Confessions of a Property Manager

A weekly series of my experiences as manager of an apartment building in Logan Circle. Last week I wrote about Denise, who had difficulty navigating the indoor parking lot.

As a property manager, tenants asked me such obvious questions it became increasingly difficult for me to find words in the English language that could quell my tenants' woes, without sounding incredibly condescending.

One morning, after checking my e-mail for the 90th time, the phone rang. It was Beth from apartment 713:

“Logan Circle Apartments - This is Allison - How can I help you?

“Hey Allison, it's Beth from apartment 713. Ever since I moved into my apartment about a month ago, the carpet has had a potent carpet smell. Is there any way you could install new carpet without the carpet smell? Or could you wash the carpet so it smells less like....carpet?"

"How should I begin to answer this question?" I thought. Should we elaborate on other smells it could possibly be? Should I tell her that carpet usually smells like…carpet? Should I make a vagina joke, “Honey, sounds like what your smelling is the carpet south of your border,” and then pull the fire alarm?

After five seconds of silence I replied, “Ok, Beth. I will be sure to check out your carpet today with our maintenance staff.” This turned out to be an even better vagina joke.

I called Amadeo, our maintenance man, to the office. “Amadeo,
tenemos que hacer la alfombra olor menos como alfombra,” which means “we must make the carpet smell less like carpet.” Amadeo replied, “Eso es estúpido” which means “That’s stupid.”

We went upstairs to Beth’s apartment. Nothing smelled out of the ordinary. We checked everywhere to see what could be causing the "carpet aroma" Beth complained about. Puzzled, I bent down on my knees to smell the carpet. I began crawling around with my nose to the floor trying to trace some sort of funky stench, simultaneously saying “adios” to my dignity.

When I looked up, I saw Amadeo in Beth’s walk-in closet, smelling various pairs of shoes scattered messily on her floor. “Los pies. Vayamos” said Amadeo: “It’s her feet. Let’s go.”

We went back downstairs. I wrote Beth a note:

"Hello Beth. Unfortunately, we do not have any carpet that does not have a carpet smell. It is difficult to find carpet that does not smell like carpet. I have sent our maintenance staff to spray your room to muffle the smell until the carpet is worn in.

I apologize for the inconvenience this smell has caused."