Butt Sex: The Real Scourge of Straight America

A couple years ago, I was doing laundry and found something baffling. I picked up a pile of wet clothes to be transferred to the drier when a small brown sphere fell out from a pair of my underwear. It was was about the size of an acorn and completely smooth. I examined it from all angles, racking my brain for what it could be. Did I wash a Hershey's kiss? Did a junebug just meet its end in my delicates? The mysterious object finally revealed itself when I held it up to my nose, and threw it in the sink with a horrified "Ewwww!

It was poop.

It seemed that the chunk of post-digest had fallen out of some lucky gentleman during a spirited round of coitus. I had tried to save him from embarrassment by wrapping it in my briefs before he could see it, which I maintain was an honorable gesture.

Why am I telling you this? Because I have also been thinking about gay marriage and why that particular right has been so elusive. And wading through all our roadblocks —religion, ignorance, homophobia— I've concluded that they can be traced back to one simple act: Butt sex.

Besides the ol' dick-in-ass, I believe that every form of gay sex is the real basis of the fear and hatred we experience every day. Just look at the epithets so regularly used against us: Muff diver. Pillow biter. No one has ever screamed "you seek romantic love from fellow men" out of a car window, but boy will they crack jokes if you bend over to tie your shoe. Just the other day, I saw a woman on the street call some guy a cocksucker for stepping on her foot. The pretty, mid-30s, seemingly unmarried woman had surely forgotten more about sucking cock than most men ever knew. But she's still the one who gets to use it as an insult because the way she sucks cock is normal.

Most Americans will not readily admit that being gay is wrong or that the sons and daughters of Sodom deserve subpar treatment. They will usually spout separate-but-equal nonsense or "hate the sin, love the sinner" rhetoric. But these same men and woman will have no problems spouting off on the many things wrong with gay sex. They'll say its filthy and unnatural. Dicks in asses and she-tongues in pussies would be a great challenge on the next season of Fear Factor, because so many people act like gay sex is grosser than eating worms or looking at Joe Rogan.

And invariably, someone will invoke the innocence of youth. "Gays getting married? What example will that set... FOR THE CHILDREN?" Another funny thing is that the public has a really hard time separating gay people from gay sex. So they think we're on some never ending quest to sexualize toddlers by being visibly affectionate. As if some four year old boy will see two men holding hands and say "Mommy, which one of them is the bottom? Do you think they use poppers?"

But that leads to the trickiest question of all: can one be gay without having gay sex? I could spend ten more paragraphs debating if "gay" is an identity or a set of actions, but don't want to. I'll let you all duke that one out in the comments.

But I will admit this: It took me a long time to stop seeing butt sex as a truly bizarre act. Ten years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me that I would spend my entire waking life — the way I dress, the company I keep— trying to get the part of me that pees into the part of you that poops. As recently as one year ago, I would scoff at the notion that I would ever want to have the same thing done to me. But guess what: I do.

What changed my mind was taking a step back and realizing that, from an objective perspective, the nuts and bolts of every sexual act is disgusting. Mood lighting and soft music can only go so far in separating us from one dog straddling another with its little red thing poking out. Sex is really just a biological imperative.

And thats why I don't look at sex objectively. Every kind of fucking is beautiful in its own way if you're enjoying it. So statistically, there might be more hetero couples in the world having sex than homo ones. But that doesn't mean our sex is any less right than theirs.