browser open to the Gay-Test and when he notices it; encourage him to take the test—as a joke, of course. The results are super-scientific, and you’ll have your answer.

But if you feel like the test results aren’t conclusive enough, we’ll need something more definitive.

Try posting a fake M4M ad on Craigslist and spy on him. I’ve trapped many of my cheating mens this way. I cannot divulge my personal technique as it is a trade secret, but if your loverboy is in the closet, there is no doubt that he’s trolling around on CL looking for some easy hookups. Just post a fake ad with a really hot body pic and stats. Get one of your gay guy friends to coach you on the kind of verbiage that lures the curious boys—it usually includes phrases like, “chill,” “kick back with some brews,” “my girlfriend is out of town,” and “watch some straight porn.” If he’s gay, sooner or later, his face pic will end up in your inbox.

But you sound like a very nice person with a real problem … Let me see if I can be sincere. How about this…

Tell him that you like him. Ask him to be honest with both you and himself about his feelings. Tell him that you’ll accept him either way, but that you deserve an honest answer about what he’s looking for in life. And, if you feel that you’re not getting a sincere response, I’d suggest you move on and put your own ad on Craigslist.

XOXO,
Summer Camp