A Black Snowflake

Alfonso Ribeiro as Carlton Banks, the preppy "snowflake" featured on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

This post was submitted by Tyrone Hanley.The other day a white friend called me a "snowflake." It was not the first time someone accused me of "acting white."

Once I called my grandparents, and my grandfather, whom I had not spoken to in a long time, was shocked to hear that the voice on the other end was his grandson. He said I sounded like a white boy. Sometimes when I tell people that I have a boyfriend, they ask me if he is white. I usually ask them why they ask, and the response has always been that I seem like I would date white guys. My boyfriend is actually white and so was my last and only other boyfriend. A part of me feels shame, because I have met their assumption of me, and I know that I have and continue to battle with internalized racism.

Another part of me is infuriated. I wonder what they think I am supposed to act like as a black person. Do they feel that aspects of me are artificial? How does one "act white?" How does one "act black?" My only answer is stereotypes. I do not know of a measuring device that determines the authenticity of one's blackness or whiteness. I am very well aware that race is a construct that was created by society through law, policies, and culture throughout history. Race is not a biological reality.

Nevertheless, I understand that we give race so much meaning that it impacts all of us on a very deep level. For me, I have struggled all of my life with this reality. As a boy, I wanted to be a white, blue-eyed girl. I knew that white was better than black and my interests and behaviors were only okay for girls in society's eyes. I felt the pressure of being the only black kid in my honor's English class. If I said the wrong thing, my entire race would be put down. My interactions with the gay black scene in DC and elsewhere in the country have left me with the feeling that I am viewed as a "white gay." In the midst of all of this, where am I to stand? I have decided to stand with diversity.

I feel most at home in diverse settings. In these spaces, I find less of a need to confirm to any one particular standard. This is why I am in love with big cosmopolitan cities, and I seek out bars and clubs with all sorts of people. My friends are Black, White, Latino, Asian, college graduates, non-college graduates, older, younger, etc. When you see me with my friends, we look like we were ripped out of a United Colors of Benetton ad. This is the world I try to surround myself in for the survival of the real me. Otherwise, I may just be swallowed up by others' expectations of me.

Our social identities can be a source of empowerment in relating to others like ourselves. However, they can also constrict us to limited versions of ourselves. I believe that the civil and human rights struggles are about just laws and an equal society and the freedom to define who we are for ourselves -- to actualize our full humanity.

My road to self-acceptance is a part of this continuing fight.If being who I want to be means that some may think I am being fake, then let it be. I know that this is no act. This is me.