Swimsuit Shopping

I need a new swimsuit. Or should I say, “I need swimwear.” After a visit to Universal Gear last week, I’m not sure the word “suit” should be associated with such little fabric.

Growing up in the south, a pair of cut-off blue jeans or whatever I could pull off the rack at a thrift store suited me fine, but after a few summer visits to Rehoboth’s poodle beach, I noticed that swimwear options for the modern gay man are myriad, which increases the fun for the wearer and the watcher.

Three years ago I searched for a suit both modern and keeping within the tradition of the masculine ideal. From my perspective, the first thing that came to mind was Sean Connery emerging from the ocean in “Dr. No.” After realizing that no one sells Sean Connery swimwear anymore, and keeping with the James Bond standard of masculine swimwear, I opted for a Daniel Craig style suit from “Casino Royale.” However, truth be told, I bought the suit before seeing the film, but didn’t wear it in public until after Bond made me feel good about it.

Three seasons later, my swimsuit has lost its drawstring and using it again will likely require me losing it at an inopportune time. It’s also come to my attention that purchasing a new swimsuit every year, if not several a year, is common within the gay community. While too pragmatic for such excess, my bf recently returned from Asia with a European style swim…um...suit that incorporates such unprecedented space age technology in such little fabric that, considering it will be launched from Rehoboth on his flawless ass, compels me to upgrade as well due to the inevitable attention created by his orbit.

I don’t keep up with swimwear trends, but I’m under the impression that one particular style is pushed on the general public per season. Every Universal Gear advertisement I’ve seen thus far is promoting speedos so small that they display crotch hair and bundle your junk in a choke hold. I’m pro-speedo for those people who can truly pull it off to the benefit of themselves and the wider public (TNG Zack passed the test last year), but at what point do we call bullshit? Some of these tiny speedos look ridiculous even on the hottest bodies. On some guys, less is more. On most guys, a little more is more. On all guys, a lot less is way too little. Better we accept this tipping point and open a nude beach than look like x-rated extras from 60s era sci-fi programs. However, that's just my opinion.

Considering the ubiquity of tiny speedo marketing, I'm surprised to see the show windows at Universal Gear filled with board shorts. Are other similarly confused by this? Considering the sexual insecurity of the average American male and the uncomfortable relationship he has with his own body (and our annoyance that he doesn't show more of it), didn’t we decide as a (gay) people to redirect the world away from this trend? I thought we already pushed through a UN resolution on this matter. We don’t have much of a lobby on social issues, particularly with HRC leading the way, but isn’t fashion a given based solely on our will to act? I was finally becoming comfortable with the possibility of buying a speedo (I’m about a year and 300,000 squats away from considering this), and we’re going back to board shorts? At this rate, the next time I see Kobe Bryant dribble a basketball he’ll be wearing a burka. Two sashays forward, one sheepish shuffle back, I suppose.

As of yet, I haven’t found a suit, even though I’m heading to Assateague next weekend for a little nature camping on the beach. While shopping online (and laughing a lot) for swimsuits is a risky proposition considering the product, I wasn’t successful at Universal Gear (I refuse to pay $40-60 for a swimsuit), Target (uninspiring), or the thrift store (skinny people don’t exist anymore apparently….thanks, high fructose corn syrup).

At this point I’m not sure what I’m going to wear, but I’m eyeing a couple pairs of old blue jeans. Hmmmnnn.