Shark Week Calls for Extended Pun

Welcome to Shark Week, the Discovery Channel’s annual week-long celebration of people horny for girls on the rag! Sharks, while you’re literally soaking in the benefits of all that extra dietary iron, your “chum” will be enjoying muscle relaxation that’s completely naproxen sodium-free. Jabberjaws (pictured), international spokesshark and no stranger to a clam jam, concurs--"Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me."

And hey, nobody likes a dinner guest that doesn’t help with the dishes—so help make Shark Week clean-up a cinch by wearing one of those haircutting gowns around your neck, and protect your bedding by investing in a healthy supply of Oxiclean. You know that infomercial guy’s beard has swabbed some decks in his day. His pristine grill tells you, gorge without fear, carnivorous Cassanovas!

Maybe you’re a nurse shark with a kink for medical play, a bull shark that just likes to dip her fin in murky waters, a hammerhead that goes fist-deep, or an old-fashioned carpet shark; this week, it’s not only safe to go in the water, your lady friend will thank you.