Cheap Beer (and Relatives)

Some people are food snobs. Some people are wine snobs. Others are music snobs. And some people are just big ol' f***ing lifetime snobs. After giving it some thought a while ago, I found that I'm not much of a snob about anything. Food? I can hardly elaborate on it anymore, but the fact that I had no trouble dousing my hot dog buns in a cup of water and then drinking the mush straight out the cup speaks wonders to my (lack of) food snobbery. Wine? Each trip I take to the wine aisle is little more than a sophisticated game of eeny-meenie-miny-moe. Music? Although I can dance a good little dance and almost always recognize an infectious beat when I hear one, I still largely depend on music blogs and music old-timers to give me heads up about old and new music I should be listening to (I'm also secretly pleased when that "Meet Virginia" song comes on the radio).

Alas, the other week I realized that I am, in fact, a bit of a snob about one thing: cheap beer. I realized this when one of my sister's friends was flabbergasted by the fact that my friend and I had willingly purchased Bud Lights in a bar. How could we, she wondered; so many options, so much liquor and so many other beers to pick from and we had chosen to build up our tab with over-priced cheap beers. However, after going to college for four years in the middle of rural Ohio, all the while playing rugby and working at a job that never paid me more than $5.40/hr, I suppose cheap beer has found a special place in my heart and on my palate. So, with another ladies happy hour on the horizon, below the fold, I have done the Internet, cheap lesbots, and unemployed socialites all over a grand favor and put together a review of some of the most celebrated penny-pinching brews and their cheap relatives.


The Real Watery Deals:
Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR): I can just barely drink PBR; I say just barely because like most cheap beers, once you're at the point of drinking it, you can "just barely" do anything you set your mind to - dancing, sprinting, or flaunting your birthday suit for a party full of people. PBR, however, used to sponsor my team's friendly rugby rival - Oberlin - so, for that reason, I won't hate on it too much. But it is pretty effing gross.

Keystone: This "Always Smooth" beer is my cheapest beer fave. Keystone sold for about $0.0099 a can in my college town and flowed through students in greater abundance than water. Luckily, for the hydration of all, it is mostly water.

Genesee: For me, drinking a can of Genesee is similar to drinking a bottled Coke - I feel like I should be on Antique Road Show and can't help but judge the book by its antiquated cover. Luckily for Genesee, I think it's old-fashioned look gives it bonus points, in the same way that Brooklyn usually gets bonus points just for being Brooklyn.

Miller High Life: Ah, to be nicknamed the champagne of anything - what a compliment. Drink this one when you want to look ironically classy (and, of course, cheap).

Miller Lite: Miller Lite is a cheap beer that you can order at the bar without people thinking you're disgusting or that you're trying to put up an indie-front. Sure, people will still think you're cheap, but if you're ordering it, well, you are.

Bud Light: If you're in a bar and not sure that people are clued into the fact that you're a lezzie, set aside your usual preference for vodka tonics and just throw back a couple Buds. Also, hold the bottle by the neck - it gives you that much more machisimo.

Yuengling: This one borders on non-cheap beer; however, the Law of Supply and Demand has unequivocally landed it in my cheap beer review. It's tasty, less watery than the other cheap beers, and a lot of bars have it on tap, meaning that when you're out mingling with your high-roller friends you can sneak to the bar and order this and hardly anyone will notice that you're a cheap-ass.

Malts (a.k.a. 40s):
Olde English: One day I came home to find a 40oz bottle of this non-delicacy in my parents' refrigerator; I laughed out loud and called to my father to see whether we were planning on having the man napping on the corner over for dinner. Nope, my father was simply intrigued. Now, my father is no hobo; he is an English lad thru-and-thru and often drinks lagers chosen and brewed by himself. I never asked him how he liked his low-class brew, but I'm sure it was disgusting, as Olde English typically is.

King Cobra: My personal fave. Perhaps this one just reminds me of the glory days of my rugby years (we used these as MVP awards), but I think King Cobra is everything 40oz of anything should be: drinkable, a little nauseating, and, well, that's it.

Magnum: For me, watching people drink Magnum is like watching a sword swallower - all I can think is, "How the hell are they putting that shit down their throat? Unless this is an optical illusion, they are surely doing great damage to their insides." Gross.

Country Club - This one I first bought as a joke when I had the TNG staff over my house for Pride. Alas, it has become a crowd pleaser and I suggest stocking your fridge with cans of Country Club if you like being able to offer your guests water, soda, orange juice or malt liquor; they will not be disappointed if they choose malt liquor.

NRG Combos:
JOOSE: JOOSE is the JOLT of malt liquor/energy combos - the can is dubiously large and if it was a kid in gym class, it'd get picked last because you can just tell that it's a bit of a loser. By the time you're at the point of drinking JOOSE, it tastes like whatever you want it to taste like, but I always like to think that it has a bit of an apple cider taste. Or maybe that's a hint of piss. Whichever.

Tilt: Like grossly named Clamato, I don't get why stores carry this. Tilt is basically Sparks without the prestige.

Sparks: If the orange lips, teeth, and tongue of a person don't key you in to the fact that he's been drinking Sparks, just look into his eyes. Do they scream, "I'm wide awake, ready to party, and about to go shit-wild on this town?" If, yes, the person has probably been drinking Sparks. People often debate the safety of drinking this upper/downer mixture, but whenever I drink it, heart attacks usually end up being the least of my concerns. BEWARE.

Breezers:
These are not beer, but they need to be commented on. Bascially, never buy breezers; don't even barter your cheapest possessions for a breezer. Non-scientific studies have proven that drinking a breezer a day for one year takes ten years of dignity off of your life.

Okay, you might have noticed that I didn't really talk much about what the beers&friends taste like in my reviews, but that's because it doesn't really matter. If you go into the store for some Bud Light and they only have Miller Lite, you'd be a fool to walk all the way to another grocery store; in fact, even if the store is all out of cheap beers, you'd be a fool to walk to another grocery store instead of just buying a pack of yeast and a bottle of Dasani and just shaking up your own cheap beer. Cheap beer may not be classy, but for most people it has played a vital role in their coming-of-age years, and, for that, it deserves a small amount of miserly respect.

I look forward to further discussing the subtleties of cheap beer beverages with other such connoisseurs at the TNG events we have scheduled for August and September.