What Would Summer Do -- Financial Advice

"What Would Summer Do?" is the new TNG advice column. Contact Summer Camp with your questions at wwsd@thenewgay.net.

Dear Summer,

I am very concerned about my portfolio. The Dow seems to be on a roller-coaster ride these days? Would it be wise to pull out of the market altogether? Or should I weather the storm? What would you do?

Sincerely,
A.G.


Dear A.G.

To be honest, when you say, “Portfolio,” the first thing that pops into my beautiful mind is Grace Jones’ delicious debut album. The one that includes her amazing version of Edith Piaf's “La Vie en Rose.” But something tells me that the Dow doesn't give a rat’s ass about Ms. Jones discography, and that you’re probably referring to your collection of investments and things and stuff.

Well, I checked with my financial team, and you’re right to be concerned. On Monday, we heard the lament of Fannie and Freddie. And yesterday, Lehman was pissing all over the stock market. The Dow is on a roller-coaster, and not the fun kind that makes you throw up all over yourself because you guzzled a 40-ouncer just before you rode it.

So you’d like to know what Summer would do. Pull out or weather the storm. Let's examine each option.

The Pull-Out Strategy is comprised of four parts:

1. Stick something valuable into a safe and receptive place that is highly attractive.
2. Relish the sensation of having your precious belongings deposited into a secure and air-tight holding.
3. Consider taking some out, putting some back in, taking some more out, putting some more back in—teasing and playing with your assets.
4. Then, when you get nervous that leaving it all inside may lead to dangerous repercussions, you pull the whole thing out in one big motion.

This sounds like a good approach. But I can tell you from personal experience that you don’t always know if the Pull-Out Strategy has been successful. When I was growing up, I remember that my dad had a lot of problems with this strategy. Sometimes you have to wait a few weeks or months to know if you have thwarted danger. But typically, even if you do get yourself into to danger, you can do something about it. R U following me?

Your other option is the Weather-the-Storm Strategy. There are many types of storms: fire, ice, wind, hail, tropical, thunder, snow, perfect…the list goes on and on. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never met a storm that gave a shit about anyone. Katrina was a nasty bitch. Gustav shit all over Cuba. And Ike is ripping the Gulf Coast a new asshole.

So unless you’re a sadist, I’d leave the storm-weathering to delusional religious fanatics like Noah and Sarah Palin. But, if you’re the kind of person who gets off on a little pain, then weather away! Just be sure you have a safe word for those really degrading stock market moments.

XOXO
Summer Camp

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