TNG Advice Columnist: Summer Camp

"What Would Summer Do?" is the TNG advice column. Contact Summer Camp with your questions at wwsd@thenewgay.net.

Hello readers and welcome to a new TNG feature, “What Would Summer Do?,” an advice column for desperados like you. Before we get started, I feel that I should disclose a few things:

1. I’m not a licensed therapist
2. I’m not a journalist of any sort
3. I’m an overly-judgmental Pisces

But, gentle reader; don’t let these trivial details discourage you from seeking my opalescent pearls of wisdom. Even though we’ll never meet (because I’m a superstar celebrity and you’re not), I care deeply about you and your woes. Plus, I’m dying to tell you what I would do in your desperate situation.

Okay kids, here we go.

[I must admit that the following is not from an *actual* email sent to TNG; rather the youngster in question approached me while I was buying beef jerky at a service station in the mid-west.]

Summer,

I'm a 15 year-old guy who came out at the end of my sophomore year in high school. I live in a small town in Nebraska, so it’s been a little hard. Some of the other boys teased me, and I’m nervous about starting my junior year next month. I’d like my classmates to respect me. What should I do?

Teased in Republican City, NE

Dear Teased,

First of all, super sorry about the name of your city. As far as gaining your classmates’ respect, here are three possible things that Summer would do.

Do #1. Just like Suede on Project Runway Season 5, Summer sometimes refers to herself in the third person. Summer has noticed that this increases the level of respect from peers and non-peers alike. The mere utterance of my name in the third person makes me seem relevant and famous. Try the following scenario on your first day of school. Remember to substitute your own name for mine, duh!

“Hi, y’all, Summer is super happy to be back in school.”
“Hey, Summer thinks you’re sitting in her seat.”
“No, Summer doesn’t want to sit on your face, why would you say that?”
“Yes, Summer did go back-to-school shopping, thanks for asking.”
“Umm, no, Summer didn’t buy this outfit at the Dollar Store.”
“How did you like the feeling of Summer’s fist in your face, dickwad?”

Do #2. Start wearing high heels to school. I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out. The next time some hic douchebag harasses you, step on his foot, donkey-kick him in the groin, or pull a “Single White Female,” and drive the heel into his eyeball. Promise he won’t do it again.

Plus heels make you taller. Often people respect taller people. When I’m not wearing heels, I’m only 5’2”. When I wear heels, people turn their heads, which I always assume is out of respect.

Do #3. Start a business. People respect businesspeople, especially gay businesspeople. David Geffen, Ellen Degeneres, Donald Trump, Tom Cruise, Tom Ford, Cindy McCain—all well-respected gay businesspeople. If you’re enrolled in an occupational studies class, even better—you can get respect and a good grade.

Selecting the type of business is trickly pickly, though. Do something you’re good at. I’m really good at giving head, so I run a 25-cent blowjob stand on the weekends. I usually make enough to satisfy my craving for Snack Pack pudding. Make a list of your skills and then find a way to market them to your classmates.

That’s what Summer would do. Try one. I promise that your classmates will shower you with well-deserved respect. They will listen to you and sincerely care about what you're saying. Have fun being class president, I'm sure you're going to be a W-I-N-N-E-R!

Summer wishes you all the best!

Summer Camp